‘Das war einmal,’ my best friend and I regularly say to each other when we talk about things that are no longer possible at our age. The short skirts, effortless sports, dancing late into the night, scoring at work, the smooth young legs, the attention of the men.
We always discuss it with a lot of self-mockery, but sometimes it really makes us a little melancholy
We always discuss it with a lot of self-mockery, but sometimes it really makes us a bit melancholy. As if all the good things are behind us. A thought that completely matches the image that so many people have of aging. Life is often seen as a mountain. As children and young adults, we learn new things, make rapid careers and giant leaps in self-development, and our bodies are strong and beautiful.
Around our forties we reach the peak of the mountain and then the road down begins. We develop physical defects, memory diminishes, skin becomes flabby and wrinkled and we are sometimes pushed to a second level in our work. In other words: the first half of life is the good part, in which everything blossoms, in the second half we wither.
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That this view of life is not only very limited, but also stands in the way of happy and healthy aging, as researcher and trainer in the field of positive psychology Ellen Heuven shows in her book Positive Parent. In it she describes the life course of twenty inspiring women over fifty and discusses the latest research results in the field of positive ageing.
Why are the beliefs we hold about aging so important?
‘Because they have a huge influence on our daily behaviour. If you’re wondering if you can start a business at fifty-five or think you’re too old to find a new job, that’s where you live. A negative view of our second half of life, as many people have, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because it feels illogical to try to grow with perseverance and commitment. And that affects your mental and physical health.
But the fact that new connections can be made in the brain well into old age, and the density of the neural networks is highest between our sixtieth and eightieth year of life, means that the line in terms of development, growth and possibilities is not going down. but right up.
‘When you are older, you are able to appreciate situations from multiple perspectives’
We are also growing emotionally. Young people often experience emotions as one-dimensional, they are either angry or happy or have a different emotion. As you grow older, you are able to appreciate and view situations from multiple perspectives. You can be angry, but also feel compassion at the same time. Yes, we are becoming less physically strong and yes, our skin shows wrinkles, but with that we can grow and become happier. Our attitudes, ideas and beliefs are just as important to our health as our diet and doctors. It really makes sense to change your mind.’
How can you learn to look at aging positively?
First, check with yourself what beliefs you have about aging. Just that awareness alone does a lot. Do you see old people as incompetent and dependent? Do you say things like ‘I’m too old for that’ or ‘Is that still possible at my age?’ By teaching yourself to talk about it differently, you will automatically think about it more positively. It also helps to look for positive role models. Women who are the same age or older than you and who you love. That’s how fun or successful getting older can be. It is not always easy because society often shows young people as role models. I believe that we ourselves can also contribute to a different image.
‘I have become convinced that we can grow into old age’
By clearly showing that women of our age occupy an important place in society. Another tip is to gain knowledge about aging. Then you realize that getting older is not a bad thing. By writing this book, I found that out myself. It’s like Marie Curie said, “If you have knowledge about something, don’t be afraid of it.” I have become convinced that we can grow into old age, both cognitively, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. You don’t have to give anything up at all.’
WORK
‘If you think that as a person over fifty it is difficult to set up your own company, then you are wrong. After five years, 70 percent of companies of over-50s still exist, compared to only 28 percent of those of younger entrepreneurs. Research shows that older people are better able to start and run a business than younger people. They are more successful and their businesses last longer than the start-ups of younger people. There is still so much to develop, for example for our own age group. The group that can still do everything and has so many opportunities, but is a bit of a forgotten target group.’
APPEARANCE/BODY
‘There is a lot of pressure from society on appearance. We are youth oriented, or think you have to be young to be sexually attractive. Get rid of that and set yourself a realistic goal. For example: I want to look beautiful and good in my age range, but not younger. You can influence the way you age with your lifestyle and behavior. Another aspect is that you accept that you cannot completely counteract aging. We as women can very well see and recognize the Beauty of other older women. Why not be such a beautiful older woman yourself?’
SIX
“There is a widespread idea that women’s sex lives are eroding after menopause. Some women experience it that way, but other scenarios are also possible, in which sexuality takes on a revival or new dimension. In any case, it is important to talk to a doctor if you have complaints. Pay close attention to it and don’t resign yourself to it. Unfortunately, medical help is mainly aimed at men, while a lot is also possible for women. Make it work. Also important is to trust that you are sexually attractive. Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel says: ‘If you don’t focus on youth, but instead start with the confidence, experience and privilege that age brings – fully understand that you can finally do what you want, realize that you have fulfilled your roles – then I believe that sexuality often improves with age. The key is the switch from focus on performance to focus on experience, from result-oriented to fun and connection.’
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
“The ultimate stage in human development is self-transcendence: the opposite of being egocentric. Instead of focusing on one’s own happiness and material success, self-transcendence is about caring for others, the planet, the climate, society. The interesting thing is that self-transcendence grows as we get older. By looking at how you can contribute to a better world or what you can do for others, you can grow very much as a person. It contributes enormously to our happiness in life.’
Pro-age expert Wies Verbeek writes in Nouveau and on her own site BLOW about A Little Fun Growing Up.
This article previously appeared in the print edition of Nouveau.
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