2023-04-26 14:48:00
“It turned out to be no cakewalk, finding a diagnosis. Many ADHD centers were found to have an assumption hold. Or just help people from a certain insurance company, for policies like mine the pot was already used up. I already knew that there were waiting lists, but that I couldn’t even join them anymore, frustrated me enormously. Sometimes there seemed to be a glimmer of hope on the horizon, such as with one of the biggest in the area, Dr. Bosman, where I could follow a treatment program online. It seemed fine to me, efficient too, but no. For that you already had to have a diagnosis in your pocket, and that’s exactly what I was looking for. For months I peddled with myself for a label. It feels like the world upside down. Usually you hope that you don’t have something, and now I was looking for someone who could prove with me that I do have something. Because all those hours of waiting only made me more convinced. I read the book Busy by Francien Regelink and discovered again how helpful recognition is. Always on, or completely off, impulsively quitting a job or drowning in the social aspect of office life, having a thousand thoughts a minute in which you are doing the least favorably: everything that I found strange about myself is listed page after page in this book. A relief.
Insurance
Finally, I decided to put my insurance to work for me. Let them find out which club I could still turn to with my policy, I thought. That worked, because that gave me three usable addresses. My doctor said of one: don’t do it, I could come to the other, but still not, because they first wanted to rule out all other psychological disorders and no, that was not possible at their office, but somewhere else. The latter turned out to be the best. In another three conversations, with a psychologist, a psychiatrist, yet another psychologist and piles of questionnaires, we worked for months towards a diagnosis.
ADHD pitfall
The great thing about knowing why I act the way I do is that it gives me a wave of self-compassion. That it’s not unwillingness that I can’t get my house cleaned up, but ignorance. That it’s not a weakness that I find cooking an extremely annoying job, but a typical ADHD pitfall, makes me more understanding of myself. I look inquisitively and no longer judge my own doings. And that makes life a lot easier, even with an overweight body.
Eating clinic
In the meantime I also put myself on the waiting list for an eating clinic. Because while both the pros and myself think that my binge eating, i.e. piles of cookies at ten thirty and chips after lunch, are largely due to the turmoil in my head, there is still plenty to explore about my personal eating laws. The waiting list for this is over forty weeks, so I just want to be on it. You can always cancel.
Gift
Until they called last week. A spot had become available and I can come next week. For the rest of this year I’ll be doing eating or ADHD therapy two days a week and the other days I’ll be writing my bread together. A whole team of psychologists, dietitians, doctors and therapists turn me inside out, all to help me. I cannot give myself a greater gift.”
#months #peddled #label