Before going to bed, forgive me for being angry at the child.[오은영의 부모마음 아이마음]

〈211〉To parents who reflect too much

Illustration by Park Cho-hee, reporter [email protected]

The child whined and did not listen all day. When evening came, the mother, exhausted, ended up yelling at the child. She knew very well that yelling was not allowed. She also knew very well that she had to teach the child with kind words over and over again. However, in the end, she got very angry at the child and said all the things that the parenting book said not to say. When she saw the child crying and falling asleep, the mother felt very sorry. How could a mother be like this? She felt so pathetic.

Oh Eun-young, Psychiatrist, Director of Oh Eun-young Pediatrics and Adolescent Clinic

The mother came to see me. She confessed in tears that this kind of thing happened not just once or twice, but more than half a week. I told the mother, “Every day before you go to bed, forgive the child who made ‘me’ suffer all day long. And forgive ‘me’ for not handling that child well.”

I wish we could forgive ourselves instead of reflecting on our day before going to bed every night. Some people might ask, “Shouldn’t we reflect in order to become better people?” But there is no such thing as a better person. There are bad people in the world, but no ugly people. Therefore, there are no better people.

It’s good to try to be a ‘better person’, but don’t beat yourself up for trying to be a ‘better person’. It’s good to do some reflection, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Too often, we are too hard on ourselves because of standards that others have set for us that we don’t need.

It is more important to become a ‘person who knows me’ than to become a ‘better person’. This is because you have to know yourself to be able to handle yourself. Life is a process of continuously learning about yourself. The more you know about yourself, the better you will be able to handle yourself. When you handle yourself well, your mind will not be easily shaken. You will be a little less likely to be disappointed in yourself.

The same goes for the mother who yells at the child mentioned earlier. Rather than trying to follow the rule that “you shouldn’t yell at your child,” it is important to realize, “Oh, I yell at my child with this kind of attitude when I feel this way.” That way, you can reduce the behavior of yelling at your child.

In order to know ‘me’ in this way, you must find peace of mind. In order to find peace of mind, you must not hate ‘me’ and scold ‘me’. You must acknowledge ‘me’ and forgive ‘me’.

Someone said something harsh to you. You were so angry. When something like this happens, it is hard to forgive that person for a while. You should forgive yourself for being angry at that time. Someone made an unreasonable demand. You wanted to argue with them but couldn’t say anything. You should forgive yourself for being so intimidated. You should forgive yourself for being easily frustrated and giving up. You should forgive yourself for being a child you loved with your life but hated at the moment and saying, “Ugh!” You should forgive yourself for being emotional because of a car that suddenly cut in. At the end of the day, I want you to say, “A lot of things happened today. Let’s just forgive myself today.” And I want you to try to sincerely forgive yourself. This is the ultimate way to find peace of mind.

As we live in this world, there are small things and unexpected people that cause us more pain than we think. In such situations, our emotions become sharp and we often end up scratching ourselves. Forgiveness is the process of finding emotional stability and looking at ourselves in such situations.

It is not about saying, “Everything is okay, everything is okay” after doing something wrong. It is about looking back on your many weaknesses and pettiness, your anger over trivial things, your hatred for others, etc., and not trying to get rid of those feelings, but calming yourself down so that you have a sense of stability despite those feelings. It is about not letting those feelings shake the pillars of the house in your heart. That is why we must forgive ourselves.

In order to live well tomorrow, I must forgive myself before today ends. Forgiveness is to extinguish the spark in my heart. I hope that the spark that was created today will be extinguished today. If I do not extinguish that small spark, it will eventually become a flame and burn down the house in my heart. It will burn down the house in my heart and even turn the things I hold dear to ashes.

Oh Eun-young, Psychiatrist, Director of Oh Eun-young Pediatrics and Adolescent Clinic

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2024-09-22 18:57:39