the mail of the heart / not at all candid
twelve o’clock, 8 March 2021 – 08:24
The Candida Way,
I have a serious problem with my wife, with whom I have been for twenty years. As the most faithful man that I was, I was reduced to betraying her not once, but twice. a complicated story: she discovered only one betrayal and did not forgive me, but I’m sure that if she accepted that there are two betrayals, things would be different: I confessed but she doesn’t believe me… I proceed in order. Coinciding with our son’s turbulent adolescence and a difficult work situation, we have had disagreements that have alienated us from all points of view. When things went badly between us, I suffered a lot. I wondered what happened to our understanding, how years and years of complicity had dissolved. I asked her best friend for advice and she was very close to me, listened to me, made me feel understood and considered again. I don’t know how, at some point, since her husband wasn’t there, we found ourselves in bed together. The relationship went on for several months, even though we always told each other that it was the last time and we had to stop. I have kept to this principle and in fact I have left it. it was only at that point, in front of her cold, that I realized that she was expecting something different, as if she were offended. Soon after, a woman known for work brazenly starts courting me. I was alone, beaten twice, and in the face of very explicit insistence, I fell for it. I didn’t realize she knew my wife’s friend, who knew and did two terrible things: first, she told the girl that I was a serial traitor, then she warned my wife about this fling. I had to confess, but I also confessed to her best friend because I didn’t take the first step, because she wanted herself and a dear friend doesn’t make you suffer on purpose. The friend denied and my wife did not believe me, but her. My wife threw me out of the house, my friend made a scorched earth around me. I feel cheated, circuit, betrayed. And I would like my wife to understand that her friend envious of her and has actually worked to destroy our marriage..
Twice innocent
Dear Twice innocent,
we are all good at calling ourselves innocent by blaming principals, prompters, manipulators. The fact remains that you have cheated on your wife twice. And, however much a woman can offer herself to a man, infidelity requires the consent of both. In front of two women who offered themselves to her, she could have denied herself anyway. He did not do so and it matters little now what the intentions of these ladies were. Does it matter why she gave in: loneliness? Need for understanding? Attraction? He should seek the understanding of his wife starting from here, from how he felt, from the desperation he felt. It won’t be easy. Had she consulted me earlier, I would have advised her not to point the finger at her friend. At least in this phase: the truth is not an absolute value and not the antidote to all evil. Sometimes, to triumph, it needs to be given in small doses.
Love taking care of people
Dear Candida,
I am sixty years old and have lived alone for about fifteen, after a marriage that gave me children, as well as satisfactions and pains that are now behind me. I have built a life with friendships that I can now cultivate less for known reasons. For I’m fine alone and never wanted a man in the house again. I have a friend for some years that I like to attend for a dinner, a theater, a cinema, a walk. Now, there is very little entertainment left, but I’ll see you anyway and, to me, that’s okay. Not to him. He, on the other hand, wants a coexistence. He is ten years older than me and ailments that get worse with age. I have to feel guilty because I don’t feel like carrying on my shoulders the care of a person, the responsibilities of companionship and care of someone who, like me and before me, is getting older and older.
?
Carletta
Cara Carletta,
when no promises are made, there are no obligations or it makes sense to feel guilty. However, if there is no desire to take care of the other, it means that there is no love. You have chosen to live to the minimum, to be satisfied with little. Not that the serenity is little, not enough to say alive. You can live with the handbrake on, allowing the pleasure of the company of friends to be enough, for love is something else: emotions, roller coasters, worries and even the joy of sharing the concerns of others. As Pope Francis said, lack of health is never a good reason to exclude or, worse, to eliminate a person; the most serious deprivation that the elderly undergo is not the weakening of the organism, but the abandonment, the exclusion, the deprivation of love. Her friend, more than her, is in the age of decline and she simply doesn’t love him enough to want to share this phase of life with him. I have no advice to give you, but only these food for thought to offer you. Are you really sure that love, with this man or with another, does not yet have to be your ambition?
Candida Morvillo
March 8, 2021 | 08:24
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