I’ve never had the opportunity to do something that is almost a rite of passage among British teenagers: put a condom on a banana during a sex education class.
It wasn’t until I was 27 that I was finally able to do it, but in a very different capacity. I wasn’t learning how to put on a condom, but studying how I would teach someone else how to put one on.
About 15 newly trained sex educators and I sat in front of our computers, condoms and bananas in hand.
“We often use flavored condoms,” our teacher explained via Zoom, “because the smell is a bit more appealing than regular condoms.”
He took a moment to look at the participants’ expressions and obviously found that some of them were less patient than he expected. “It’s really important that you don’t look or feel squeamish when you do this,” she said. “This is not how you want young people to feel…”
We recommend
A difficult step for parents
Many parents may feel a similar feeling when they try to talk to their children about physical intimacyalthough attitudes towards sex education can vary widely between countries and families, research shows.
Precisely, a study carried out in the United Kingdom found that, for example, parents often they felt ashamed and feared not having the skills or knowledge to talk to their children.
However, that same review also found that in places like the Netherlands and Sweden, parents talked openly with their children about sex from an early age, and that possibly as a result, teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases were much less common than in England and Wales.
Parents who are uncomfortable talking about sex can find themselves in a difficult situation. Many would like their children to know that they can come to them with questions and problems, especially in the digital age where children are encountering graphic content online at an ever younger age.
Eva Goldfarba professor of public health at Montclair State University, is the co-author of a systematic literature review of the last 30 years of comprehensive sexuality education.
While the review focuses on schools, Goldfarb says her research also contains important lessons for parents.
A basic idea is that sex education has a long-term positive impact, such as helping young people form healthy relationships. His advice to parents is not to skip or delay these conversations.
“It starts sooner than you think,” she says. “Even with very young children you can talk about the names of body parts and functions, the integrity and control of the body.”
This includes talking about topics that parents may not even consider to be related to sex, but have to do with relationships more broadly: “Nobody gets what they want all the time, it’s important to treat everyone with kindness and respect ”.
Step by Step
Parents who are unsure of when and how to start these conversations may find it helpful to seek out materials from schools.
In a 2016 UK study, parents who were shown the books used for their children’s sex education classes felt they understood the topic better, and also reported that it made them feel more confident talking with their children about sex.
Goldfarb says it can also be helpful for parents to meet with sex education teachers and get feedback on what their children will be learning at the beginning of the school year.
The international guidelines for sexuality education, as a comprehensive evidence-based guide published by the Unescothey can also be a good starting point for parents looking for age-appropriate advice for their children.
The UNESCO document uses basic and clear ideas about bodies and healthy relationships organized in blocks, instead of conveying everything in a “big conversation”.
For a child between the ages of 5 and 8, for example, a key idea is that “everyone has the right to decide who can touch their body, where and how”.
For teens, conversations can include discussions of emotional health, such as what it means to take responsibility for oneself and others, or ways to counter peer pressure, as well as providing specific information about condoms and other contraceptives, according to the guide.
A factor that is little taught
One factor has been found to be surprisingly powerful in sex education, but remains relatively underutilized: pleasure.
A new systematic review of health interventions that incorporate pleasure found that explaining enjoyment around sex can encourage safer habits. It was found that programs that taught people how to achieve sexual pleasure improved condom use more so than those who focused on the dangers of unprotected sex.
“It’s also worth talking about the positives beyond protection, like how using a condom can be fun and can help you connect with a partner,” he says. Mirela Zanevaone of the study’s authors and a doctoral candidate in experimental psychology at the University of Oxford.
Zaneva found that pleasure tends not to be mentioned much, if at all, in sex education.
This means that if your child doesn’t hear about pleasure from you, chances are he won’t hear it at school either. “Many young people are likely missing out on positive and empowering conversations about sex in their current sex education at school,” she says.
She points out that the Pleasure Project, a public health initiative related to the research she conducted, offers a variety of practical tips on how to incorporate pleasure into conversations with young people about sex.
“So far, the evidence is that talking about pleasure can help young people practice safer sex, have more knowledge and positive attitudes about sex, as well as have more confidence and self-efficacy.”
Find reliable sources
Parents are often the main source of sex education for young children, but teens tend to turn to many sources for information, such as their peers, teachers, and popular culture.
And parents may not be the only ones feeling apprehensive.
Research in Ireland found that while in the past, parents’ ignorance and embarrassment were the main obstacles to opening conversations about sex, today are the young who tend to block these conversations by claiming that they already know the facts.
That doesn’t mean parents should avoid the subject, but it does show how important it is to frame conversations in a way that makes everyone feel comfortable.
“Let your child know ahead of time when you want to talk about something sensitive, potentially embarrassing, or difficult to talk about. They don’t feel ambushed this way, and they’re more likely to be prepared and talk to you,” says Goldfarb.
Overcoming that apprehension can even become a liberating experience. After all, healthy sex and relationships, or as Finnish researchers call it, “body emotions,” are important at any stage of adult life.
Young people are at the beginning of that journey and have the opportunity to define values, habits and priorities that can benefit them throughout life, not only in intimate situations, but as part of moving through the world in a safe and considerate way.
You may find that it is life affirming, and not remotely uncomfortable, to be a part of that journey.
*Sophia Smith Galer I wroteor this note. She is the author of Losing It: Sex Education for the 21st Century, published by Harper Collins. If you want to read the original article Click here.
Remember that you can receive notifications from BBC World. Download the new version of our app and activate it so you don’t miss out on our best content.