Dr. Hall is a professor of communication studies and director of the Relationship and Technology Lab at Rennes University in Lawrence, Kansas.
It will come as no surprise to hear that many of us are spending less time with other people. We can probably think of some obvious reasons why we remain disconnected – forces like social networks or pandemic restrictions. But while these have played a role, something much bigger has been going on: all over the world and for decades, people have been embracing their inner lives and interacting less with others, and they’re doing it by choice.
I analyzed time diary data from three countries and found that the amount of time people spend talking to others—both inside and outside the home—has been declining for nearly 30 years. Phone and video calls did not make up for this loss. In fact, we are getting further and further apart. Not only do we not think about the price it takes from us more widely – we probably even think it’s a good thing at all.
competing forces
Maybe it sounds strange that people choose to stay away from each other. After all, didn’t we evolve to be social? The ancient humans had to be accepted into a group and included in it in order to survive and reproduce. Therefore, we have developed mechanisms that make this possible.
But there is also another way of looking at it, and seeing that this social characteristic is only part of the equation. To put it briefly: people are exhausting. Humans have a natural desire to conserve our energy in social interactions, and interacting with others takes work. It is tiring to act in a certain way for the benefit of others. Sometimes people have opinions that we don’t like or they talk about uninteresting things. When given the option, people often just prefer not to deal with it all.
At the same time, introversion seems to be on the rise. On International Introvert Day, we learn how to celebrate the introverted side of our lives and nurture our introverted selves. Self-care regimens focus on developing a conscious life focused on the inner world. There are increasing efforts to exclude other people in the name of ending toxic relationships. All these tendencies are promoted by frictionless technologies that get rid of social obligations to leave the house, talk to others and be involved in the community.
Both of these forces – introverted and social – have always had those who championed them. 200 years ago, for example, a monastic life was praised as a life of purity. At the time, cultivating an inner life was a necessary counterweight to the lack of physical space and privacy. The internment was considered necessary in order to make the society tolerable.
Today’s shift towards introversion has very different consequences than in the past. The removal of the routine obligations of social life empties each and every one of us of presence, discourse practices and the effort to relate to others.
what is being lost
What might we lose in this climate of introversion? I have already written how personal and work routines make conversations and friendships possible. Many companies also warn of the loss of innovation and creativity without the trust created in face-to-face interactions.
There are even benefits to just being around other people. Classic studies on the power of proximity show how simply living near other people increases the chance of friendships. Such familiarity decreases people’s perception of risk and increases our efforts for interactions that involve more attention and responsiveness to others.
A common space, especially when it is completed by a common task, requires a conversation. Simple, everyday conversations between people are more valuable than they seem on the surface. Exciting new research shows that talking to interlocutors who respond to us softens perspectives, reduces our need to be right, and helps us become less self-centered.
When there are fewer people around us and fewer opportunities for conversation, we may become less willing to see the other person’s point of view. Sarah Konreth, of the Lilly School of Philanthropy at Indiana University, has found a distinct decline in empathy since 2000. She believes it goes hand in hand with an increase in introversion in young adults, which manifests as increased self-focus and decreased concern for others.
A societal shift toward introversion may also justify devoting less effort to caring for each other. Think about the conversation around removing people from our lives in the name of the goal of reducing toxicity. It’s a way of thinking that implies that other people are the barrier to self-preservation and happiness. According to this, it makes sense that people would seek solace in themselves when they feel disconnected. But such behavior is self-defeating and only exacerbates the discomfort that is at the root of the isolation.
less friends
It also makes sense that a loss of social time probably reduced the number of meaningful friends or relationships that people cultivate. The countries where there was a decrease in socializing time are also the ones where people reported having fewer friends overall. The two trends are intuitively related. If we need time to make friends and enjoy company, then a decrease in our social time means less time to share it. In the end, the time you give me is time I got. Neither of us benefit from having no time together at all.
None of this is to say that we should abandon our alone time, self-cultivation, mindfulness practices, or self-examination. These can all be good things. But it is a question of balance, and I fear that balance has been struck – and as a result, we all suffer.
What can any of us do? As social norms move away from society and towards internalization, it puts more responsibility on the individual to do something about it. We must respond with intention and purpose. In my research, I found that people who build social routines that balance personal choice and familiarity have an easier time maintaining relationships and social health. Routines are decencies where friendships grow.
We all need a social regimen to exercise our degenerate muscles, even if it involves some degree of temporary discomfort and even if it means meeting people who hold opinions that we don’t agree with or don’t find interesting.
This is not unlike building good nutritional habits in an environment of unhealthy food, or cultivating healthy exercise habits within a sedentary lifestyle. A social regime fosters our social health in the short term and improves our life satisfaction, health and longevity in the long term.
It seems to be worth a certain amount of discomfort.