The Alzheimer Café Peelland held a meeting on Tuesday 4 October with the theme ‘dementia, mourning and loss’: a difficult theme.
More than forty people had come to De Beiaard in Asten for this subject. Discussion leader Hannie Derksen talked to the Astense Irene Kersten before the break. Irene has worked for the police for a long time and then had to deal with all kinds of fierce situations. She later went on to study the behavior of people in traumatic situations and crises. She now owns a company that enables organisations, schools and companies to optimally deal with crisis situations and to offer those involved effective aftercare. She can therefore rightly be called an expert.
In the event of a serious event, this does not only have consequences for the first person involved. The partner, children, friends, colleagues or employer are also involved to a greater or lesser extent in processing the trauma or processing loss. The question “How do you deal with serious events?” therefore does not have an unequivocal answer. Each person – partly depending on the relationship – reacts differently. Hearing the diagnosis of dementia can also be regarded as a serious event. This can be clear on the one hand (‘Now I understand the reactions or behavior of my partner’), on the other hand it raises many questions (‘What is coming at us? How should we deal with this?). There is no step-by-step plan for everyone on how to deal with these matters (mourning, loss, dementia). However, you can say in general: “Talk about it with each other, support each other, show understanding and give space to everyone’s own way of processing. Show the mourner that you are there for him/her, go there with a pot of soup, offer to mow the lawn or ask if there is anything you can do,” said Irene.
And don’t forget the (grand) children. They also have questions and emotions when grandpa or grandma dies and when they see the dementia process. Start the conversation in understandable language. (Print) books can be an aid in this regard.
After the break there was an opportunity to ask questions. They came in abundance. Not all of them were related to the theme of grief and loss, but they did arise from the day-to-day practice of informal carers for a person with dementia.
For example: Why is it that a person with dementia can be annoying, snappy and even aggressive towards the closest carer and can turn like a leaf on a tree when someone else comes in?
Or: Why is a daytime activity a great solution for one person and another person cannot be persuaded to do it.
And this: a person with dementia also goes into a “grief process” or may have to deal with the death of a loved one. How does he experience all this?
Irene tried to explain it all, but also when answering these questions it appears that it can be different for every situation and for every person. Essential when dealing with grief and loss: show love, be understanding, have patience, give space and time to everyone’s feelings.
Irene used another beautiful image that may provide guidance in a seemingly hopeless situation: In a boat you need two paddles to sail forward, otherwise you just turn in circles: one paddle is loss-oriented and the other future-oriented. So you may think about the loss and how everything was, but also worry about the future.
Opening Alzheimer Cafe Peelland
Rob Fritsen
The Alzheimer Café on 1 November has the theme ‘Young people with dementia’.
It will only happen to you that you are told that you have dementia at the age of 40. You are still in the prime of your life. How do you deal with that? What are you running into? For example, can you still continue to work? And if so, for how long? How do you tell this to colleagues? And what is the impact on your environment? To your children, who are often still young? On your partner?
Discussion leader Jac Huijsmans will talk to Martine Doorenbosch, case manager (young) dementia at De Zorgboog.
The ACP of December 6 is dedicated to the fifth anniversary of Alzheimer Café Peelland.
Then there is a theater performance by Theater Aan De Lijn. Two sisters and a brother, all three elderly, try to discover who has dementia. It will be a cheerful, clownish performance. Recommended.
The meetings will take place in the center of De Beiaard in Asten, start at 7.30 pm (doors open from 7 pm) and end at 9 pm. The first cup of coffee is free.