It all started after the covid-19 pandemic. The snoring became unbearable and Cecilia could not fall asleep. She was pushing her partner, trying to turn him around; move it so she would stop snoring. But it was useless.
Then, the 35-year-old woman couldn’t take it anymore. And this is how they made a decision: They would no longer sleep together, not in the same room..
“I couldn’t concentrate on my work, I was tired all day. You can endure it for a couple of nights but in the long run, you can’t survive,” Cecilia said in conversation with BBC Mundo from London, where he has lived for a couple of years. “It was not an easy decision. It broke our hearts a little. But when we realized we could sleep, I was happy”he added.
Cecilia and her partner, 43 years old, are part of an increasingly growing trend called “sleep divorce” (which in Spanish means “dream divorce”).
“Divorce from sleep is usually something that, initially, is done temporarily. But then couples realize that, in reality, They sleep better when they are alone“, he explained to BBC Mundo Stephanie Collierpsychiatrist at McLean Hospital, specializing in mental health and belonging to the Harvard University School of Medicine, in the United States.
“Normally, the reasons have to do with health… They occur because a person snores, has restless legs, sleepwalks or goes to the bathroom a lot for medical reasons. Then they move, they turn around and that bothers their partner,” he said.
A growing phenomenon among millenials
At the end of last year, the well-known American actress Cameron Diaz told on the podcast Lipstick on the Rim that she and her husband do not sleep in the same room. “And I think we need to normalize separate bedrooms,” she added.
Although the revelation provoked thousands of reactions on social networks – and articles in the media – the case of the Hollywood star is not isolated.
According to a study carried out in 2023 by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM)more than a third of respondents in the United States acknowledged sleeping occasionally or regularly in separate rooms with their partners in order to improve sleep quality.
The research revealed that the trend is accentuated among “millenials” (the generation that is currently between 28 and 42 years old, approximately), where almost half (43%) responded that they sleep separately from their partner.
The list is followed by generation (born between 1965 and 1980), with 33%; then the generation Z (born between 1997 and 2012), with 28%; and finally the baby boomers (born between 1946 and 1964), with 22%.
“Although it is not known exactly why younger generations are more likely to do so, there are some hypotheses. One is that there is less stigma around the idea of sleeping separately. It is a cultural change. They think: ‘If I sleep better, I feel better. So why not?’” Collier said.
Throughout history, this idea fluctuated. Some historians have argued that the “marriage bed” is a modern concept and that its use intensified with the industrial Revolutionwhen people went to live in more populated cities with less space.
But before the Victorian era it was common for married couples to sleep apart. “And the higher the socioeconomic level, the more common it was. “It’s a matter of seeing how the royals slept,” he said. Pablo Brockmannsomnologist at the medical school of the Catholic University of Chile.
What are its advantages?
Experts agree that there are several advantages for couples who decide to sleep in separate rooms. “The main advantage is that they can develop regular and deep sleep. And getting good sleep is critical to overall well-being,” Collier said.
“If a person can’t fall asleep, it affects everything from their immunity to their bodily functioning. Plus, you get angry faster and are not as patient. You can even develop some type of depression,” she added.
The psychiatrist assured that also can help maintain a “healthier” relationship. “We know that couples, when they are not well rested, may argue more, are more irritable and lose empathy,” she said.
Seema Khosla, pulmonologist and spokesperson for the AASM, agreed with the previous point. “Poor sleep can worsen mood and those who are sleep deprived are more likely to argue with their partners. There may be some resentment toward the person causing the sleep interruptionwhich can negatively affect relationships,” he noted when the AASM launched its research on “sleep divorce”.
“Getting a good night’s sleep is important for both health and happiness, so it’s no surprise that some couples choose to sleep apart for their overall well-being,” he added. For Cecilia, sleeping in a different room from her current partner “it changed his life”. “It’s much more comfortable. The fact of being able to sleep better, of having more space in the bed, of being able to toss and turn without disturbing others…” she said.
And he stressed: “Also, you don’t have to wake up at the same time as your partner. You really wake up when you want or need it.”
And the disadvantages?
However, this decision can also bring some negative aspects. For many couples, experts say, They are worried about losing intimacy. “I think that at the level of connection with my partner, something did change,” Cecilia acknowledged. “The relationship, the intimacy, does suffer. But it’s not that serious. I think the advantages are greater,” she added.
Collier explains that for many people who work full-time, the moment they connect with their partner is precisely when they go to sleep. “Therefore, one of the solutions is optimize the time you spend together“, he pointed.
Pablo Brockmann, meanwhile, assured that the “dream divorce” is not something that works for all couples. “There are certain biological benefits of sleeping as a couple.”. For many, a connection is generated in the dream. This is primitive in the human species. A mother and her child, for example, usually generate this bond during breastfeeding and have similar sleep cycles so that they both rest,” she explained.
“There are studies that show that there are couples who have been sleeping together for years who manage to deepen the stages of sleep since they are linked. With that you improve your quality of sleep,” said the somnologist.
However, if a couple decides to try the “sleep divorce”there are some recommendations to followsay the specialists.
“This doesn’t work when one person wants it and the other doesn’t., because that can generate resentment,” said Collier, and expressed: “Some people don’t want to sleep alone and that makes them feel bad. Then they have to think about an equal agreement, a decision that both of them share.”
Brockmann agreed. “For the person who has the problem, whether it’s snoring, sleepwalking or restless legs, it can be difficult. Because there are people who don’t like it… in general, men are more reluctant to do it,” he stated.
Still, this rising trend seems to be showing that, when it comes to getting a good night’s sleep, anything goes. Now, knowing the advantages and disadvantages of “sleep divorce”, Would you dare to explore it?
*Cecilia is a fictitious name since the interviewee preferred not to reveal her identity.
By Fernanda Paul
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