2023-06-06 10:58:22
Source: own image
“When I think about it, my father never actually experienced the entire gender development of my child. I never thought about that until last weekend we had to deal with a situation where they completely didn’t understand each other anymore and this made both very sad. My father has had dementia for several years and lately he has been deteriorating rapidly.
Now I will say right away that this gender development for older people may not be possible to follow anyway. A new concept such as non-binary is difficult and I understand that, because I also had to get used to it myself. And then I’m not yet 80. My own mother, on the other hand, is very open-minded. She even bought a dress for my child once, which I really thought was a thing at the time (it’s different now). I broke out in a sweat when I had my child in that dress and I didn’t say anything for most of the afternoon. I had to get used to it and was also afraid that my child would be hurt by others.
Tough guys
My father is a different story. He thinks that all boys like to play and that you become a strong man if you can beat him with a handshake. My father used to fight with other children to protect his sisters, because some brothers were too weak, according to him. He is still proud that he dared everything. As boys are supposed to be. So another generation.
However, my father is fond of Cédé and doesn’t care that he is gay. He is a proud grandfather who likes to check on his grandchild when he has to perform again at a theater performance, although he can no longer follow it. He also never said anything about it when Cédé walked in heels. Maybe he thought something about it, but he didn’t say it.
Dementia
And now my father has dementia and everything is different. Different in the form that my father forgets everything and tells an awful lot of tall stories. He’s been through it all and been everywhere (and I mean everywhere). When you start about your holiday you can talk for a while, but soon he will interrupt you to tell his own story about the country where he has been of course. If you don’t know that he has dementia, you think, what an adventurer that man is. His own fantasy has now become his reality and that is sometimes quite funny.
It was also embarrassing at first, I’ll be honest about that. For example, when he told wildly strange people with dry eyes that he had been on the moon. A very strong story, especially if you don’t immediately realize that my father has dementia. These days, we twist it and let it. After all, denying it makes no sense. It is above all a degrading disease that ensures that you slowly have to say goodbye to someone who is actually still alive. And for my father it is also very bad that he is constantly confused and that this can cause unpleasant situations. We noticed that again when my child visited their grandparents.
Uncomfortable
“Do you want to play a game with me, Y (my father still mentions my child’s birth name)? And come and shake your hand, because that really makes you a strong guy. You’re a tough guy, aren’t you?”
Just a few words from my father that, unintentionally, come across very hard to my child. Starting with the birth name that my child doesn’t like to hear. The fact that Cédé is then also called a guy is also unfortunate. This non-binary child definitely does not feel like a boy and does not want to be associated with one. My child therefore starts to laugh hysterically from fright. We all start laughing out of embarrassment. Except for my father who clearly has no end to it.
We leave so as not to make things more uncomfortable and Cédé quickly flees into the car. Despite his dementia, my father realizes that something is wrong and asks me if he has said something wrong. “He’s a boy, isn’t he?” I hear him ask. He is clearly upset and to salvage the situation I find myself explaining to him that Cédé is non-binary, not a boy and not a girl. And so it really doesn’t matter. Of course this is much too complicated, resulting in a father who now understands nothing at all. Why am I trying to explain this to someone with dementia? Probably because my father, despite his illness, suddenly feels the situation flawless and that confuses me again.
Sad
When I get home, my child flees to their room, never to get rid of it. After a while I decide to talk to them anyway. My child is sad. Cédé thought it was manageable that my father said the birth name, but that they were also taken for a tough guy was a bridge too far. “Grandpa can see that I have long hair now, right? What about my long nails?” My child doesn’t understand how grandpa can be so wrong.
I decide to explain what dementia means. That you forget everything and go back to the past. “You can’t blame grandpa, he really can’t help it. I am very sorry to see that you are sad about it and understand that this is painful with your grandfather. But unfortunately we can’t change this anymore. It can get even worse and the only person who can influence this situation is you. You are still young so I understand that it is difficult to react differently to a situation that initially hurts.” My child nods affirmatively.
hurt
“It’s so hard, mom, to change your primary reaction when you get hurt. Even if not on purpose, I still want to respond. Can I change my primary response?” I think so. “Next time you might feel hurt again, but hopefully you’ll think of this conversation soon. That grandpa really doesn’t mean it that way and only knows you as Y who was born as a boy. He doesn’t know anything else. And soon he may not remember that either.” My child understands.
My father was also upset all evening, my mother told me. And so did I, because I saw a sad father and a sad child. I couldn’t sleep well that night.
Dementia is a rotten disease. A disease with only losers.”
Brenda Schaaper
Brenda Schaaper is a columnist for J/M Ouders and mother of Cédé (16). She is in a relationship with Roger who has two daughters (18, 20). In her columns, Brenda writes candidly about everything she encounters as a mother of a non-binary child. Every two weeks you can read a new column from her on J/M Ouders.
Columnist Brenda: ‘I saw that the dress looked great, but I found it so difficult’
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Columnist Brenda: ‘Why am I trying to explain this to someone with dementia?’