28 years old, I’m in a dilemma BizPortal

My manager suggested that I come in as a partner in the next restaurant he opens. He knew it was a crossroads. He told me that there is no one who, when he was asked when he was little what he wanted to do when he grew up, said a restaurateur, and everyone has dreams in a drawer, but this is an opportunity, and a big opportunity. And I have it. And that it is a bacteria, a bacteria that unfortunately or fortunately I got infected with.

I have been in the restaurant and nightlife world for years. I have already tasted every dish in this world, I have drunk the most expensive wines in the world, I went to the Champagne region in France to learn about champagnes, I went to Milan to understand more about dough and to Tokyo to get to know the world of beautiful fish and in addition to all this, I made more money than my friends in high-tech. I didn’t think for six years. For six years I just flowed. Then he came to me with this offer.

Basically I should have told him it was clear and jumped on him, Still, it’s not every day you get an offer To manage a place of one of the best chefs in Israel, but something was bothering me. Something itched me. Something called a dream. I want to say that since I was a child I know what I want to do when I grow up, but that’s not true. My dreams kept changing. Once I wanted to be a rock star, another time a footballer, after that I wanted to be the Wolf of Rothschild Street, then a teacher of secular Jewish philosophy in some school in the north and then somewhere around the age of twenty I got hooked on cinema, and I haven’t let go since.

Until I was about twenty, I thought that cinema was something you went to, not something you did. But little by little this perception began to crumble for me. I started writing. I took courses. I started learning it. analyze it. to understand this. And since then, in my imagination, I’ve been writing a script that takes me all the way to the “Universal” studios. And it’s not that I’m naive, I write all the time, because as Picasso said: “Inspiration exists, but it must find you working.” so i work Sits every day two hours before the shift and writes. And during the shift I think about it. And at the end of the shift I return to it. But how can I write if I have my own place? A place I need to be available to and where it’s twenty four seven? I won’t have the peace of mind to think about my script at all.

When I think about it, I’m dying to quit my job tomorrow, dying. But I’m afraid. Like, I’m afraid on an economic level, on a daily level. Not in fear of what I will do. Maybe yes, maybe what will I do after I finish writing the script and no one will read it. Maybe because I won’t write at all like I think I will. Like, it’s one of the most tedious things about writing – there’s no one on the other end waiting for you. No one is pushing you. There is no manager who offers you to come and write Israel’s next TV series. It’s just you against yourself. only you.

If you want to specialize in the capital market and have a big head and motivation, you can be a good fit for us.

The job can be part-time; flexibility in working hours; Work from home too.

Preference (not mandatory) for writing experience and basic familiarity with the capital market.

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I think I’m just afraid of living in fear, living in regret. I’m just afraid to regret it. I’m afraid of being drawn into a life I don’t like. I’m afraid to get to the point where I look back and tell myself I was a sucker. I’m afraid it will be too late. I’m afraid to be like my father, who taught himself to love the life he was born into. I’m afraid to live a life that is governed by the need to pay rent before the need to fulfill yourself. I’m afraid not to be proud of myself. It’s probably this age that we’ve reached which is as if in between, no longer children but not quite grown up yet, and around that it seems that those who are closed to themselves are even more closed and those who are lost are even more lost, and those who are now in a relationship then this will already be their wife and those who have now settled down at work then that’s it , that’s his profession.

And I’m starting to feel like I’m big. In terms of age that is. Like, there is the puberty of youth, in which the body matures, in which your social personality develops, and there is this puberty. the true. When you’re after all the bullshit, when you’re your own master. When you have to make decisions and not just dream dreams, but make them come true. And if you don’t fulfill them, that’s who you are.

But who am I? Am I a “restaurateur” or am I a “filmmaker”? Always when I come to such junctions, when I have no idea what to do, the first thing I do is agonize. After all, it’s clear that there is no such thing as a right decision, there is a right decision for me, and I’m just not connected enough to myself right now to see it! What, I don’t know myself? I don’t know what will do me good? How I used to be so clear and calm, that I thought to myself that there is no such thing as ‘freedom of choice’, because as soon as you are obliged to choose, you are not free! You are committed! Where are the days when we’d finish an early morning shift at a bar and fly to the beach, bask in the sun for a few hours while we throw and chase flying saucers, then sweaty and burnt we’d take a little dip in the cold water and go to Thai by the beach, and my only dilemma in life was whether I wanted a double espresso or an upside down with oatmeal at the end of the meal.

But the time has come, I have to choose. And I look at all the friends who are self-absorbed, know what coffee they want, and I’m stolen. where did they get them from? When did they make this decision? When did they form an identity? I felt that it was not a junction like all the junctions I had come to. This is something new.

I tried to leave aside the identity issue and think about the whole story from the outside. The restaurant will give me stability in life and a lot of money, although it will also demand a lot from me, but I’m already used to that, and art will give me self-fulfillment and a sense of being alive. In the end of the world, the age of twenty-eight is the real age of puberty! And here, suddenly it scares me to death. Suddenly I feel really bad. Really really cool. And I don’t mean to feel that way. I don’t intend to get up in the morning to messages from a waitress who can’t make it to her shift, or a message from the bookkeeper with a receipt of goods without a signature. I don’t want to interview twenty-two-year-old girls and tell them how much they make per hour, and I don’t feel like it anymore. enough. I want to write, I want to be happy, I want to create, I want to love, I want to succeed!

Bob Dylan says that a man is a success story if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do. So this is the life I want for the next twenty, thirty years or not? If not, then what should I do?

When I talked about it with my partner she said that her whole life she dreamed of being a fashion designer, but her parents pushed her to go study accounting. She told me that these were the most confused days of her life. She really didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, the financial security, the peace from the parents, the safe future, and on the other hand – her dream. But this dream was not backed by anything except a few sales of second-hand clothes in the kibbutz pool and old jeans that she turned into jackets. So she went to study accounting.

When I asked why and if she wasn’t angry with her parents, she explained to me that at first very much, but then she realized that in order to fulfill her design dream, she had to be quiet. But not silence from the parents, but inner silence, hers. That this degree in accounting will give her the back to go out and fulfill her dream. She explained to me that in order to pursue your dream with all your might, you need an alternative, you need a safety net to protect you, because otherwise you will constantly have that voice in your head that will pester you and ask what will happen if you don’t succeed, and maybe you were wrong, and maybe your parents were right, and they really were right , because that’s the only way she allowed herself to truly dedicate herself to it, and succeed. Because only when you have nothing to lose, you allow yourself to truly fly.

At that moment I wanted to explode. How, how does it even compare? It’s not studies, which is like this on a small scale two or three times a week and while you’re free to advance in other areas, it’s a way of life. You can’t both run a restaurant and write properly. It does not work. I got mad at her for being so smart and so understanding, just not me. And above all, it’s insulting. I shared with her that I have a dream, and she tells me to wait with him. What, you don’t believe me? And leave me, do you want to live with someone who doesn’t fly for life? that does not fulfill itself? Do you want to live with a frustrated guy? And me? I want to live with someone who prefers to live with someone who is frustrated but stable? Can you spend your life with someone like that?

But I didn’t say anything. I nodded and agreed with her, And while I was nervous in the car, I calmed down and convinced myself that once she saw that I was serious, she would support me. And maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it can work together. Maybe the economic calm will give me peace of mind to write from it. Do not know. Do not know.

Money and I – monologues by Nimrod Sofrin, 28 years old, lives in Tel Aviv. author – To all the monologues

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