Danielle Muit had high peaks and very deep troughs for years. She bounced from one concert to another during a mania, only to have to live in the dark for weeks afterwards. Misdiagnoses made her feel like it was her own fault. She now knows she has bipolar disorder and it is her mission to offer perspective to others.
“For the first time in my life I am stable.” With these words Danielle begins her story. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder five years ago. She spent five years trying to find the right medication and dosage to become stable.
By stable she means peace and space in her head. ”For the first time I experience what it is like to function as others. Of course everyone has good and bad days. But at some point I couldn’t function anymore; the moods were everything.
Manic
“When I was in a manic period, I was hyper. My head and thoughts were working overtime. I didn’t need sleep. During mania, I was like that Duracell bunny from that commercial that just keeps bouncing. It felt like I was the whole world was able to handle and was looking for incentives 24/7 Just like a drug addict does everything to score drugs, I did everything to experience extra incentives.
I was buzzing with energy during weeks of manias. I totally lost reality in such a period. For example, I sent messages to famous Dutch people with all kinds of ideas about what I could offer them as a copywriter. Or I thought I wanted to go to New York the next day. Not thinking about the finances or what that meant for my family. At one point it felt like I was going crazy. Songs, conversations and ideas kept popping up in my head. Sleeping was no longer possible. I committed looting on my body.
If my family wanted to slow me down in everything I did, it backfired. I could react angrily to a question. I had no control over myself and went completely my own way due to the strong mood. Outings with friends had to get crazier. When a stimulus was satisfied, I needed another bigger stimulus to hold on to that manic feeling.
My look was different when I was manic. That’s what I see when I look at photos from a manic period. My husband and parents were the first to see the start of a mania. Time and again I denied that it was mania. That’s the worst thing about mania. I even fooled myself by saying I was just excited. I was also good at manipulating. For example, I only told my parents that I was going out for dinner and I told friends that I was going to a concert. Every night I went with a different girlfriend. This way I made sure that it wouldn’t be noticed, that I had free rein. I also stopped posting everything on social media to avoid comment.”
I sent messages to famous Dutch people
After every mania came the depression. That’s the ripple of moods that’s typical of bipolar disorder. “The higher the peak, the deeper the valley. The depression always lasted longer than the mania.
I couldn’t function at all during depression. I couldn’t run errands or do any household chores and I couldn’t take care of my children. Also not working. Nothing at all. Not even nice or nice things.
My husband and parents had to step in to keep our family going. Every morning I felt that dark deep black feeling again. Alone in my bed and deep under the covers I felt safe. Depression feels so lonely and is so elusive. I did not feel the love of my children and husband. Retroactively, that makes me very sad. My whole feeling was dead during depression.
For over thirty years I was manic-depressive. That’s how I knew: you always come out again. Even from the deepest depression. That was my only grip. I’m a believer, but at times like that, faith didn’t do anything for me.
Retroactively I can be very sad about that
Only when I was able to pick myself up again, certain songs or lyrics could help me. It gave me a warm feeling that I had my faith. But only when the deepest valley was gone. Maybe I subconsciously felt my faith because I never really took the step to take my own life.”
Danielle kept going like this for years. As an adolescent, Danielle experienced small undulations, but the peaks and troughs got bigger and bigger over the years. “My father always said, ‘With Danielle, it’s run or stand still. Black or white. Gray doesn’t know Danielle.’ In retrospect, he hit the nail on the head. Every time I went to the doctor I was told something different. I suffered from an autumn dip, I had a burnout or I was told that I couldn’t keep up. I just had to learn to stay within my limits.
That made it feel like those depressions were my own fault. So when I was depressed again, I stopped ringing the bell. I would feel even more of a failure.”
Manic depressed
“The worst moment was after I took my daughter to dance. I was driving around the bend along a canal. And I thought: I accelerate and drive into the water. Then my head is finally calm; I thought I was crazy Fortunately, I didn’t. I told my husband. All the alarm bells went off and I was referred to a psychiatrist. “I don’t understand why you haven’t been referred before,” the doctor said. “It’s very clear. You’re manic-depressive.’
After that diagnosis, five years ago, I didn’t feel relieved. It felt like I had been stamped “crazy” on my forehead. My environment did respond positively. Finally we knew what was up. “Now you can get very targeted help,” they said.
That realization came to me a week later. The depressions and the manias: it wasn’t all my own fault. I was ill and had no influence on the course of the voting myself.
After that low point in the car, I knew I had to focus on getting better. I really enjoyed my job, but I couldn’t bear the thought of having to go back to work. I had to get better first without being pushed. I stopped working as an employee and now I work for myself. At first it felt like a b-choice, but now freelancing has become a real gift. It gives me so much peace and space. If I hadn’t been so ill I would never have taken this step. In that sense it has also brought me a lot.”
If I didn’t answer my phone my husband got scared
It has been a search, but Danielle has now found suitable medication. “I can’t do without medication. In addition, rest and regularity are good for me. If I were to go to concerts three evenings in a row, that would be asking for problems. Little sleep and many stimuli increase the chance of a new mania.
Despite everything, I am not bitter. I’m happy about that. I focus on what is there and what I can do. That’s easier to achieve if you’re stable, but even before that, I managed. Crazy maybe, but I can look back on my life with a warm feeling. It has shaped me into who I am today.”
Bipolar Disorder and Relationships
“It has also strengthened the relationship with my husband. I am proud of us and where we are now. It is great that we have always been open, also towards our children. It may be even more difficult to be a partner next to your loved one having bipolar disorder than having to endure it yourself.
During depressions, my husband simply had to go to work, not knowing how he would find me again in the evening. Wondering if I wasn’t going to do weird things. If I didn’t answer my phone, it caused concern. She hasn’t done anything bad, has she?
Others could not see that I was sick and I could put on a mask well. Not my close family and friends. They saw it in my eyes, without shine. No one else realized how deep I was in depression. That makes an invisible disorder extra difficult. The suffering is not visible to the outside world.
The most important thing is to be there for someone with bipolar disorder without judgment
Every day I am very consciously grateful for how things are going now. If I have a bad day, I am no longer afraid to fall back. I can feel less happy without fear of depression. And when I’m happy, I no longer wonder if that’s the beginning of a mania. There is trust. At first, a mood determined how I felt and how I acted. That’s the biggest difference with how it is now.”
Danielle is stable. Finally. When asked if she is missing anything in this story, she responds: “I would like to share how you can be of added value to someone with bipolar disorder. The most important thing is to be there for someone without judgment. no well-intentioned advice or solutions, but offer a listening ear or provide distraction in the form of a walk, cup of tea or something else fun
And to others with bipolar disorder, I want to say, know that it can be okay.”