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Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I have a very good college friend who is taking much longer to graduate than I did, but until recently, I didn’t think too much of it. Over Christmas, she told people that this spring was her last semester and that she’s finally getting her degree. Some things she said didn’t add up, because I went through the same program, so I wondered whether she was really ready to graduate. I felt bad thinking this without proof, but she spends so much time hanging out with me and playing video games with her boyfriend, and she used to have to study hard just to pass our courses.
This week, her boyfriend confided in me that my friend actually stopped enrolling in classes two years ago and is going to tell everyone she decided to switch majors. He said it’s been such a burden, because he’s the only one who knows — until now. Her parents have invested so much money in her education, and they don’t know. I guess they aren’t checking too closely. (They are loaded.)
I’m concerned because she’s keeping up this farce and not doing anything with her life. As a concerned friend, should I confront her, or is this a mind-my-own-business kind of thing?
MYOB?: Your friend might be in trouble emotionally, so I wouldn’t jump straight to MYOB. And the boyfriend may need someone to step in, too, because he, like any regular person, is not qualified to be the sole source of help to someone dealing with serious things.
The trajectory you describe — struggling, dropping out, lying to cover it up, seeking pain relief in constant gaming or other habitual escapism — can be part of a depression-anxiety-shame spiral. As always, I say this with the caveat that I am not a licensed health professional of any kind. But that possibility and the need for a professional evaluation are worth mentioning to the boyfriend, so (a) he can urge her to get help if she isn’t already getting it and (b) she can tell people the truth or consent to his telling some people, so both of them can get more support.
I don’t think I can overstate how far the pandemic-stress tentacles can still reach right now. People who, as you said, had to work hard just to stay on their path (be it school, work, family relationships, sobriety, mental health), and/or who don’t have strong and engaged support networks, are especially affected by the years of added strain. So please ask your friend how she’s doing, and convey to the boyfriend the urgency of getting some other people involved.
· Can we also please leave the confront-or-do-nothing paradigm behind? Why not also ask the friend directly how it’s really going, based on past shared experience — and express concern, and open the possibility of a dialogue?
· Thank you so much for your answer. The pretender doesn’t need confrontation, but support — desperately. She should know that she’s not alone in concocting her charade — and that friend and boyfriend will continue to love her through coming clean.
· As someone with ADHD (not yet diagnosed in college) who struggled to focus and wasted a lot of time, I would say to talk to your friend (from a place of concern but not while being patronizing). There is so much shame about not being as productive as other people, and for years I thought I was just stupid. Your friend is embarrassed and is avoiding. Give her a hug and have a talk.
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