You ask, our man for love answers. Today: How open should you be when dealing with criticism in a relationship?
Many couples want to learn to dance together, but this often leads to arguments.imago
Andreas, 42: My wife’s job involves public speaking. Sometimes I’m invited and I find them a bit awkward on stage. When she asks me how she was, should I tell the truth or motivate her?
Dear Andreas, my wife and I attended a standard latin dance class many years ago. There were about twelve couples, all beginners and rather moderately talented. Each of these couples left the dance class at least once hissing softly or arguing loudly, very at odds about what they were dancing together. My wife and I too, of course. It also seemed to me that it was far easier to dance with the other ladies. They were simply smoother and took my leadership impulses much more naturally. At least I thought so. Maybe I was just more relaxed and self-confident and could therefore lead better. My wife felt the same way; the other men were more tactful and simply gave clearer signals. Maybe she was a bit more relaxed and self-confident and could be guided better. Who knows?
Are you embarrassed by your wife’s mistakes?
This puts us right in the middle of the relationship jungle. When it gets close, different rules apply. As natural and beautiful as our wives taste our food in the restaurant (“I have to see if yours might have been a better choice?”), we come dangerously close to each other with small statements about the other. In “You have a stain on your pants” we can already find all our doubts about being really wanted – if we aim for it. We are the close and important number one. And that’s how it should be, otherwise it wouldn’t be a love affair. In everything our partner says, we not only hear the factual content (stain), but always also whether we are both happy at the moment.
A stain is just a small thing. Telling your wife that she’s a bit awkward on stage can be a bigger challenge. Depending on how you say it, it can be a big help or come off as harsh criticism. I encourage you to be clear about your own feelings about this. Are you saying it from a pure heart because you want to support your wife? As a partner, is it uncomfortable for you that your wife is not so good at something? Are you worried that your wife misunderstands you? It’s usually a mix of everything. Try it. This will bring you a little closer.