We have a training activity in the office, and we all go to an escape room.
We are not many people, six in total.
My wife really objects and says it doesn’t belong because there are several girls my age (and there are two more, a man and a woman, older than us).
Peace.
First of all, it’s great and important that you ask and share problems in the field of marriage. It’s too big a space to handle alone! We are here on this issue as well, with you and for you.
“What’s really the story here?”
Often this question comes up in one way or another in different marital situations. As much as it seems that the question concerns the boundaries of home and work, as much as it seems that these are matters of modesty in the workplace (and these are issues that should definitely be considered), in this question you are actually asking how much How considerate of your wife’s wisheshow much you should cancel your will against the will of your wife and when to stand up for your will.
At the same time, in the situation, in the question and in the conversation that will arise between you, there is an extensive use of code words, for example ‘formation’. What is ‘formulation’? What does ‘formation’ do? Which ‘formation’ will you both agree is fine and which is problematic? This is also true for the concept of modesty and more.
Even before we dive into the depth, it is important to clarify that seclusion at home when your life is moving on the axis between your wife and the workplace, where you behave in a cold and alienated manner, is not an option.
Everyone needs a social life, and often most of our social life takes place in the workplace, and not necessarily with friends outside the workplace (although this is a circle that is important to exist as well).
How do I know why she (doesn’t) want to? How do I know what I want?
In the given situation, you do not manage to get beyond saying yes or no in the conversation, and therefore you do not manage to get out of the mud, but only go deeper into it. In order to get out of the mud, you have to dig deep into it. You both need to talk about the ‘why’. Does your wife object because she feels you spend more time at work than at home? Is it because she has been trying several times to initiate a double date and it doesn’t work out? Does she feel that the relationship is unstable and you are actually contacting other women? No, not as a traitor, but because you don’t find, in her perception, an emotional and mental answer in her, you find it in the partner at work.
These are just some of the hypotheses and none of them may be true. The most important thing is to say that you hear her objecting, and you feel that even if you guess why she says it, you don’t know why and you would really like to understand her. It is important that when she shares, you don’t think about how you solve the motive for her desire, but rather listen carefully and step into her shoes. At the same time as understanding her, it is important that you also understand yourself – why it is important for you to date the firm. Do you feel that your lack of sociability in the office hurts work productivity? Do you feel like a stranger in the office? Are you afraid it will affect your promotion? Of course, there can be many more options, and it is important that you understand why you want to go out. Maybe in the end you will find that because you feel that there is no place for your desires, you insist on it as a principle because you do not want her to interfere in the space that you see as a space that belongs only to you.
What do we do with the desires?
As soon as you both recognize the other’s motive for his or her opinion, as soon as you have listened while stepping into each other’s shoes and needs, there you can talk and understand. The conversation is no longer the specific conversation of ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but a conversation of how to fulfill each other’s desires. This rule is true not only for the case of this question but for any dispute, discussion or argument between spouses. It doesn’t require that you both be satisfied with the solution, but both of you will understand what void it fills in the other and knowing that the other knows what void you want to fill.
For example, it is possible with great difficulty that she will support your going out with the office, but in the process you learn that she longs for meetings between the two of you that do not revolve only around the technical management of the house, or a date that amounts to a house game. She really wants to go out and spend time with you. Following the conversation, you also undertake to invest more in this and not as a favor or compensation for leaving the office, but because your relationship is important to you and you want to invest in it.
Between a marital relationship and a friend and family relationship
It is not enough to talk only about your desires, about how you seek to fill the void of the other’s desire without canceling your own. It is very important that you also talk about the boundaries outside the couple.
The two of you have a unique relationship, it should have unique characteristics, unique gestures and more. These things, beyond the essence of the relationship, distinguish your relationship compared to your other family and social relationships.
I don’t know you well enough, but I would like to assume that you lack an emotional and practical expression of the uniqueness of your relationship and much of what is present between you is technical. Therefore, an emotional connection outside your system can be a threatening factor (the way your wife might see the social activity of the office) and it can also be a source that fulfills the social and emotional need (the way you might see the social activity of the office).
When the outing is only male, she may be less resistant, but not satisfied, not only because of the lack of presence in the uniqueness of your relationship, but also because she would like to fulfill the need that the male social meeting fulfills. Therefore, it is important to talk about the uniqueness of the relationship and a certain coordination of expectations about what is outside of your unique relationship. When she is not at all opposed to going out as a man and what bothers her is only the female presence of your age, the reality is not fundamentally different, and at the same time you need to further refine the uniqueness of your relationship compared to a relationship with others and what this manifests itself in. Both to give her confidence in the Nablus relationship and to think about how to strengthen the presence of the uniqueness of your relationship.
Boundaries and modesty in the workplace – at home and beyond
Beyond the conversation about desires, it is important to talk, separately, about how and where you see the boundaries between home and work, especially in our generation where these boundaries are more blurred than before. This conversation is separate from the conversation about how you see modesty in the workplace. It is possible that you come from a different background and have a different perception on this matter and it has not come up until now because it was not in your reality until now, not regarding boundaries between the home and the workplace and not in matters of modesty.
The conclusion does not require that you change your job or change the course of your life – it will require you to act sensitively in these environments to the needs and desires of your wife, of course without canceling yourself since you are aware of your needs and the depth behind your desire. It will also focus you more.
And at a second glance – what can be done in relation to the workplace?
In these words, there is a request to move in the marital space from a place of action to action, instead of just being responsive to reality to create a different reality that enables solutions. This is also true for the workplace.
There are many and varied options for creating a formative social activity in the workplace that you may also feel more comfortable with in light of the conclusions you will discover about yourself in light of your conversation with yourself (and perhaps also with your wife).
I can’t choose for you whether to define the escape room activity as a correct activity, but I’m not sure I would do it myself. It is clear to me that if there is an escape room that the men are doing and on the other side of the microphone the women are routing you, or vice versa, this is different than a situation where you are together in the room, certainly different than a situation where you divide part of the activity into mixed teams who must first all meet together to solve the exit from the room, and you might not know it until you get to an escape room.
Be that as it may, when I was in a mixed place they accepted and respected my desire to be part of the group but also to maintain my boundaries, and precisely the conversations that revolved around the formation activity consolidated us more than the activity itself because we learned everyone’s sensitivity in light of the way the discourse and discussion were conducted – no Only to reject, but first to say what is good in the proposal, what hinders the proposal, what is the need and not only rejection but also an alternative proposal that takes into account what has come up among the partners in the workplace up to that point in the conversation.
You are very welcome to continue to share with us, tell us what you think (and your wife’s) about the answer, and update how it goes. You can here on the site with a new question:
makshivim.org.il/ask-away
And also at the WhatsApp center – 052-468-3927 and the telephone center – Kochavit 8298.
Successfully!
Rabbi Nathaniel Weil
Marriage and sexual counselor
Moked members are listening