2024-05-11 17:01:59
They are called helicopter parents. Parents who protect their children too much and are always trying to make their lives perfect. Now a new study shows that this is not good for anyone, it causes psychological problems for both parents and children.
We all know the differences with the past. Then as a child you were left more to your own devices. You played with other children or by yourself and you were a member of one sports club. If you got decent grades at school and had a few friends, you were pretty soon okay. How different is that now? Around you you hear from parents that they teach their children Chinese or at least English and also learn to read before they go to group 3. It seems as if parents are in a kind of rat race to make their children as perfect as can.
Pressure from the outside world
Worst of all, this is bad for parents and children. Both become unhappy from the pressure to be perfect. That seems like from a new American study among more than seven hundred parents. Almost 60 percent say they have burnout, or feel physically and emotionally drained. This stems from too high expectations of themselves and pressure from the outside world. There is not enough time for playing with children, for relationships and also for housework which lead to double complaints.
Do less
The sad thing is that doing less is the solution. The more time parents and children have to play together and the less sports clubs, music lessons or other duties children have, the better they will do. These children are less likely to have psychological problems, such as ADHD, depression, OCD or anxiety. They are also happier when their parents feel good. There is even a downward spiral: when children have mental problems, parents often report that they become withdrawn and yell at their children more. This causes more psychological complaints in children.
Principal Investigator Kate Gawlik from Ohio State College, herself a working mother of four, the illusion of perfect parenting belies the problem. Expectations are high and nothing can go wrong. “I think social media has tipped the balance. You can look at people on Instagram or you can even look at people walking around and think, how do they do that? How come they always seem to have everything in order but don’t?”
Performance culture
In reality, especially on social media, you only see a very small part of the story. Lying on the floor, screaming toddler in the supermarket is nobody’s business Instagram Story, yes that picture perfect a trip to Disneyland. The special qualities of the lineage are also widely discussed. “We have high expectations of ourselves as parents and we have high expectations of what our children should do and be able to do. You compare yourself to other families, and there’s judgment, whether it’s intended or not, it happens.”
According to Gawlik, ‘the culture of performance’ is the cause of all this misery. “When parents are tired, they experience anxiety, stress and depression, but their children become psychologically worse,” says co-researcher Bernadette Melnyk. “So it’s really important to face the truth if you get burnt out as a parent and do something about it by taking better care of yourself.”
Positive parenting
The researchers developed a very effective one Working Parent Scale. This 10-point survey allows parents to measure their burnout in real time and learn how to use proven solutions. One of those solutions is so-called positive parenting. You give your children a lot of warmth and love, but also structure and guidance. “You teach them in a friendly way the consequences of certain behaviour. It is far better to try to be a positive parent than a perfect parent.”
Gawlik gives an example: “If you always make it a priority to keep your house clean, but that doesn’t leave time for evening walks with your kids, you may need to find a way to rearrange or both.
A happy child
It’s not about raising perfect children in the perfect way, but preparing them for adulthood in a positive way. This would prevent a lot of frustration. “Parents do a great job of taking care of their children, but they rarely put themselves first. As parents we cannot do everything. If children see that their parents take good care of themselves, there is a good chance that they will learn that value as well. It affects the children and the whole family,” he concludes. “As one parent once told me, I’d rather have a happy child than a perfect child.”
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