2023-10-01 20:00:25
Each person has an identity, projects, dreams and expectations. It is not possible to live life through others, and even less so through children.
Last update: October 1, 2023
On the parenting path that you begin when you become a father or mother, you invest a lot of time, energy and love. You intend to provide your children with well-being, affection and support for their full development. However, when dedication crosses the fine line and becomes a way of living through children, it can be harmful.
This phenomenon consists of Parents focus all their attention, interests and goals on the existence of their children, leaving aside their own needs and desires. The situation produces imbalances and dysfunctions, and can lead to negative consequences.
The 5 risks for children of living through them
As a parent, it is normal for you to enjoy your children’s successes and share the happiness of their achievements, but it is not healthy for you to make that the center of your life. You will probably forget who you really are. You have your own identity, dreams, needs and expectations.
Although it may not sound nice, being a mother or father does not define you as a person. But how can it be harmful to children? Look at this list with the risks that arise from this behavior.
1. Lack of identity development
When parents live through their children, little ones may have difficulty developing their own identity. Additionally, as they feel pressured to meet their parents’ expectations, they could have problems with a lack of self-knowledge and self-esteem.
2. Excessive stress
Children who experience this type of pressure may face high levels of stress and anxiety. The need to fulfill dreams that are not your own, but those of your parents, can be detrimental to your emotional well-being.
3. Lack of problem-solving skills
If parents solve all of their children’s problems, their children do not have the opportunity to learn to face challenges and deal with conflicts on their own. This aspect can hinder your ability to deal with difficult situations. in the future.
4. Unstable interpersonal relationships
Keep in mind that when you are living through your children, you also cast shadows on them, generating overprotection. This behavior causes difficulties when children establish their own interpersonal relationships, trust others and make decisions for themselves.
5. Frustration and resentment
As children grow and feel pressure to meet their parents’ expectations, It is common for them to experience feelings of frustration and resentment. This aspect can damage the relationship between parents and children and affect family dynamics.
Living through your children is also bad for you
Identifying whether you are living vicariously through your child is the first step in addressing this harmful behavior. Here are some key signs that could give you clues that you are going through this situation:
Excessive expectations: If you consistently set expectations based on your needs for your child, in terms of academic, sporting or social achievement, then you live vicariously through him and his activities.
Extreme investment of time and energy: If you dedicate most of your time to your child’s activities, neglecting your own interests and needs, you should rethink your schedule and priorities. Especially if you are leaving aside your own activities, such as hobbies, sports, social gatherings.
Making personal decisions that correspond to the other: Making important decisions for your child, from choosing friends to extracurricular activities, without considering their opinion, is taking away their autonomy and not recognizing their abilities.
Constant comparisons with other children: When in comparison with other children, others have some success, you may have negative feelings, such as jealousy or envy. This could lead you to a dangerous spiral of violence against your child, considering that he “is not up to the task” of a certain circumstance.
Inability to accept mistakes or failures: If you feel devastated or angry when your child makes mistakes or faces failures, you are overreacting. It is also possible that you attribute alleged parenting errors to yourself because your child did not achieve this or that academic or sporting success, which diverts the focus of attention from where it should be: you live through it.
Although it may seem like you dedicate a lot of time and effort to your children and that makes you a great father or mother, if you live your life through them you are putting the family dynamic at risk. Parents who live vicariously through their children often experience high levels of stress and disappointment. The result is usually resentment between both parties in the relationship.
What can I do to stop living through my children?
If you recognized the signs we talked about in your children and in yourself, it’s time to take action. Stopping living through them is possible and will be a healthy path for everyone in the family.
First, reflect on your expectations. Ask yourself if you are projecting your own dreams onto them. and if you are willing to accept that they may have different interests and goals.
Now, support your children’s individual interests and passions. Even if they don’t match your own tastes. Once at this point, set realistic expectations, recognizing their abilities and limitations. Don’t hold them to high, unattainable standards..
In turn, spend time cultivating your personal goals. Maintaining a balanced and fulfilling life outside of raising children will help you not rely too much on their achievements for your own happiness.
If you realize that you are struggling to stop living through your children, consider seeking support from a therapist or family counselor. Professionals can guide you to explore your own motivations and change behavioral patterns.
Stop living through your children and enjoy them!
From psychology, Freud pointed out that many parents believe that “the child will fulfill those illusory dreams… that they never realized”. This leads to unhealthy relationships with children, whether they are children, adolescents, or young adults. In any case, living with the pressure of meeting other people’s expectations and ambitions will lead to insecurity and low self-esteem.
It is crucial to find a balance between parenting and your own life. Parents can support their children without sacrificing their own identity and well-being. Doing so fosters an environment in which everyone can happily develop and thrive.
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