He ghosting It is an English term that serves to define a way of acting in interpersonal relationships. One of the parties acts like a ghost: it disappears at any moment and in a radical way, without warning, without giving explanations and without the possibility of having a conversation. ring a bell? It is possible, since according to data collected by the Badoo dating application it is a practice on the rise among singles: 67% suffer from it. However, it is not something exclusive to couples, since it can also occur in friendships. We analyze it with Laura Palomarespsychologist at Avance Psicólogos.
It is often thought that ‘ghosting’ is something that only happens in a couple but it can also happen in friendships. What are the reasons that can lead a person to ‘ghost’ a friend?We can often get the feeling that talking to someone regularly confirms the strength of a relationship, however, this is not necessarily the case. When someone acts in this way and there is no possible cause that justifies this ‘disappearance’, it shows a possible lack of commitment in the relationship, immaturity when it comes to facing a conversation or perhaps it is a person who finds it difficult to approach problems directly for fear of conflict.
Other possible causes may have to do with a misunderstanding, that you felt bad about a comment… Even so, it is always better not to take shortcuts, face our relationships assertively and be careful how we close them. In this way we avoid having a passive aggressive behavior, with which the other will feel hurt or punished.
What profile of person is hidden behind this type of attitude? Can you meet a lifelong friend?Behind this type of behavior there is usually an immature and ambivalent style in the way of understanding relationships and the bond, which can be confusing and painful for those who suffer from it. You appear to be superficial in relationships and may be displaying a fear of commitment.
It is not usual with lifelong friends and it usually happens with people with whom the friendship relationship is beginning through social networks. Social networks can generate the false sensation of enabling strong links. Although on the surface everything may seem very intense and deeply connected, the reality is that this is not usually the case.
The feeling of intensity that relationships through social networks can generate is not synonymous with depth
How should the ‘abandoned’ friend act? Because the feeling of guilt tends to appear in these situations.It is very important to understand that the feeling of intensity that relationships through social networks can sometimes generate is not synonymous with depth. The networks are fast, immediate and accessible, and that can confuse us. It is important to differentiate immediacy from depth in the links. Clarifying this point will help us better understand what happened.
Guilt is part of the need to understand and repair what happened. To assimilate a fact, people need to understand it, and look for the causes, even if it is in their own mistakes. Even so, it is important not to get stuck here and try to see the positive point of the end of the relationship, if it is not giving us confidence and security.
Laura Palomares
Laura Palomares (Madrid, 1973) graduated in Psychology at the UAM. She founded and has been part of Avance Psicólogos since 1999. She is an expert in Gestalt therapy, couples therapy and sexology. She is an EMDR therapist and a member of the Spanish Association of Psychological Trauma (AETPS). After 23 years of experience as a psychotherapist, she currently collaborates as a disseminator for specialized media in the field of psychology and health.
Give us some tips to overcome a friend ‘ghosting’.The feelings that usually appear after suffering this behavior from someone we trusted are strangeness and disbelief, guilt and abandonment. Relationships must be safe and constructive, not generating stress and anxiety, and this way of acting may be giving us the clue that it was not a trustworthy relationship. Seeing the positive aspect of the end of the relationship, even if it is painful, will help us to accept it.
Continuing with our day to day, without trying to find out more and relying on our loved ones and people we trust, will be the best way to relativize and feel better. Trying to see the positive aspects of the rest of our relationships, and understanding that sometimes there are losses and there is a break in relationships, will help us focus on it and preserve our self-esteem.
It is important not to get stuck and try to see the positive point of the end of the relationship, if it is not giving us confidence and security
Many times we resist believing that a friend can treat us like this and we can continue insisting with messages, calls… that end up being one-way. When should we put the red line and stop insisting?As painful and confusing as it is, if someone walks away from us in this way it is better not to insist. If it is a long-term friendship, it is reasonable to ask, directly and assertively, if we have done something that may have offended you or try to find out if something may have happened to you that prevents you from contacting us. If there is no response and we confirm that you do not want contact, it is best to respect your distance and not insist, since otherwise it would generate anxiety and frustration.
Do you think that this type of situation is more frequent in the era of virtual friendships or has it always happened?It seems that the distance and anonymity provided by social networks favor this type of behavior. For this reason, it is good to start these relationships knowing that they can have very positive aspects, but they do not imply a commitment like that of a face-to-face or long-term friendship. It can develop, of course, but it takes time and care just like any other relationship.
As painful and confusing as it is, if someone walks away from us in this way it is better not to insist
It is rare that if a partner has ‘ghosted’ you, you give them a new opportunity in the hypothetical case that they reappear in your life, but in the case of ‘ghost’ friends, should we give it to them?Depends on the circumstances. When a setback or a misunderstanding that justifies it is behind this behavior, we can consider reconciliation. When the disappearance has been unjustified, it is risky to resume the relationship, since the ambivalence and inconsistent attitudes can reoccur without just cause.