2024-02-20 07:37:58
“I felt like the worst mother in the world. It’s like when you stop loving your partner. It’s hard to fix and you don’t know how to find the way back. How to create a feeling that was there and isn’t anymore? With your partner, you can afford to that you ‘don’t care’, but it doesn’t work with a child. You are his mother,” says Aneta, who works in marketing and has two children.
Even though Aneta’s son was never mean to his sister and “was wonderful,” as his mom describes, Aneta suddenly “couldn’t divide the love between the two creators.” It bothered her that she didn’t have her space with her newborn daughter, and even two years after her birth, she makes differences between them. “When I’m in the store, I have to consciously say that I’m going to buy something for him too, but my daughter automatically jumps in. It’s hard for me to say that I love him unconditionally, it’s hard for me to have physical contact with him,” she describes .
He does many of the mentioned things not because he feels them, but because he has to. “For a mother, especially as a first-born, it was quite a painful realization. I have always been jealous of my younger sibling and I would never have expected that one day the same would happen to me,” she confides. “I feel that I am not fulfilling my son’s basic need to be loved and feel safe. And I believe that somewhere in the back of his soul he feels it, knows that my feelings are different. That makes it all the more painful,” she says.
We must love children exactly the same
According to psychotherapist Jana Kilianová, who works closely with the organization Úsměv mámy, Aneta’s situation is more common than most of us think. “With such a feeling, few people can confide even to a friend or partner,” he explains. The reason is a deep shame and fear of condemnation stemming from the belief that we must love children exactly the same as parents.
“But why should we? Where does such a belief come from? And honestly, do we like all our friends in our lives equally? If not, why is it okay with friends and not with children?” asks the expert. “This is not to say that we wave our hands over our feelings and blatantly prefer one child over another. Children have sensitive radars for our emotions and perceive any injustice very strongly,” he explains. “I mean it’s a feeling like any other. It’s good to acknowledge that it exists and that it’s completely normal. Then you can explore what causes it and what triggers it in everyday situations,” he says.
Aneta was the first to confide in her friends who have more children. “Not all of them were as radical as I was, but they also felt the differences,” he says. “I guess you can never love all children equally. I can’t imagine having ten children. How much emotion would a mother have to divide it among so many siblings?” he intends and with exaggeration compares the situation to polyamorous relationships.
Mom’s smile
- The non-profit organization Úsměv mamy was founded in 2014. It supports happy motherhood and women who have experienced psychological difficulties during pregnancy or in the postpartum period.
- She is dedicated to educational activities, organizes self-help support groups in cities throughout the country, connects women with experience and tries to negotiate better systemic care.
- All the association’s activities are aimed at ensuring that mothers with psychological problems receive quick and high-quality help and that as many problems as possible are prevented.
“From my point of view, it is impossible to give 100 percent to everyone. Love must be divided among several individuals and each of them must recognize that they are not receiving the maximum feeling they deserve. Preferences definitely play a role in this, when someone is closer to us in terms of character traits.” says Aneta. “That’s why I think it’s a huge myth to say that a mother’s love is automatic and altruistic in every situation,” she adds. She herself works in the organization Úsměv mamy and adds that they often work with women who are troubled by the fact that maternal love has not “jumped” for various possible reasons.
Her son reminds her of the nature of an ex-partner
Aneta has been researching where her feelings can come from since her daughter was six months old. He believes it is a combination of several factors. “I had a nice and relatively quick birth with both children. However, my first motherhood was challenging. I was a young mother and I didn’t enjoy it. In retrospect, I found out that I went through postpartum depression, which left a lot of scars on our relationship with my son, ” describing.
He also attributes the role in the difference in feelings towards his children to the relationship with the son’s father. “On an unconscious level, I can be bothered by some commonalities,” he says. According to her, another factor is the character traits that she herself has in common with her son. “It puts a mirror up to me, so I can see in real time the qualities that bother me about myself,” she says. Last but not least, transgenerational transmission can play a role. “Over time, my mom admitted to me that she felt similar feelings. And I always perceived and felt the differences between me and my brother,” she recalls.
The reasons go back to our childhood
According to the expert, it is impossible to say which of the circumstances can have the greatest influence. “Some mothers think that their love for the child did not jump because they gave birth by caesarean section and the baby was separated in the first minutes. However, such feelings are also present in women who have experienced bonding,” she says, adding that there may be other circumstances why mom feels more affection for one child than the other, obvious.
“For example, one of the children is kinder, cuddlier, more obedient, better fulfills the parents’ idea of what he should be like. In short, his character traits suit the parents better,” he explains. However, according to the psychotherapist, the roots of such feelings often go deeper, to the childhood of the given parent.
“I have a client who for many years has been struggling with feelings of non-acceptance and anger towards her eldest, now 17-year-old son. She complained that he would not help her with anything, he still feels wronged. In therapy, we came to the realization that since childhood she was not allowed to show her anger and sadness . She thus banned her sensitivity, and manifestations of higher sensitivity irritate her, because just as she tried to suppress them in herself, she also rejects them in her son,” the expert gives a specific example.
I’m not a bad mom when it comes down to it
Kilianová first of all assures her clients that these are normal and natural feelings. “In many cases, it is not even necessary to deal with them. It often helps if the mother regularly sets aside separate time for the older sibling, when she devotes herself only to him,” advises Kilianová.
If, however, a woman hears phrases like: “You’re always just a sister, you don’t play with me at all”, “You never have time, you’re only with that stupid baby”, “You like him more than me!” from those around you or directly from children. or an older one attacks a younger sibling, according to the psychotherapist, reflection is in order.
Aneta cares about how she and her son feel, she works with the family situation like any other problem in her life. “I realize that my feelings are real. I’m looking for strategies to deal with them. I try not to show the differences and I believe that once I show love ‘practically’, my brain will go back to normal once,” she hopes.
“I know that we could spend more time alone with our son. But with a younger sibling and a busy partner, it’s not easy. For now, I have to force myself to spend time together. I also know that we have some character traits that I don’t like in my son common. That’s why we will start attending psychotherapy together in the future,” Aneta plans. “Even though I see my feelings as a failure as a mother, I tell myself that if I talk about it with those around me and try to fix it, it means that I really care about our relationship. And if I care about it, I can’t be a bad mom.”
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