2023-06-25 13:00:38
Amber (36) had a child because her ex wanted to be a father so badly. But for her, motherhood came more as a curse than a blessing. “I didn’t want to be a mother at all,” she now dares to admit.
“It’s late afternoon when I Rose pick up from my ex. She runs over to me, wraps her arms around me and hugs me. My daughter loves me unconditionally and I love her. But as much as I love her, I regret motherhood. If only I had listened to my own feelings.”
His children’s wish
At twenty-three I learned Paul know through my work. He was sweet, caring and cared a lot for me. He was crazy about me and soon we were living together. I wasn’t head over heels in love with him, but I wanted to leave home. The atmosphere there was not pleasant and I saw my new friend as an excuse. That love, it would surely come.
Although the infatuation did not materialize, I found with Paul and his family the kindness that I missed with my parents. They did give me love and attention and when Paul’s wish to have children came up, we decided to stop taking the pill. At that time I also supported this choice. Wasn’t this what was expected of a woman in a relationship? Paul was also very good with children. Watching him play with his nieces and nephews made him seem like the perfect dad. Then they played games or he kicked a ball with them.
Positive test
Getting pregnant turned out not to be obvious for me and Paul. It didn’t work out and in the meantime our relationship went downhill. Paul was a homebody and he became more and more jealous when I did things. When I went out with friends, he wanted to know everything – how, what, where and with whom. That made me less and less interested in intimacy with him. After six years together, our relationship ended. I was looking hard for a new place to live – my things were with friends and I lived partly in my car – when I didn’t get my period. Stressful, I thought. Thinking it was a false alarm, I took a pregnancy test just to be sure: positive. That was the very first time in my life that my heart skipped a beat. This was not possible at all! I immediately wanted to do another test I didn’t have, so I went inside McDonalds. Not much later I held another positive test there on the toilet. I could not believe it. Why now all of a sudden?
In a panic, I called my best friend, who immediately showered me with congratulations. He assumed I was happy with it, when all I thought was, I can’t do this right now. I couldn’t get rid of my egg with my mother, whom I called afterwards. I had a child and according to her I had to take responsibility for that. I also found little support with my ex at first. He was so shocked when I told him that he never heard from me again. That gave me a lot of stress. Did he already have another? Did he just leave me alone? After two days of radio silence I heard from him again. He was sure: he wanted to keep it. But I didn’t really want a child myself. Not at the time anyway, and certainly not with my ex. In addition, my mother kept insisting that I now had obligations. No one asked what I wanted and partly because of that I continued the pregnancy. When, to make matters worse, I also lost my security job, I was forced to move back in with Paul. As a pregnant, unemployed woman, where else could I find shelter?
No maternal feelings
The pregnancy went well physically, but a child grew in my belly that I had nothing to do with. It felt like not me, but someone else was pregnant. And in the meantime I was constantly confronted with my pregnancy by my environment. If it wasn’t an old woman in the store who asked if I was having a boy or a girl, then it would have been my girlfriends. For them, pregnancy equaled happiness. Well-meaning, they organized a baby shower for me, but it only made me feel anxious. There was cake and diapers were everywhere. I regularly had to walk away that afternoon to ‘go to the toilet’. There I gathered myself together, but I would have preferred to burst into tears. I had no maternal feelings and doubted I ever would.
Depressed feelings
In March 2011 my daughter Rose was born. The midwife put her on my chest immediately after delivery and my fears became reality. I didn’t feel that unconditional love that mothers always talk about. She was slippery, didn’t cry and moved all the time. It was like holding someone else’s child. I looked at her and thought, I’m not ready for this at all.
Much to my relief, Rose was not a crybaby. She was a quiet child and when I looked at her, I saw a beautiful baby. It just felt to me like she wasn’t mine. I still hoped that the maternal feeling would be awakened in me. That my intuition, which screamed that I wasn’t ready for this yet, wasn’t right after all. But meanwhile I experienced more and more depressed feelings. At one point I was in bed with Rose and I no longer felt the desire to live. When I told my mother about it, she advised me to see a psychologist. I have done that. I shared my depressive thoughts and those conversations, in combination with antidepressants, made me feel better over time. But pointing out that I really didn’t want Rose, I didn’t even dare to confide that to the psychologist.
More often to dad
When Rose was one and a half years old, I finally found a home of my own. I now had a new job in healthcare and was able to buy a house. My ex and I have shared custody ever since, but she spends more time with him than me. We made that choice consciously when my ex became unemployed. He’s a much better parent than I am. Fatherhood really seems like second nature to him, like he’s never done anything else. My daughter is now ten years old and it feels like a relief to me that we have come this far. She is sweet, caring, sensitive and a real friend to everyone. Although the mother feeling is still not quite there and I don’t think it will come. I see my daughter more as my little sister. Rose and I have really good times – lying in bed together, going to the playground, the beach or the mall – but I still find it difficult too. I still sometimes experience depressed feelings. Then it takes me so much effort when I have to pick her up from my ex. She then comes running towards me, which is actually very nice, but for me at such a moment it is really a task to hug her back. When she says she loves me, it doesn’t always get through.
Worthless mother
I feel like I have had to sacrifice a lot for my daughter. I wasn’t ready for motherhood and my ex wasn’t the right man for me. As a mother I have so many obligations and I miss life and freedom before. It was my dream to live abroad with a partner and then work in a hospital there. I’ve never told anyone that I didn’t want to be a mother—or at least not when I became one. I’m afraid of the reactions. What kind of worthless mother are you if you really didn’t want your child?
I sometimes think it has to do with my own upbringing. I received little love from my parents at home. I was an accident and my mother never hid that. As a child, that affected me a lot. For that reason I absolutely do not want my daughter to realize that she is not wanted either. Honestly, I love her very much, and it’s painful to admit, but I’m sorry. I am very sorry that she was not wanted and still is not always wanted. To other women in similar situations, I would say that you should always follow your gut. It’s okay not to want kids. If you are pregnant and unsure, there are options, such as adoption or an abortion. I often wonder why I didn’t consider adoption at the time. That would have been better for Rose. If I could turn back time, I would have listened to myself. Then maybe the motherly feeling would have come and I would have had a child when I was ready. Me, and not the rest.”
This article originally appeared in Marie Claire December 2021.
Text: Sabine van der Spoel | Image: Taryn Elliot (Pexels)
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