2024-07-22 15:55:12
New Delhi : When Mumbai businessman Raman Shah, 50, mustered the courage to walk out of his marriage, he was forced to move to another country. Homosexuality was still a crime. As soon as the Supreme Court struck down Section 377, he returned to India and got a legal divorce. “I come from a very conservative family. Most in my family still don’t accept me,” Shah (name changed) said. “But at least I know I’m not a criminal and can’t be prosecuted. I can meet friends freely and be myself.”
Marriage is still considered a sacrament
In a society where marriage is still considered a sacrament, parental pressure, social norms have forced many gay individuals to opt for normal marriages. But after the 2018 Supreme Court order decriminalising homosexuality and respecting LGBTQ rights, more and more people are coming out and seeking divorce. Interestingly, sexual preference is not mentioned as a ground for divorce in any matrimonial law. This forces lawyers to be creative in describing the reasons for ending a marriage.
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A lot of people did not come out in the open until Section 377 was scrapped, so this decision is definitely a huge boost, says Mumbai-based law practitioner Devika Deshmukh-Doshi. She has represented many such cases of people over the age of forty – in most cases one person was gay and had kept it a secret. In some cases, the gay partner has decided to come out. In others, the spouse found out and pushed for a divorce.
do not wish to reveal identity
There are cases where a gay man reveals his identity but continues to stay in the marriage. That too with the understanding that the partners will lead separate lives. Some remain good friends and support each other – like a couple where the wife herself brought her introverted gay husband to the Pink Fair. It is an annual LGBTQ festival held at Shivaji Park. Interestingly, the brilliant mathematician Shakuntala Devi was married to a gay man. She wrote a book called ‘The World of Homosexuals’ in 1977. In it, she described the struggles of being gay with great compassion. She always remained friends with her husband.
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Today, things are changing, especially among young people, for whom the ‘D’ word no longer means horror. Many of my friends now choose to come out instead of marrying, says 27-year-old Mumbai doctor Pranav Patil (name changed on request), who came out after his mother flooded him with marriage proposals. Now that the shock of the law is over, people are charting a new course for their lives. People who have entered into gay marriages are also seeing others coming out about their marriages, so it’s a snowball effect.
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“Now I have told my mother that I only want an arranged marriage, but with a man,” Pranav says with a smile. (Last year, a five-judge bench of the Supreme Court unanimously ruled against legalising gay marriage, leaving it to Parliament to decide.) Some people deliberately choose a ‘lavender marriage’ – an arrangement or understanding that respects the non-sexual aspects of marriage, such as companionship, raising children or caring for the elderly. In fact, even after announcing that I am gay, I have received three serious proposals from women, says Patil.
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While the rainbow of pride has spread its positive colours across the world, the acceptance of homosexuality in India is still shaky. In small towns, families continue to hide behind the ostentatious facade of heterosexual marriage. A recent wedding was fixed between a young man and woman in Jaipur. What followed was a big Indian wedding that lasted seven days, ending in a mutual consent divorce within a year. This happened when the new bride realised that her husband had no interest in her. He disappears for long periods of time, reminiscent of the 2005 Ang Lee film ‘Brokeback Mountain’.
Divorce by mutual consent
Matrimonial lawyers say couples come to them with complicated cases. A wife may find pictures of men on her husband’s phone, or a man discovers that his wife’s ‘best friend’ is actually her gay partner. Many are still not comfortable coming out in the open to their parents or work colleagues. So they don’t want to let the matter drag on, and close the chapter by getting a divorce by mutual consent.
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In cases of mutual consent, the partners are not required to give any reasons. When divorce is contentious it becomes complicated, because the old marital laws – whether the Hindu Marriage Act or the Muslim Personal Law or the Special Marriage Act – framed in the fifties, do not mention homosexuality as a ground for divorce. This leaves family court lawyers to stick to the facts.
you must make yourself stronger
LGBTQ inclusion activist Parmesh Shahani suggests that if you are deciding to come out to your spouse and/or children and file for divorce, you should strengthen yourself. You should know that people may react in different ways. Parmesh said that it is useful to seek advice from a gay mental health expert to deal with this. You do not have to be alone in this journey.