2023-08-24 07:19:56
When it comes to the subject of arguments on vacation in the media, the same statistical information has been used for years, according to which two thirds of couples argue on vacation. Apparently, the many advice texts with tips for avoiding disputes and arbitration have not been able to change anything essential. For Germans, arguing is as much a part of vacation as sun and beach. The question remains whether and how one can argue with one another in a cultivated manner? Communication trainer and conflict researcher Andrea Sydow has a few tips.
WELT: Which type of holiday has the least potential for conflict: adults-only hotels, wellness trips, cruises?
Andrea Sydow: All the examples you mentioned are good per se. However, it is important to remember that conflict between a couple happens from the inside out. This means that the conflict already exists internally and is only triggered by an external cause. And if there is a deficit in the partnership, the problems will come to light one way or another, whether in an adults-only hotel or on a cruise ship.
also read
Travel psychologist in conversation
WELT: In your opinion, does it help if quarrelsome couples deliberately spend their holidays in countries that place greater value on polite manners in order to discipline themselves there? I’m thinking of Japan, for example, where composure is the top priority.
also read
Sydow: When it comes to temperament and composure, don’t be fooled. A demeaning remark does not only hit the core of a person if it is expressed in a spirited manner. Even a mean, manipulative comment, expressed with all the rules of composure, hits everyone to the core. Or rather: in the brain.
WELT: You have to explain that.
Sydow: According to brain research, we quickly feel unsafe in the presence of other people as soon as they deviate from the norm and send certain warning signals. These can also be subtle, even an impatient look or a sigh is enough to trigger your own warning system – and brick it immediately.
The argument actually starts as soon as someone no longer feels safe in the room, and the brain actually reacts quite quickly. Incidentally, someone who snaps quickly and answers curtly triggers the same reflexes in the other person.
WELT: Is it then at all possible to argue in a civilized manner, or is that a contradiction in terms?
Sydow: Arguing in a cultivated manner is not a contradiction in terms, but requires practice. In addition to the willingness to simply listen, it is also essential to see the other person in their differentness and to acknowledge that the other person is who they are and not how we would like them to be. This is the basic requirement for conflict management.
WELT: If a relationship is already on shaky ground and rough words are the rule rather than the exception, should couples then better forgo a holiday or even just travel?
Sydow: Even with deep-seated conflicts, couples can still turn things around for the better with structured conversations. Beautiful surroundings, warmth, and good food can help couples create the space for such conversations. The more harmonious and cordial the environment, the more open and cooperative people are.
also read
WELT: Assuming everything is fine – the hotel is beautiful, there are enough free loungers by the pool, vegan dishes at the buffet and the sun is shining. How do you start a conversation about conflicts in such a way that the mood doesn’t immediately turn negative?
Sydow: Everyone surely knows the inner shudder when we are told: “You, we have to talk!” In order to prevent this unpleasant feeling and not to put the brain in a defensive attitude, the following formulation is much more effective: “You? Shall we talk about this and that tomorrow morning?”
So, on the one hand, I respected the boundaries of the other. It feels good and he’s more willing to listen to me. On the other hand, I’ve told him what I’m about and he can prepare himself for it internally. The brain loves predictability.
WELT: And then?
Sydow: Then you try, for example using a simple chess clock, to take turns speaking. And – very important – really listen to your partner and think through his arguments. This is the only way to silence the inner voice that is already working on its own monologue of justification and reproaches.
In general, this unspeakable German monologue – whoever only repeats his own mustard does not solve a conflict, but rather exacerbates it. If you really want to end a dispute, you should avoid accusations, devaluations and blame in the conversation. Because they stand in the room like wild elephants and make it impossible to establish closeness and understanding.
WELT: According to surveys, two-thirds of German couples argue on vacation. Can this high belligerence be explained by overly naïve holiday expectations, to which people react all the more violently if everything doesn’t go according to plan?
Sydow: An interesting theory, which I would like to neither confirm nor refute due to a lack of sociological expertise. What I can say from my own practice, however, is that even when Germans make an effort to communicate well, they quickly lapse into bossiness, glee, and principledness.
After all, you have worked diligently on your arguments, thought everything through and formed an opinion on a topic. People are reluctant to move away from this bulwark, which of course is poison for an open and constructive debate. Instead of arriving at new insights, one gets stuck in dogmatism. Good conflict management therefore begins at this point.
WELT: What exactly does off mean?
Sydow: We were just talking about a couple starting a conversation and trying to take turns speaking using a real or imaginary chess clock. Now, after pressing the imaginary chess clock, whoever was listening attentively might ask, “Would you like to say more?”
WELT: That sentence, just like that?
Sydow: Yes, because the partner addressed in this way feels that he is important to the other, he can calm down inside and open up more.
More tips for a successful holiday:
WELT: Do you have any more spells like this up your sleeve?
Sydow: Magic spell is the wrong word for this, but here you go: The sentence “It makes sense what you’re saying” is perfect for placating your counterpart and taking the wind out of their sails.
WELT: If I understand you correctly, then the right sentence at the right time is already half the conflict resolution?
Sydow: Something like that. In conflict research, this is called structured interviewing.
WELT: Do you also have any tips for resolving disputes that can be successfully applied unilaterally, i.e. without cooperation from the other party?
Sydow: Yes, even without the cooperation of the other person I can make a difference, for example by not only saying what bothers me, but also how I would like it to be. So don’t just complain, but express concrete wishes.
And never, under no circumstances, make accusations, devaluations or blame, because they prevent closeness and understanding for cognitive reasons alone. You remember: Our brain switches to alarm mode in unpleasant situations, which in turn prevents differentiated thinking. If you scream and wave your hands, you’ve already lost.
WELT: Then the temperamental southerners have per se bad cards in negotiations and arguments, similar to the bossy Germans.
Sydow: Coming from South America myself, I have also lived in Spain. In the Mediterranean region people actually deal more expressively with their joy and displeasure. However, one cannot generalize.
There are big differences within South America, for example. While in Buenos Aires, for example, people curse cheerfully and socially acceptable, the same words would not come across the lips of someone from Lima, even in a state of emergency. In Peru it is frowned upon to use harsh words.
Andrea Sydow is a communication trainer and conflict researcher
Source: The Photographer Berlin
As an expert in interviewing and conflict resolution, Andrea Sydow has been leading seminars on “Conflict and Forgiveness” in Europe, the USA and Latin America since 2006. The communication trainer lives in Berlin, more information at sydow-coaching.com.
This is where you will find third-party content
In order to display embedded content, your revocable consent to the transmission and processing of personal data is required, since the providers of the embedded content as third-party providers require this consent [In diesem Zusammenhang können auch Nutzungsprofile (u.a. auf Basis von Cookie-IDs) gebildet und angereichert werden, auch außerhalb des EWR]. By setting the switch to “on”, you agree to this (which can be revoked at any time). This also includes your consent to the transfer of certain personal data to third countries, including the USA, in accordance with Art. 49 (1) (a) GDPR. You can find more information about this. You can withdraw your consent at any time via the switch and via privacy at the bottom of the page.
#Quarrels #vacation #deal #conflicts #couple