Lately so many babies are being born in my area that I thought: what are you telling those people? Do you give them tips or not? I find that difficult.
Because on the one hand you don’t want to frighten them with total ruptures, inflamed nipples and sleepless months, on the other hand you don’t want to send them into battle unprepared. And so I thought: I’ll ask on Twitter, and I found the hundreds of responses wonderfully recognizable to read.
What I wish I had known myself before I had a baby? That it only starts after giving birth, that a baby has to eat every two or three hours, even at night, that breastfeeding can be immensely difficult and that childbirth is ‘alienly’ painful, but that it usually goes well.
What I didn’t want to hear after my blazing baby was born? They thought (almost) exactly the same on Twitter as I did, so I just made an overview of that. Who knows, it could be of some use to an exploded maternity woman and desperate father somewhere. Will you pay attention, stall visitors?
1
Breastfeeding is the best, just keep going!
No. Breastfeeding is really hard. There are times when you spend an hour every hour, when you have nowhere to go, when you don’t even have time to shower, and then you’re already a total loss due to lack of sleep and hormones.
So rather tell mothers: yes, breastfeeding is best for your child, but it is not mandatory. Very good when it all works out, great when it works out! – but if you go under it, you can stop. Real.
2
Is she asleep yet?
NO!
3
Just let it cry.
Haha, stop. Also, don’t say “it’s the cramps”, “it’s the teeth”, “it’s the kale” when a baby cries incessantly: you know a lot. We’ll never know why babies cry. Walking around, walking, taking car rides – unfortunately, as parents, you have to figure out for yourself what works best.
4
I found the first four months a piece of cake!
Well how nice! That you thought so! But it’s not about you right now.
5
And also keep your horror stories to yourself.
NRCcolumnist Marijn de Vries called it that on Twitter the ‘wait but totters’ – people who constantly say ‘wait until they…’ when the maternity parents are simply happy. Wait till they get squirted shit, wait till they suddenly wake up every two hours again, wait till your breasts start leaking, fuck off. Just keep your mouth shut if everything goes well, and enjoy with the maternity parents!
6
I’ll take a look when I come by.
No, you don’t check if you’re coming by at all, you ask when you can come by. And you don’t come if you’re snotty, have a cold sore or a virus! And leave your own children at home, really, get out! You arrive at the agreed time, bring a casserole, wash your hands, and when you find a completely disrupted house, you do the dishes, vacuum and take the laundry out of the dryer. You’re scratched up again after 45 minutes anyway.
7
Don’t forget to enjoy!
Sure dude. I myself have the feeling that a bomb has exploded, a bus has run over me and black clouds are hanging everywhere, but you can tell me to enjoy myself. “Having to enjoy yourself,” wrote one reader, “while sometimes you just want to cry.”
Eighteen years ago, a colleague sent me a card saying ‘strength and good luck’ after the birth of my daughter. He was the only one to hint that a baby isn’t all magic and love. I immediately felt a lot better afterwards.
8
Long emails and apps with tips.
Don’t overload new parents with tips. About bedside lights, bath thermometers, nasal aspirators, which cream to put on the buttocks – that really means nothing to them. Dose your knowledge and only come with it when they ask for it.
9
How’s your bottom? Still torn?
Serious. Shall we inspect your underside?
10
Trust your maternal instincts.
Stop it. Because what maternal instinct? And what do you do if you don’t? Not everyone is automatically a mother after giving birth. “What I would really like to know myself,” wrote one Twitter user, “is that you don’t automatically love your child right away, that that is very normal and nothing to be ashamed of.” It would be nice if this became more widely known.
11
“Women are so strong” and “they naturally gravitate toward the mother.”
Bye, sometimes women aren’t strong at all and babies sometimes don’t pull towards the mother at all. And then it comes to the father. As a father, take unpaid leave for the first eighteen years after a birth, really. You can’t do it without fathers, and it’s also much nicer to bond with your child as a father and not let everything automatically fall on the mother.
12
But the worst clincher is of course: ‘you get so much in return’.
It’s absolutely true, ultimately, don’t worry, but the first four months after giving birth can sometimes be a bit hard to see. Rather say to desperate parents: It gets better, really. It gets easier. If you are lucky.
But happiness with a baby, that can also happen to you.
These were the Pearls last week on Twitter
Do you have an intimate moment with your child, your ex, or your terminally ill mother? Don’t forget to take a picture of it for later. Maybe you can still use it for your marketing on LinkedIn.
— Pieter van Breevoort (@pietur) January 20, 2023
there has to be a place where rubber bands, packs of toothpicks, dental floss boxes, and those really nice pens get together, sit around and smack each other on the back
— Nynke Sietsma (@NynkeSirene) January 20, 2023
Why does a car only have one horn? Now every press on that thing says “THING DOG!” GET OFF THE ROAD!”, while a “Hey honey, I understand life can be overwhelming sometimes, but it’s green so can you drive on love you” horn sometimes fits the situation better.
— Star Stylist (@momofsaul) January 19, 2023
???? NEW: Bringing cake into the office should be seen as being as socially unacceptable as inflicting passive smoking on your colleagues, Britain’s top food regulator has said https://t.co/R1jGuAmdM1
— The Times and The Sunday Times (@thetimes) January 17, 2023
How hard is it now? Ban phones for children at school and for police officers during working hours
— Jan (@j_postma) January 15, 2023
A version of this article also appeared in the January 24, 2023 newspaper