“Don’t be alarmed, the baby is blue and we don’t know if she will survive.” That was the first thing Linsey (31) heard after the birth of her daughter. It weighed only 780 grams. Luckily she survived. But Linsey would have 3 more premature births…
Linsey: “After everything they’ve been through, the kids are doing well. I’m slowly getting better. I’m not afraid of losing the kids anymore. At least, no more than any other mother. But as soon as they get sick, I get déjà vu and I keep going out of bed at night to make sure they don’t have febrile seizures – which is common in premature babies. I prefer not to have anyone near the children. I still have the urge to make amends with them.”
Linsey was seventeen when she became pregnant with Mirella. unplanned. “We had only been together for three months, but the child was allowed to come. The pregnancy went well for 26 weeks, then a CTG showed that there was less life in my belly. The midwife did an ultrasound and another two days later. Then she referred me to the gynecologist. In the hospital my blood pressure was so high – later I learned that I had HELLP syndrome – that they decided to induce labor the next day.
Finally Mirella was born a week later, at 27 weeks, through the natural route. For the last hour, things almost went wrong: her heart rate dropped. And I heard someone say, ‘Don’t be alarmed, the baby is blue and we don’t know if she’ll survive.’ I had hardly slept that week, a lot passed me by. But I still remember those words.”
The first bottle: 3 cc
Mirella weighed 780 grams. “I only saw her after a few hours in the incubator, with all kinds of tubes and monitors and with a breathing tube in her mouth. Later she also received a blood transfusion because she kept seeing yellow. But she developed well in the incubator. After ten days she got her first bottle: three cc. After four and a half weeks she moved to a heat bed. She was allowed to go home at three and a half months, weighing 2405 grams.
I was still young, I think that saved me. I had become a mother and worried, but I had no real fears yet. The blow came when Mirella developed a fever for the first time after a few months at home and turned out to have the RS virus. She was immediately hospitalized. It was only during that period that it suddenly started to gnaw at me: what had happened during and after my pregnancy?
I got huge fears, I didn’t even dare go outside anymore. It got so bad that someone had to be with me 24 hours a day and I was given medication for anxiety and panic disorders. In retrospect, I think it was postpartum depression.”
Anxiety and Stress
The drugs kicked in and after a while Linsey and her husband wanted a second child. “I thought: not another premature baby. We discussed it with the gynecologist, who would accompany me throughout the pregnancy. I got pregnant quickly. After eight weeks I was off the meds, by three months I was on other meds to control my blood pressure. I felt great.
Until the 27th week and I got scared: at 27 weeks Mirella was born. The gynecologist said: ‘We’ll take you in, otherwise the baby will be because of the stress.’ I went on the monitor, but was allowed to go home two days later.
I was still having contractions at 30 weeks. It was as if I ended up in a movie, I went into a daze. The contractions I was given in the hospital no longer helped: Elvin pushed the umbilical cord out and they couldn’t hear his heartbeat. Within five minutes I was in the OR for an emergency cesarean section. Elvin weighed 1635 grams and had to be resuscitated. I didn’t hear him cry, didn’t know what was going on. I yelled, “Is he still alive?”
Although Elvin had been without oxygen for nearly four minutes, he made progress by leaps and bounds. First in the incubator, later in a heat bed. He was allowed to go home with five and a half weeks and 2330 grams. “At home I noticed that something was not right. Elvin screamed all together as I picked him up. It wasn’t until months later that I noticed that he just doesn’t like to be touched – he was later found to have Asperger’s syndrome, ADD and ADHD, things he would have had with a full-term pregnancy.
A few weeks after giving birth, I had those fears again. And now I also felt guilty: that I hadn’t been able to carry through a pregnancy twice, that I had now also had a Caesarean section, and I couldn’t bond with Elvin because I couldn’t just touch him. It felt like failure. I ended up having postpartum depression. I had to talk to a psychologist and was given medication again. That helped. It was only after a year that I could enjoy both my children.”
Angry at my body
Linsey enjoyed motherhood, but a third child? No. The fear prevailed. Until she was five. “Then it started to itch again. After several tests, the chance of another premature birth turned out to be small: I was just perfectly healthy. So we went for it.”
After an ectopic pregnancy – according to the gynecologist just bad luck – Linsey became pregnant again. “It went well until 20 weeks, but after that I had contractions every few weeks, I was always hospitalized and I also got contraction inhibitors again. I was angry with everything and everyone, but especially with my body that let me down when it had to perform properly.
At 24 weeks they also gave medication for lung maturation, when I was already two centimeters dilated. At 30 weeks I was dilated by one centimeter. At 33 weeks the contractions started again and I was no longer on contraction inhibitors, but I also had no further dilation. After three days they asked, “Are we going to break your waters or let you muddle on?” I replied: ‘Break my waters, I’m tired, I can’t make this anymore.’ In the end, the waters ruptured spontaneously, but Kenan was found to be in a breech position and he was also born with an emergency cesarean section.”
Mixed feelings
Kenan weighed 2380 grams and also had to go into the incubator. “It is now a standard ritual for me. Of course I thought: as long as it goes well. But he was already a real baby, had a bit more bacon than Mirella and Elvin.” In total, Kenan was in the hospital for four and a half weeks.
Linsey herself was given antidepressants again less than 24 hours after giving birth, as a precaution. “It felt so double: on the one hand I felt guilty, because I had thought: let nature lend a hand. I should have done everything I could to keep the baby inside. On the other hand, for the first time I felt a bit like a midwife. When the eldest two got out of the hospital, I was physically recovered. Kenan was walking well, but it was still difficult for me to get in and out of bed. Then when he needed his bottle at night, I stumbled through the house with him on my arm. That was new to me, I had longed for this with the other children.”
Crying at the gynecologist
Meanwhile, more and more cracks appeared in Linsey’s marriage. “We didn’t talk about what had happened to the children: they were doing well, weren’t they? So we lost each other more and more. A year after Kenan’s birth, we were practically divorced. Yet one day I was pregnant with our fourth child. I had had stomach flu and turned out not to be well protected against pregnancy. We considered abortion, but I couldn’t. My husband had mixed feelings, but I closed myself to it. I couldn’t bear his worries.
I sat crying at the gynecologist. He said that he would keep a close eye on me until the maternity period. That gave me hope for a happy pregnancy. From the beginning I had to be on medication for my blood pressure. I had a perfect pregnancy until 34 weeks. Then I got contractions. In the hospital, lung maturation medication was immediately given. After 16 hours, the scar tore off my uterus. Again I was rushed to the OR.”
Dani weighed 2385 grams. “It turned out he had a brain haemorrhage. I was so scared, I thought: the baby I’ve carried the longest won’t survive! An hour and a half after his birth, he was rushed to a teaching hospital. Fortunately, the brain haemorrhage there turned out to be minimal and Dani was stable after 48 hours.”
After a week in the incubator, Dani was transferred to a regional hospital. “He had to rest, strengthen and grow. I myself had resigned from the hospital two days after giving birth: I wanted so badly to be with my other children. But at home I had bleeding after bleeding. I was admitted to the mama hotel of the hospital where Dani was staying. I had my own room and Dani’s incubator, later his heating bed, was next to me. I was allowed to take care of him myself – I had never had such a maternity period! Four weeks after the birth, Dani weighed 2500 grams, he was allowed to go home.”
to make something good
“A year after Dani was born, my husband and I broke up after all. It just didn’t work anymore. I was an emotional wreck from the last delivery and its aftermath, but I persevered through the divorce. I chose for myself. And I also thought that the children deserved a happy mother.
After this delivery, I didn’t want any antidepressants. My fears were less because of it, but my feelings also seemed to be turned off. I thought I should be able to do it myself. And I don’t know how it’s possible – maybe because I had to, now that I’m on my own – but I’m rid of all the fears and panic disorders.
The children have nothing left over from their premature birth. Mirella is thirteen, is in senior general secondary education and is a sweet, spirited teenager with a passion for horses. Ten-year-old Elvin is in special education and is doing well: he is super sweet, sensitive and looks happy. Kenan is four, very enterprising and the vice itself, but also very sweet. And Dani… he’s a real good guy. And we call him Einstein, because he talks like a wonderfully wise child.
That whole period of pregnancies, deliveries and the time after was quite a rollercoaster: the fears, tensions and stress I had 24/7, the physical pain… But all those tears are now slowly starting to heal. I just feel guilty. I wanted a good start for all the children and I was unable to give them that. I know there’s nothing I can do about that, but I’m responsible for them. My love for them is unconditional, yet I still feel the urge to make amends with them.”
Text: Hilli for the Day
Photo: Ruud Hoornstra
Make-up: Lisette Verhoofstad
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