WWhen you come of age, a lot of things happen for the first time. Drive. Tattoo. Just in time for the 18th season, with which “Gemany’s Next Topmodel” more or less reaches sexual maturity, there is also a premiere at the Klum house. For the first time, the season doesn’t open with exuberant bulletins about how sensational the time at the catwalk boarding school will be. But with a kind of damage-limiting rehabilitation documentary. Not even the FDP throws itself in front of the combustion engine more passionately than Heidi Klum defends her casting life’s work. She dedicates a full eleven minutes to the accusations that are getting louder and louder.
Traditionally illuminated by a myriad of spotlights, Klum enlightens the nation with a serious look about the alleged misconduct of her family show for career-oriented influencer trainees, which has recently been hotly debated: “It is difficult for many girls to see themselves on television. That’s why many regret one or the other thing they said.” You can subtly hear quotes from Lijana Kaggwa in the background. The 2020 finalist claimed contestants were continually manipulated during filming. Investigative reporter Klum vehemently denies this – and even asserts: “We don’t saw shoes”. I can confirm that. At GNTM, only the egos of the participants are still sawn.
To underline how uncompromisingly Pro Sieben cares about the dignity of the GNTM applicants, the first sentence of a candidate this year is: “You can see the whole ass.” Long-term fans of the annual Klum Festival are shocked: Is Peyman Amin back in the jury? But all clear. The core jury consists of Heidi Klum, Heidi Klum and Heidi Klum again this year.
A first highlight in the first episode
Even before you find out the first names of the fellow students of the TV academy for catwalk novices, the GNTM god is already giving us the first highlight of the entire season: Heidi Klum is not singing the title song this year. After “Chai Tea With Heidi”, Klum’s foray into the hip-hop scene last year, many singing teachers had their scala vestibuli, scala tympani and ductus cochlearis removed to be on the safe side. These are not the planned names of the next Ochsenknecht children, but the three courses of the cochlea. This is responsible for hearing in the inner ear.
When it finally starts, candidate Cassy succeeds with a green catsuit on which she has had “HMD” printed. First of all, it remains unclear what “HMD” is supposed to mean. “Heidi makes stupid” maybe. Cassy describes herself as a quite panicky contemporary: “I’m afraid of flying, afraid of heights, claustrophobia and a spider phobia.” The Grand Slam for a place on the podium of the GNTM Howling Olympiad. And the perfect prerequisite for subsequent exploitation in the jungle camp.
On tour in LA: the contestants Somajia and Cassy
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Image: ProSieben/Richard Huebner
With 28 other candidates, the debut episode goes straight to the first challenge. A catwalk show for designer Peter Dundas. Dundas (as always a refreshing mix of Howard Carpendale, Kurt Krömer and Stefan Raab) doesn’t skimp on awkward instructions (“Can you walk faster for Papa”), but still wins the hearts of the girls. Katherine, for example, raves: “It’s great that he gives instructions. Now I know which way to go on the catwalk.” That’s important. Nobody hires models who suddenly turn right on the catwalk, stumble over the audience and then crash against the wall of the house. It’s easy to get lost on the catwalk. And navigation devices are rarely allowed.
Zoey brings with her almost existentialist talents: “I come into the room and then I’m there.” I hope she sticks around long enough to present us with other blockbuster skills: “I say something and then you hear it ” approximately. Other candidates, on the other hand, want to score points about their size. If I had had a schnapps every time Emilia was mentioned as being 1.94 meters tall, I would have ended up in the emergency room with cirrhosis of the liver before the first commercial break.
Ready to distribute photos: Heidi Klum
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Image: dpa
On the way to the final walk, alongside Heidi Klum’s classic convertible from the 1960s, her first career died out. Cassy comments on the breakdown: “Stupid, but it happens with vintage cars.” Calling Heidi Klum “Oldtimer” means that she has probably already issued her return ticket. Slightly annoyed by the convertible fiasco, Dieter Bohlen of the modeling industry is in destruction mode during the decision-making walk. Judgments like “sleeping pill”, “robot”, “limping” or “too stiff” are made. Sounds like the track list for a new Rammstein album, but it’s the harbinger of an unprecedented sawing off orgy. Four girls are already being sent home today. Shocked, Cassy makes Neymar backstage, collapses dramatically and lets herself be massaged for minutes with calf cramps. At home on TV, Arjen Robben murmurs approvingly: “Respect!”
Sarah has completely different problems. She fears a pelvic disqualification: “I used my hips even though they said we shouldn’t use our hips.” Using the hips even though the bosses had forbidden it is said to have had very unpleasant consequences, even in large publishing houses. Only Somajia got it worse. You attest to Heidi Klum: “I missed Pepp in your step.”
The evening ends after three and a half hours – and more commercial breaks than goals conceded at Schalke 04 – with the realization that Elsa speaks English about as well as Heidi Klum sings. And that already in episode one, the top model student ID cards of Ana, Elisabeth, Indira and Alina are withdrawn. Four out of 29 candidates are sorted out. Almost 15 percent. If Heidi Klum keeps swinging the photo guillotine so mercilessly, the finale will be faster than ex-juror Thomas Hayo can say “Attitude”. The only thing that is clear so far is that there is no finale next week. I will report anyway. Until then!