2024-07-05 22:13:59
My heart pounds at the slightest remark
Even mild criticism is over-interpreted as ‘I’m screwed’… Low self-esteem makes people believe ‘I’m useless’
Praise is burdensome and I reject it instead… Even if I do well, I am pressured to ‘do better’
Maladaptive perfectionist thinking that is not satisfied with any achievements is also affected.
To the boss in my mind who is criticizing me… It helps to name the situation and make it objective
An So-sim (pseudonym), who has been working for 11 years and was recently promoted to assistant manager, regrets attending a new employee training session a few days ago. The senior who conducted the training gave Ahn a work-related quiz in front of the trainees, and she got it wrong. When the senior pointed out, “If you do this, you’ll get in trouble with your senior,” a snicker could be heard among the trainees. Ahn answered the next few questions well, but she was very concerned about the previous wrong answers. “I’m afraid that people will think I don’t know anything for my age,” she said. “I even feel like I got promoted for nothing when I have no ability.”
It is difficult to deal calmly with other people’s criticism or comments. No matter how valid it is, anyone would cringe at a negative evaluation. However, it is a different matter for Ahn to misinterpret other people’s comments and criticisms beyond their original intention and torment himself. His superior simply pointed out the wrong answer, not that he was not qualified to be promoted. Ahn even got one of the many quizzes wrong. Nevertheless, in an instant, he fell into self-destructive thoughts such as “I am incompetent” and “I am not qualified.” Is there no way to escape this insecure attitude?
● “I’m still incompetent”… False confidence
Overreaction to criticism is caused by a combination of psychological reasons such as low self-esteem, self-critical thinking, and perfectionism. When such people receive criticism from others, they tend to feel ashamed of their own existence. They criticize themselves with a stronger intensity than the criticism, saying, “Why am I so bad?”
According to several studies, people with low self-esteem tend to be more attentive to criticism from those around them. People with low self-esteem, which represents their subjective perception of ‘how valuable I am’, have an identity of ‘I am a bad person’. When others evaluate me negatively, this is familiar information that matches their identity, so they absorb it without filtering it out. Their identity becomes more solid as they think, ‘I am a bad person after all’.
Unfortunately, these people absorb criticism well, but bounce off compliments. Researchers from the University of Waterloo in Canada conducted several studies on self-esteem and compliments, and found that people with low self-esteem find compliments burdensome and have difficulty accepting them. This is because they judge compliments to be information that is inconsistent with their identity as an “ugly person,” and thus refuse to accept them.
People with high self-esteem react in the opposite way. Those who have the identity of “I’m a pretty good person” do not accept criticism from others as criticism of themselves. They are less shocked because they can draw the line that criticism from others is a problem limited to a part of themselves, not the whole of their being.
● Perfectionism that leads to a vicious cycle
If you pursue perfectionism to avoid situations where you are evaluated poorly by others, you have chosen a shortcut to a vicious cycle. In particular, ‘socially prescribed perfectionism’, which aims to look good to others, is considered a maladaptive perfectionism that interferes with life. This is different from adaptive perfectionism, which seeks high perfection on your own without worrying about what others think.
Maladaptive perfectionism has many side effects. Dr. Jennifer Grzegorek’s research team at the Iowa State University Student Counseling Center in the United States examined the psychological characteristics of adaptive perfectionists, maladaptive perfectionists, and those without perfectionism tendencies among 273 college students. As a result, maladaptive perfectionists were the most self-blaming and critical, and had the lowest self-esteem.
These three groups of students interpreted the same results differently. Although the grade point averages of maladaptive perfectionists and adaptive perfectionists were almost the same, maladaptive perfectionists were considerably dissatisfied with their grades. On the other hand, adaptive perfectionists felt that their grades were quite good. When maladaptive perfectionists received feedback that they “did not do well,” they thought that they “should do better next time,” but when they received feedback that they “did well,” they also tended to think that they “should do better next time.” In conclusion, they were never satisfied with their performance in any case.
Overgeneralization and catastrophizing thinking add to this, making you more sensitive to criticism from others. Overgeneralization thinking refers to generalizing based on one or two incidents and drawing illogical conclusions. In the previous example, when Mr. Ahn got a quiz wrong and thought, “I’m incompetent,” this is overgeneralization thinking. Catastrophizing thinking is the belief that when a negative event occurs, it will worsen to the worst possible outcome. If Mr. Ahn thinks, “I don’t know anything properly, so I won’t be able to get promoted to team leader in the future, and I might end up being useless at the company and get kicked out,” this is catastrophizing thinking.
● Self-torture that says “I need to do better”
The inner workings that push oneself can also be understood through the concept of top dog and underdog in Gestalt psychotherapy. The top dog refers to the me inside me that pushes and criticizes with a voice that is normative and directive. The underdog is another side of me that resists this voice by saying, “I can’t do it!” but is constantly oppressed and harassed.
The boss of a person who thinks, “I’m useless,” even when someone points out a small thing to them, will push them by saying, “You have to do better,” “You have to be more perfect,” or “If you don’t, you’re incompetent.” He or she will push them to pursue perfection and achieve ideal goals. The boss’s voice is most likely unconsciously planted by a strict parent or teacher who had a strong influence on them during their childhood.
The louder the boss’s voice, the more sensitive he becomes to small mistakes and failures. The servant feels ashamed that he is inferior and cannot meet the boss’s standards. At the same time, he feels fear that he will be criticized and rejected by others. That is why Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt psychotherapy who first came up with the concept of boss and servant, called the interaction between boss and servant a “self-torture game.” It means that it is self-destructive.
● Accept both praise and criticism specifically
Thinking about the facts of a situation in which you have been criticized helps you accept the facts as they are. The researchers at the University of Waterloo, mentioned earlier, found through continued research that people with low self-esteem need to practice thinking concretely. If you hear a compliment from your boss saying, “You did a great presentation today,” don’t take it as an abstract meaning of “I am a great person,” but break it down into praise for a few specific actions you did well in the presentation, and it will be much easier to accept.
The same goes for criticism. If you hear someone say, “Your presentation today was a bit lacking,” rather than thinking, “I am lacking,” you should think of just a few specific things that were lacking in the presentation. This focuses on preventing the fruit-in-the-mouth mentality. Professor Lim Myeong-ho of Dankook University’s Department of Psychotherapy said, “Talking to a friend or family member you can talk to comfortably and getting an objective evaluation of the situation will help reduce illogical cognitive biases.”
Also, whenever self-defeating thoughts occur, giving your own name to the boss in your mind that drives you to such thoughts can help you objectify the situation. For example, you can name yourself “Perfect” or “Anxious,” and whenever you have extreme thoughts like “I’m screwed” at the slightest criticism, you can think, “Perfect is angry,” or “Anxious is bothering me again.” Professor Lim emphasized, “You need to recognize that the strict self inside you is pushing yourself and practice telling yourself, “It’s okay.”
Reporter Choi Go-ya [email protected]
2024-07-05 22:13:59