2024-05-03 13:05:12
A study from January last year conducted on two thousand adults showed that almost half of those surveyed ended a relationship because of a small thing that bothered them about the other person. In English, such “irritating little things” are referred to as “ick”, and social media has been flooded with posts from users presenting such “cases” in recent years.
For example, posts mentioned that potential partners use smiley faces during an argument, like draft beer, yawn at dinner, wear brown sandals, or learn to play the accordion. English comedian and writer Grace Campbell gained popularity, among other things, thanks to a challenge in which she encouraged her fans to send her their “icks”. They mentioned, for example, the way the person eats potatoes, or the movement with which he takes a credit card out of his wallet.
Little things reveal deeper needs
However, The Independent writes about a change in perspective on the importance of such little things. “What if instead of helping our love lives, they’re actually distracting us from finding love?” asks the author of the article. The British GQ magazine, on the other hand, writes about the sexist focus of “icks”, which are aimed more at men than at women.
Relationship coach Eva Andriessenová confirms that in her practice she regularly comes across cases where her clients are bothered by their partner’s chewing, his eating habits, the way he dresses or brushes his teeth. “It is natural that we evaluate the behavior of others. We are influenced by the settings from the family we come from. It sets the standard for us, what is ‘correct’ and what correct behavior looks like,” he says.
Dealing with the little things can be helpful, she says, because it reveals our deeper needs and expectations. “However, they should not be the deciding factor in a relationship. It is important to distinguish between small things that are part of normal mutual coexistence and adaptation to the partner’s habits, and serious problems that may indicate a deeper discrepancy or even toxic behavior,” he points out.
These are not warning signs
According to her, “icks” can often be confused with so-called red flags, or warning signals that indicate a serious problem in the relationship or in the personality of one of the partners. “These are manipulative behavior, lack of respect, aggression, infidelity, excessive jealousy and other negative patterns of behavior that can lead to an unhealthy relationship,” describes Andriessenová.
According to her, common disagreements are a part of every relationship and can be about topics as diverse as housework, financial planning or ways of spending free time. “Differences in opinions or preferences are not negative in themselves. They can often be resolved through communication, agreements and mutual understanding,” says the relationship coach, adding that every relationship requires personal work and effort to understand the other party.
“While ‘red flags’ should be taken seriously and may require deeper reflection on whether a relationship is truly healthy and happy for both parties, common disagreements are a natural part of mutual growth and learning,” she says. Ultimately, he advises listening to your feelings and being honest with yourself and your partner about things that are acceptable to us and that already cross our boundaries.
“If it bothers you that your partner sips, tell them gently and respectfully. For example, say: ‘I’ve noticed that you sip a lot when you drink. I don’t mean to offend you, but it’s not very pleasant for me. Can you please be careful ‘,” advises Andriessen.
We avoid deeper problems
If various little things prevent us from establishing a deeper relationship, the expert advises us to think about whether the problem is more in our expectations or fear of closeness. “Many people unconsciously sabotage a relationship because being alone is safer for them. It’s important to know what we want in a relationship. We often slip into evaluating our partner instead of focusing on what we experience with him and how it makes us feel.” he says.
If some little things irritate us so much that we think about ending the relationship, according to Andriessen, it is important to think about why this is so. “Do we really feel this way because of a given little thing, or do our doubts have a deeper cause? What do we think about our partner based on this? How do we evaluate our relationship thanks to this thing? At such a moment, you need to focus on yourself. Then look at the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship,” advises Andriessen.
She points out that we often focus on the little things because we’re looking for perfection or trying to avoid deeper relationship issues. “We can be afraid to confront the real problems and therefore focus on less important aspects. By starting to evaluate the partner negatively, we get the inner ‘truth’ about what he is like. If we are afraid to communicate about important aspects of the relationship, by criticizing and evaluating the other person we are gaining control of the situation,” he says.
According to her, the key to distinguishing between small things and significant problems is to find out whether something is irritating us only at a given moment, or if the thing in question has a long-term effect on our value, sense of security and satisfaction in the relationship. “Communicate, express your feelings and needs. The subsequent response from your partner will show you how he perceives what is important to you,” concludes Andriessenová.
Video: Psychologist Rataj: More people in a relationship? Let’s go back to earth, it used to be called infidelity (31/05/2023)
Spotlight Aktuálně.cz – Pavel Rataj | Video: Jakub Zuzánek