2024-07-05 06:13:38
Don’t say to him “You made me angry” or to yourself “I’m angry” but “I notice that I’m angry”
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If you look in the mirror, you’ll probably see one of those cartoons of angry people with smoke coming out of their ears. Well, obviously that’s a metaphor, but that’s exactly how you feel. And you got angry colleague.
Wait, you’re approaching it wrong. You should not think “He made me angry”.
First, it means you are blaming him and a scandal could flare up.
Second, even worse – this means you empower it. You let him dictate how you feel.
“You are depriving yourself of agency, of making a conscious choice between someone’s problematic behavior and your reaction to it. You choose how to react, no one can force you to feel anything“explains Adam Grant, a psychologist and professor at the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania.
Unlike other colleagues who recommend that you directly name your negative feeling in front of you through the so-called Me-messages, Grant does not advise thinking “I’m angry” either. According to him, you should tell yourself “I notice I’m angry”. Thus there is a space between the stimulus – its behavior – and your response to him.
Psychologist Susan David explains why it’s important to change the words you use to think about what you’re feeling: “If you use ‘I’m angry,’ you’re doing a complete linguistic fusion between yourself and your emotion. There’s no space between the stimulus and the response to give you allow yourself to make a different choice.If you say to yourself, “I notice that I’m feeling angry,” you’re putting space between yourself and the emotion emotions are stories we tell ourselves to explain our physical and mental sensations. You can use language to remind yourself that they are built that way, and then you tell yourself different, better stories. Instead of feeling carried away by your emotions, you observe them before choosing how you want to label your feelings and react. In this model, others cannot make you feel something that does not benefit you.”
Grant and David argue that this allows you to take a step back before your reaction and avoid damage.
However, do you have the will to dictate your words?
Yes, if you apply some of the well-known ways to delay your reaction for about a minute and a half. Because according to neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolty Taylor, that’s how long it takes to completely break down the stress hormones that are triggered as a result of your biochemical reaction to environmental irritation. She assures that, according to research, the so-called an anger hormone (norepinephrine) secreted by the adrenal glands disappears from the bloodstream in 90 seconds. “After that, any responses are a personal choice of the person to stay or not stay in that emotional loop. Neurologically, we have the power to choose what we want to be,” Dr. Taylor points out. (Taming the feelings in 90 seconds ensures peace and success at work.)
To give your body an opportunity to process the “angry” hormones, experts advise immediately using proven coping techniques.
o The good old “Count to 5” rule really helps. Count very slowly. If you’re still angry, go ahead – and 10 is a good number.
o Take 5-6 slow deep breathsconcentrating on the breath itself.
o Transfer your body weight on the left leg. Count to 5 and transfer it to the right one.
o Imagine that in this situation it is not you, but someone else. You are a bystander. This gives you an opportunity to move away from your anger. In many cases, you will come to the conclusion that it is not worth getting so attached to what the colleague did.
o Rate your level of irritation on a scale of 1 to 10. Realize if you are angry, angry, or on the verge of an outburst. What to do next? Nothing. By the time you’ve been thinking about exactly where on the scale your feelings are, you’ve already calmed down.
o Repeat to yourself as a mantra something that gives you self-confidence. For example: “I am a calm woman/calm man. I am confident in myself. And this will pass”.
o Carry a “stone of patience”, if you often get angry with a colleague/boss (also with others who throw you off balance). Any object pleasant to the touch is suitable. If it doesn’t make an impression, better. For example, choose a smooth marble egg that you keep somewhere convenient on your desk. Whenever you feel anger, touch your “patience stone”. It helps magically.
Nature has biochemically programmed your anger to pass in 90 seconds, so give it a chance to do its job. After that, do not think about him, but about the problem – how not to come to a conflict with the colleague and how to solve the crisis situation between you.
It is of great importance here not to indulge in the so-called mental rumination – to repeat what happened, to bring stress and the hormones that accompany it, which again cause you anger. If you do this, you are no longer angry with your colleague – you are angry with yourself.
By using the right words to put space between the stimulus and your reaction, you have regained self-control, managing your feelings and your mind. Therefore, it is time to turn to analytical thinking on the essence of the problem.
——- Don’t ignore, manage
Note that psychologists are not advising to ignore your anger, but to manage how you feel and how it manifests itself.
“Anger, anger, are normal emotions. If you don’t address them, they build up and at some point erupt in an ugly way,” says Hesha Abrams, author of Keeping Calm: Secrets to Resolving Conflict and Reducing Tension.
According to her, anger can even be beneficial if you express it in the right way.
For it to happen, you must first master it and decide how to express it. If you’re losing control, if you’re so angry that you can’t think straight and measure your words, close your mouth, take a deep breath through your nose and hold. Or dig your fingernails into the palm of your hand and squeeze hard. “A little nudge is enough to trick your nervous system into thinking, ‘There’s something else going on here.’ That interrupts anger-rage,” Abrams points out.
How you express your anger is often based on how you were raised. If you grew up in a family where loud expressions of anger were normal, you probably raised your voice to a colleague or even your boss.
“Sometimes you have to throw up, but first you have to find a trash can so you don’t throw up in front of another person. You have an ethical obligation to see what you’re throwing up. It’s irresponsible to just vent your anger. Choose how you express it. Humans have” gas pedal. Control your behavior,” emphasizes Abrams.
Try to express your anger verbally, not through actions. “There’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘I’m really angry.’ You have a right to express your feelings, you have a right to express anger. But you still have to be in control,” Abrams explains. “For example, you can say, ‘I’m really angry. This decision is wrong”. This statement requires someone to listen to you and interact with you.
It is the other person’s responsibility to ask why. He may not agree with you, but talking is a normal method of cooling down anger.”
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