Dating-Kolumne
true experiences
He wore pizza socks and had sex with his violin: before this date all I wanted to do was run away
Of course, this man is just a symbol for the violin freak
© IMAGO / photosteinmaurer.com
Online dating is anything but easy and you meet the strangest people. And sometimes strange things happen on a first date that you just have to tell them. Like the pizza sock man.
One evening, while I was lying idle on the couch and my only job was to exhale carbon dioxide for my plants, I heard my friends in my ears: “Christina, you have to date again, otherwise you’ll never find one and finally change your prey scheme”. I reluctantly bowed to the voice in my head and started digging through the online dating jungle.
Between sloths, snakes, elephants and similar animals I found a man who I thought, well, he has a job, looks well-groomed, seems intelligent – why not? Why not, explained itself in the first minutes of the date. A wannabe hipster stood in front of me, not much taller than me, with a cap rolled over his ears, flood pants and braces. The only thing that differed from his fisherman look were his pizza socks, which, thanks to the rolled-up pants, also came out in full salami strength.
Unfortunately, I still haven’t gotten the hang of ending the date in the first two minutes, even though I was already thinking: NO! So, out of politeness, I went for a coffee with the gentleman in question. Only the third café was agreeable to him. Even communication on the way there was difficult and hesitant, even though entertaining is actually my job. Almost every pseudo-interested question on my part received slightly snotty, short answers. Not necessarily ones that suggested disinterest, more along the lines of what a great guy he was. My head was pounding for excuses, I left the stove on, I have a headache, or just run away screaming. I did nothing of the sort. I didn’t mean to offend him.
On the first date: “I can’t hold out as long as I used to when it comes to the point”
In the café I tried to continue my forced small talk, asked him how he got into photography and what exactly he did. He told me that he first studied singing and violin and then taught himself to learn by doing photography. But he wouldn’t explain to me exactly what he photographed, I wouldn’t understand it anyway. Ah yes, thank you Suddenly the conversation took a very strange turn, after maybe twenty minutes of forced babble, the man said, “You know, me and my ex-girlfriend, we have a really difficult relationship. We may not be together anymore, but the attraction is there still continue. Whenever I see them, then I actually have to touch them” – That’s not really happening here, is it?! – “Well, I can’t last as long as I used to when it comes to things, which is a shame, but I don’t think she minds, as long as I touch her and play on her.”
No, this guy didn’t exactly tell me about his violin as his ex-girlfriend and he thinks it’s funny, doesn’t he? “Tell me, are you talking about your violin?” I asked hesitantly, whereupon he said: “Oh, how nice that you understand my humor.” I, on the other hand, didn’t think it was so nice, massively disturbed, my eyes sought the waiter, it was time to get the headache excuse out or something to get away from here.
As I looked around, he told me he lived around the corner. He would be happy if I would accompany him to his apartment. No, definitly not. Now I half yelled for the waiter. When he finally showed up at our table and I asked for the bill, the online dating man said, “Well, if you’re in a hurry, you can pay for everything,” to which I replied that maybe his “ex-girlfriend “Yes, could take over our bill. Rarely have I been so relieved to spend money as when the bill came. While I was paying, he did the totals on the bill. I wished him a nice day and left my thoughts to my friends: “Christina, you need to change your loot scheme.”
The stories in this dating column all happened in real life. I certainly haven’t experienced all of them myself, there are also contributions from colleagues, friends and acquaintances among them, but they are all worth telling.