You ask, our man for love answers. This time: How do you create commitment and closeness without children?
“No child forces you into a common apartment, a common tact, a common life.”Andrey Popov/Imago
Valeria, 42: Dear Mr. Lenné, I’m at an age where I probably won’t be able to have children anymore. I’ve always expected the men I’ve met to end up with children, but it’s never really worked out. Now that I’m pretty much free of that, I’ve met someone with whom I’m in a pretty loose relationship. We write to each other every few days, there is hardly any regularity. I often think about the missed opportunity, but I don’t quite dare to talk about it. I’m afraid of being disappointed. Where is this supposed to lead? How can we strengthen our bond?
Dear Valeria, as a woman you have a harder time than us men. We can, if absolutely necessary, father children into old age. Whether we can still hold the children up high is another question. You are in a different time now. They bid farewell to this very direct kind of fertility and bond that can arise so meaningfully and easily through the children. On the one hand, you are freer, you can meet or not – no child forces you into a common apartment, a common rhythm, a common life.
Without children you feel your own hesitation more
On the other hand, you now have to listen more to your own longings. You have to open your ears inward, seek your own voices telling you when and how they want to meet. A love relationship without “disturbing” children is apparently voluntary. But without the “connecting” children, you will also feel more of your own reluctance to delve deeper. It’s those little voices that might say: “Oh, why meet?” Or: “I’m longing for him, but when he’s there I don’t really know what to do with him anymore.” Or: “After sex i feel kinda sad Then I want him to stay forever, but I also want to have my peace again.” These are all sentences that can express your personal conflict.
You have a good chance of deepening your connection with him if you share your shyness and doubts with him. If he doesn’t want to get involved with you more deeply, he will probably say so and you can realign yourself. You can roll out the red carpet and invite him on for a while, or you can leave. However, he may also have similar thoughts, and he also does not find the courage to bring them up with you. Find out!
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