2023-06-23 08:59:43
Por Francesc Miralles, psychologist.
Attorney and mediator Douglas E. Noll, who has worked in high-security prisons, offers a prescription for defusing an anger-charged situation.
We all frequently attend the spectacle of people who lose their roles. It can be someone behind the wheel who insults another driver, a neighbor who complains about the noise in the next apartment, but also people closer to us that we cannot ignore. The outburst of anger can come from a boss, from our partner or from our children. If we react in a similar way, the only thing we will achieve is to escalate the conflict, which usually results in emotional wounds that are difficult to heal later. What to do, then, when someone is out of his mind? Lawyer and mediator Douglas E. Noll, who has worked in high-security prisons, provides an answer in his book De-escalate (Harp). He ensures that tension can be lowered in less than 90 seconds through the following three steps:
1. Ignore the words. Instead of paying attention to them, it is much more important to listen to emotions. According to Douglas E. Noll: “Our brains are trained to focus on a single task. So when we consciously choose to ignore words, we are freeing up our brain’s processing power to focus on emotions.” On the other hand, when someone is very angry, he often says hurtful things that he will later regret. If we stick with these words, our own emotions will travel to anger and we will escalate the conflict. If, instead of looking at the insult or disqualification, we identify the emotion that the other is experiencing, it will be much easier for us to get out of the quagmire. This brings us to the second point.
2. Discover the emotional experience of the other. Beyond the words, the question is: what is the other person feeling? As empathic beings that we are, this is something that we can know naturally. The author proposes to direct our radar to six fundamental emotions of the negative spectrum: anger, fear, anguish, disgust, shame-humiliation or abandonment-rejection. Without needing to rationalize, everyone can identify which of these emotions an angry person is experiencing. The recognition of it will facilitate the resolution of the conflict, as we will see below.
3. Reflects the emotions through a sentence in the second person. Douglas E. Noll proposes reacting with a simple statement like “you are angry” or “you are disappointed”. Even if we miss the specific emotion, that won’t make things worse. The other person will correct us by saying something like, “I’m not mad, I’m frustrated!” By repeating her labeling, the person will feel recognized and will begin to de-escalate. Just the opposite happens when we use the first person (“I think you…”) because the other person feels questioned and attacked. You have to take the ego out of the equation.
In his three-step method, the author of De-escalating advises that, when labeling emotions, we observe three things in the other person:
Verbal response. It may be that, feeling understood, our interlocutor says “aha” or an emphatic “yes” that shows that we have connected with him.
Fallen shoulders. When someone is angry, she tenses and raises her shoulders. Calming down, she relaxes her shoulders and they drop. This would be another unconscious indication of de-escalation.
Sigh or exhale. These and other signs of relaxation tell us that the person in front of us is calming down.
Douglas E. Noll gives in his book a simple example of emotion labeling between two friends, one acting as a speaker (H) and the other as a listener (O).
H. My husband does not listen to me. As soon as he comes home, he turns on the TV.
O. You feel angry and disrespected.
H. Yes! And whenever I ask her about her feelings, she shuts down.
O. You feel upset and sad because he doesn’t communicate with you.
H. I feel so alone sometimes… It’s like we live in two worlds apart.
O. You feel alone and rejected.
H. Yes, it is exactly that. Thanks for listening.
O. Count on me whenever you want.
As the person speaking feels understood, we will observe them nodding their head, shoulders slumping, and even releasing a sigh of relaxation. If we help others to de-escalate, in addition to saving ourselves unnecessary problems, we will contribute to creating a climate of greater kindness and empathy in our environment.
#steps #seconds #disarm #anger #Health #Medicine