- It’s difficult but not impossible, says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of several best-sellers. In this article, he shares strategies for starting the emotional process of setting limits. Foto: Jing Wei
This is a translation made by The newspaper of the article How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Memberoriginal from The New York Times.
Nedra Glover Tawwab knows, from the depths of her being, that you can’t choose the family you grow up in.
Tawwab, 39, grew up in a noisy home in Detroit where he “experienced everything,” he said, “from substance abuse to neglect in family relationships.” She scored 7 out of 10 on the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey, a tool commonly used by health care providers to gauge the severity of trauma a child has faced.
That experience led her in her career as a relationship-focused, licensed clinical social worker. She is also the author of best-sellers like the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself (“Set Limits and Find Peace: A Guide to Recovering Yourself”) and popular Instagram therapist whose 1.7 million followers devour her short advice. A recent example of such advice is: “The silent treatment is not teaching (those troublesome family members) a lesson; It’s showing you that you can’t handle conflict.”
In the new book of Tawwab, Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships (“Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships”) offers practical strategies for dealing with toxic family dynamics and ways to successfully disengage from a person when it’s time to.
“As a child, relationships are forced upon you, but as an adult you can choose who you want to be in a relationship with and in what way,” Tawwab explained. “This applies even with the family.”
Setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships is hard and enduring work, especially when it involves a parent, sibling, child, or other family member who has played a significant role in your life for as long as you can remember.
Tawwab shared some strategies to help start this emotional process.
Decide what a “successful” relationship would look like for you
You will never have a perfect relationship with anyone in your family, Tawwab said. With a difficult family member, it’s good to step back and consider what a “successful” connection means to you.
To get started, identify the issues that are affecting your dynamic with this family member. Then, decide what kind of relationship you can realistically have and what relationship you want to have with that person, taking those dynamics into account.
For example, maybe you are having relationship problems with your in-laws. “If you come from a close family and your partner has a slightly more estranged family, sometimes we try to organize things, we try to invite them, and when we get turned down we get angry,” Tawwab said. In that scenario, “success” may mean accepting the way your in-laws are and giving up trying to change the family culture, she said.
Ask yourself: what can I control?
Throughout his new book, Tawwab emphasizes his belief that you can’t change your family members.
“When the solution to the problem is ‘they need to change,’ the problem will never go away,” he says. “You can only control your side of the street.”
Tawwab recommends that we ask ourselves: If this person didn’t change anything, what—if anything—could you do to change the relationship? Write it all down on a list: “These are the problems in this relationship. These are the parts of those problems that I can change, and these are the parts that are none of my business.”
In the book, Tawwab offers the example of “Kelly” (she uses only first names at all times), who has been emotionally “burned” by her brother over and over again. Instead of worrying about how much she’d like to change her behavior, Kelly could write down coping strategies, such as letting her calls go to voicemail so she can return them when she’s ready, and letting her know that certain topics, such as outbursts about siblings or parents, are off limits.
Increase your tolerance for difficult conversations
Changing a dysfunctional relationship will inevitably require you to say harsh things to a family member. But that’s a skill anyone can develop, Tawwab said.
Start with a motivational speech. Remind yourself that being assertive about your needs and limits is not rude.
Then, when it’s time to approach a family member, stick to your script, Tawwab recommended. People often put off difficult conversations because they are looking for the “right” words. It’s okay to say something like, “I don’t want you to yell at me anymore,” and he elaborated, “There’s no more ‘beautiful’ or perfect way to say that.” (Therapy can also help you identify and connect with your needs and learn to express them.)
“We have deluded ourselves into thinking that we should always feel comfortable, so even when we are saying difficult things, our goal is to say them without the other person feeling upset, angry, or wanting additional explanation,” he said. “And that’s not being realistic.”
Keep in mind that the family member may take it personally
In dysfunctional families, change is almost always perceived as rejection, the Tawwab said. She writes in her book that “unhealthy family boundaries are a threat to system dysfunction.”
Your call for change might be met with disapproval (“you’re wrong for changing; everything was fine until you intervened”), shame (“you’re a terrible person”), or resentment (“I’m upset because you want something different”). She could also face general resistance, which could mean a family member continuing to act as if she didn’t say anything or pressuring you to change your mind.
Anticipating those responses can help you prepare so that you won’t feel hurt by a family member’s reaction.
Find a healthy distance
Tawwab said he was struck by the number of people realizing the strategic power of distance and its importance in preserving certain ties while establishing a healthier dynamic.
Point out that distancing yourself from a family member is not the same as ignoring that person. Distancing can mean putting time and space between you and your family member (for example, turning down invitations or staying in a hotel during family vacations). Distancing could also mean becoming less emotionally involved with the person (for example, turning the conversation away from topics you’re not comfortable with, or simply excluding the person from certain areas of your life).
If you want to maintain a relationship with a difficult family member because you ultimately feel worth it, acceptance and strategic distancing may bring you some peace, Tawwab writes, but it won’t be easy.
“You will have to work to accept situations and be patient with what is out of your control,” he writes. “Remember that dealing with certain problem behaviors is a choice.”
Translated by José Silva