2024-07-12 13:47:15
It is said that marriages are decided in heaven and performed on earth. Some people get their horoscopes matched for marriage, but sometimes their hearts don’t match. The reason for this could be not talking openly to each other before marriage or something that has been hidden. Then later the same hidden things, the same characteristics or the same flaws lead the marriage to the brink of breaking.
So what are the possible solutions so that people living together can understand each other properly, evaluate each other and reach the right decision, Lokesh K. Bharti is giving information on these topics by talking to the best experts of the country.
Expert told the story of Vikas and Richa
Vikas (name changed) was coming out of the court room. His lawyer was also present with him. He was discussing the divorce case with the lawyer. It had been only 6 months since their marriage. His wife Richa (name changed) had made some very serious allegations against Vikas. She said that Vikas tries to treat her like porn films. He even tries to use force on her when I repeatedly protest.
I don’t have a problem with Vikas watching porn, but I can’t tolerate him repeatedly pressuring me to make porn a reality or trying to do it. Vikas doesn’t care about what I like or what I don’t. If I don’t agree to satisfy his uncomfortable desires, he starts abusing our relationship. He even threatens to have an affair with another woman.
Once the situation was such that when I did not obey him in bed, I felt that he would beat me. He used to say that if you are my wife then who will fulfill my desires? To get out of this mental confusion, I also planned to go to a clinical psychologist. I told Vikas that you need counseling. But he was not ready to agree. He said that he is not mad to go to a counselor. Only after this I decided to take divorce.
Why did this happen to Richa?
The truth is that the two met twice before marriage. Only good things were discussed. Topics like sex and the desire to live a sexual life according to porn were not mentioned.
The case of these two is in court. It is possible that they may get a divorce or their relationship may improve during the time they get from the court.
But here are some important points to note:
-Did Vikas and Richa not talk to each other before marriage and if they did, did they not talk about sexual desire? Obviously, they did talk, but neither Vikas nor Richa discussed the importance of sex and how much it is needed in life. Anyway, sex is a taboo subject in our country. People also avoid discussing it. But in the changing environment, it should definitely be discussed. Similarly, if someone has any other problem, whether it is physical or mental, then it should definitely be told. Hiding it is not right. It can be fatal in the future.
-Vikas did not try to understand Richa’s feelings. Sex means equal participation of both. Only one’s will should not prevail. One must know how to differentiate between porn and reality.
-When Richa talked about counseling, she could have told Vikas that both of us are unhappy with this relationship. Maybe I am not able to understand you. I am going to meet the counselor first. If you want to come along, you can come. Maybe Vikas would have gone away by talking like this. Then the work of the clinical psychologist would have become easy.
Is it necessary to give in to save a relationship?
It is said that to maintain relationships, one has to bend a little. If this bending is done from both the sides, then the matter remains equal. If one of the partners bends too much, then he starts feeling small. Also, when he feels that even after bending, his value is not being understood or his words are not being understood, then he becomes sad from within or gets angry, that is, he becomes emotionally imbalanced.
The right treatment can solve your problems
The point to be noted here is that everyone feels pain. It is just like everyone’s throat gets dry when they are thirsty. But how much are we disturbed by that pain? How do we express that pain? How hyper are we in anger? Do we become violent? Do we start abusing? Do we start breaking things?
Simply put, when our emotions are not under our control, a bad situation is created in the house. There is unrest in the house. This has a bad effect on the home environment and also on children and elders. During treatment, sometimes the case emerges as a serious mental illness. Whenever such a problem arises in a family, by finding its solution in the right way, by getting the right medical treatment, most of the big problems become easy. Yes, we can call these minor challenges.
First treatment, then marriage
In our country, mental health is not discussed much. It is still not considered a health issue. But before making someone your life partner, if you understand that the person with whom you are going to spend your life has a mental problem, then first treatment is necessary and not marriage. Many times the family members get the couple married thinking that everything will be fine after marriage. This is a big mistake. One thing is certain that he/she needs treatment first.
5-7 meetings are necessary before marriage, not 1-2
If you are going to get married, do not take a decision under pressure or in a hurry. The reality is that when two strangers meet, no one tells everything about themselves nor does anyone say their negative things. The truth is that 1, 2 meetings are spent in Hi, Hello, family background and good talks only. Therefore, meetings should happen 5-7 times. Each meeting should be at least 3 to 4 hours long. Both partners should explore each other.
Since the root cause of all fights is being emotionally hurt and not understanding emotions, it is important to know every aspect of emotions. This includes the reaction of one person when the other person gets angry, whether the other person wants to end the matter in case of a fight or drags the matter to strengthen his ego.
-In some church weddings, there is also a provision for pre-marriage counseling so that the couple can understand each other.
-When it becomes difficult to understand the other person before marriage, pre-marriage counselling can be helpful.
-It is not right to hide any of your problems or illnesses before marriage because these things lead to separation.
Understand each other’s feelings
Ask yourself how do you express your negative emotions when you are sad? If the answer is yes, my anger is very dangerous. If I get angry at someone, I fight with him. I scold him very harshly. This means that that person is not emotionally stable yet.
In such a situation, the other partner should know how to manage anger, otherwise there will be a lot of conflict. Even in most serious mental illnesses, some emotion is seen to be at its peak. For example: In bipolar disorder, on one hand there is a state of overexcitement i.e. mania and on the other hand there is a state of extreme depression i.e. depression. Therefore, when preparing for marriage, definitely try to understand each other’s emotions.
It is important to pay attention to the emotion level
Many times girls like such boys who say that if you don’t meet me then I will give up my life. Some even give up. Same is the situation with boys. Here it is important to understand that when the level of emotion is so high then their expectations from each other after marriage are also very high. It has been seen many times in such couples that even talking to your colleague in the office makes the other partner suspicious.
This also becomes a reason for quarrel. By the way, doubts also arise in arranged marriages. Therefore, it is important that we first look at their emotional stability. We should also see how they react when their shortcomings are revealed to them. For this, if you want, you can say something bad about them. Tell them about their dress that you do not like it. But keep in mind that such things should not be said in the first 1-2 meetings.
Signs of being emotionally unstable or overly egoistic
-Talking rudely to people below your level
Just talk about your feelings
-Showing yourself as a victim
-Trying to get physical too early in a meeting
-Not being able to tolerate one’s own evil, getting very angry.
-How many childhood friends does he have? This will show that he believes in long-lasting relationships.
-If you are having a fight with someone, you can ask them for suggestions regarding the same.
Expert Panel
-Dr. Rajesh Sagar, Professor of Psychiatry, AIIMS
-Dr. (Prof.) Manoj K Sharma, Clinical Psychologist, NIMHANS
-Dr. Satyakant Trivedi, Senior Psychiatrist
-Dr. Rukhshida Syeda, President, Bombay Psychiatric Society
-Dr. Ragini Singh, Psychotherapist Counselor
-Geetanjali Sharma, marriage-relationship counselor
-Kamna Chhibber, Clinical Psychologist