2024-01-03 19:11:38
We are becoming increasingly accustomed to the appearance of neologisms and anglicisms that give names to certain realities in the field of couple and emotional relationships. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, lovebombing… many of these new terms also have the particularity that they refer to eminently negative phenomena, with a component of emotional manipulation or even psychological abuse that can be harmful even to people’s mental health.
This does not necessarily mean that all of these behaviors are new, but rather that our language is adapting to name behaviors that until now were normalized and made invisible within relationship models marked by inequality.
What does this toxic behavior consist of?
A clear example is what we call neggging, which comes from the Anglo-Saxon expression negative feedback, almost literally negative reinforcement. The term seeks to have evident overtones of behavioral psychology, but this deliberate connotation should not distract us from its true origin.
In reality, the ideal of negging was born within the community of self-proclaimed pickup artists: a group of men, connected mainly through Internet channels, whose objective is the development of techniques and methods of manipulation with the aim of flirting, often based on pseudoscientific assumptions about supposed psychological characteristics common to the entire female gender. This social phenomenon was thoroughly documented by the American journalist Neil Strauss in his books The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists (2005) Rules of the Game (2007) (which, on the other hand, have become a kind of ‘bible’ for the group due to the positive light in which they portray him and because they detail many of the supposed techniques used by him).
Be that as it may, and as Strauss describes, negging consists of throwing ‘poisoned’ compliments, which actually hide a veiled insult and which seek to damage the self-esteem of the other person (usually a woman) in order to generate a need in them. to obtain the handler’s approval. Mara Mariño (@Duchess2lips) provides some very revealing examples in a blog post in 20 minutes: “If I cared about looks, I wouldn’t be with you” or “You’re more attractive than pretty.”
How to detect neggging
Taking all of the above into account, it must be noted, first of all, that neggging is not a concept coming from scientific literature, but rather slang from specific communities that emerged in the heat of the web (and, therefore, we will find better definitions in pages like Urban Dictionary than in any technical thesaurus).
Even so, the truth is that there is some scientific evidence that momentary self-esteem can influence receptivity to another person’s advances (in a very summary way, researcher Elaine Walster published a study in 1965 in Journal of Experimental Social Psychology in which it evaluated the impact of having received negative or positive results from a supposed personality test on the way in which female participants responded to the romantic advances of a male assistant). This should not be understood as an endorsement of these methods, but rather as another reason to be alert to behaviors that seek to establish emotional relationships from power dynamics in which one party must obtain approval from the other.
The health news portal HealthlineHowever, it warns that neggging often begins gradually and subtly, which can be difficult to detect. Those who use these techniques could even hide behind the fact that they are jokes or blame the victim for their supposed susceptibility.
Health effects and how to deal with it
Ultimately, the effects that negging can have on our mental health are in addition to the various consequences of the abusive relationships in which they are part (including, again according to Healthline, anxiety, depression and chronic pain). In instances of abuse or sexist violence, there may also be a risk of suicide or self-harm or injuries due to attacks.
That is why, in the face of behaviors like these, it is important to take action. If they occur within an already established relationship, it may be appropriate to resort to public services and resources for victims of psychological abuse or sexist violence. In certain cases, psychological or psychiatric care is even considered appropriate when the victim feels lasting consequences that harm their mood, self-esteem, or well-being.
References
Neil Strauss. The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. It Books (2005). EAN/UPC: 9780060554736
Neil Strauss. Rules of the Game. It Books (2007). EAN/UPC 9780061911699
Mara Mariño. ‘Negging’, the toxic ‘trick’ to seduce that seems like the work of Barney Stinson. Lilih Blue’s blog – 20 minutes (2024). Consulted online at on January 2, 2024.
Urban Dictionary. Negging. Consulted online at on January 3, 2024.
Walster, E. The effect of self-esteem on romantic liking. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology (1965) DOI: https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-1031(65)90045-4
Ann Pietrangelo. How to Recognize and Respond to Negging. Healthline (2019). Consulted online at on January 3, 2024.
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