The societal image of “broodiness”—that visceral, aching desire to conceive and raise a child—has long been coded as a predominantly female experience. But, a recent production of Sideways on BBC Radio 4 seeks to dismantle this stereotype, arguing that men experience this longing with equal intensity, though often in a silence imposed by rigid gender norms.
Narrated by Matthew Syed, the episode explores the psychological and biological dimensions of male broodiness through the lens of Simon Burrell, a single gay man who became a father in his early 50s. By weaving together personal testimony with insights from evolutionary anthropology and psychology, the program attempts to validate a form of paternal longing that is frequently overlooked or dismissed in public discourse.
The narrative centers on the intersection of identity, age, and the desire for legacy. For Burrell, the path to parenthood was not a linear journey but one delayed by decades of systemic prejudice. Growing up in the homophobic cultural climate of the 1990s and 2000s, he faced a media landscape that often framed gay men as unsuitable or dangerous influences for children. This external pressure forced him to suppress his desire for fatherhood, leading to a prolonged period of emotional void that he only began to address in his fifth decade.
The Emotional Cost of Suppressed Fatherhood
The program highlights a critical gap in how men are permitted to process childlessness. Whereas women’s struggles with infertility or the desire for children are widely discussed, men’s experiences are often relegated to the periphery. Dr. Robin Hadley, an expert in men’s childlessness, suggests that this lack of social permission can lead to profound emotional distress. In one candid reflection, Dr. Hadley describes experiencing such intense broodiness that it manifested as debilitating jealousy toward a colleague who had become a father, eventually leading him to sever the relationship entirely.
This emotional volatility underscores a broader theme: the inability of many men to articulate their needs for nurturing and connection without feeling they are violating masculine norms. Dr. Anna Machin, an evolutionary anthropologist, notes that first-time fathers often experience levels of anxiety and nervousness comparable to those of first-time mothers—a reality rarely acknowledged in the traditional narratives surrounding pregnancy and birth.
The psychological impact of this “tamping down” of emotion is significant. For men like Burrell, the desire for a child is not merely about biological continuation but about finding fundamental meaning and purpose in life. The program suggests that by acknowledging these feelings, society can foster more honest conversations between men regarding fatherhood and the grief associated with childlessness.
The Legal and Ethical Complexities of Surrogacy
Because commercial surrogacy is illegal in the United Kingdom, Burrell was forced to navigate the expensive and complex legal landscape of California to realize his dream of fatherhood. This transition highlights the stark divide between the desire for a child and the legal mechanisms available to achieve it, particularly for single fathers.
However, the program’s treatment of this process has drawn criticism for its brevity. By focusing almost exclusively on the father’s journey, the role of the surrogate becomes nearly invisible. This omission risks dehumanizing the surrogate, framing her less as a partner in a complex human process and more as a biological instrument. The lack of detail regarding the surrogate’s identity and experience creates a narrative gap where the financial transaction overshadows the human labor involved in gestation.
Challenges for Non-Traditional Fathers
- Legal Hurdles: Navigating the transference of legal parenthood, especially for single fathers.
- Age-Related Risks: Addressing the biological and cultural implications of becoming a father in one’s 50s.
- Social Stigma: Overcoming legacy narratives that question the suitability of LGBTQ+ parents.
The Debate Over ‘Natural’ Parenthood
A central point of contention within the episode is the recurring emphasis on “natural” fatherhood. The narrative leans heavily on biological connection, with Burrell’s journey focusing on a genetic link rather than alternatives such as adoption or fostering. This focus raises a critical question: is the “meaning” of fatherhood dependent on biology, or is it found in the act of nurturing regardless of genetic ties?
This tension extends to the evolutionary arguments presented by Dr. Machin. She posits that humans are among the small percentage of mammals—roughly five percent—where fathers are actively involved in raising offspring due to the extreme dependency of human infants. While this supports the idea that men are biologically and psychologically primed for parenting, the framing remains largely centered on cisgender, heterosexual dynamics. The program misses an opportunity to expand this definition of “natural” to include trans men who deliver birth or same-sex couples, whose parenting roles are equally rooted in the human drive to nurture.
the introduction of the term “baby lust” to describe an overwhelming desire for a child has proven polarizing. While intended to capture the intensity of the feeling, the term contrasts sharply with the more widely accepted “broody,” shifting the conversation from an emotional longing to a more visceral, almost clinical urge.
the story of Simon Burrell and his five-year-old son serves as a testament to the persistence of the paternal instinct. While the program occasionally falters by adhering to traditional frameworks of family, its core premise—that men experience a profound, independent longing to nurture—challenges the gendered boundaries of emotional health.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes and does not constitute legal or medical advice regarding surrogacy or reproductive health.
As cultural understandings of family continue to evolve, the next major checkpoint for these discussions will likely be the ongoing legislative reviews of surrogacy laws in the UK, which aim to address the legal vulnerabilities of surrogates and intended parents. We invite you to share your thoughts on the evolving definition of fatherhood in the comments below.
