Other people’s problems can (indirectly) have a lot of influence on you. And you have little to no control over that. How do you deal with second-hand stress?
We humans are social creatures and pick up on the signals of other people. That means you probably react how the people around you react to certain situations. Kind of herd behavior. When you suddenly see someone bending over, you will automatically bend over too. When someone is sad, your emotions will also change. ‘If many people around us react to an event with sadness or fear, we notice this ourselves and we implicitly tend to adopt this behaviour. We think if other people respond this way, that’s the right way to respond,” explains Tim Bono, a psychology and brain sciences lecturer at HuffPost.
What is Second Hand Stress?
When it comes to someone else’s stress, it can take extreme forms. This is also referred to as second-hand stress or passive stress. “Specifically, second-hand stress is the result of being exhausted by taking on the suffering of others or helping them by being there for them during times of stress,” says Bono.
Secondhand stress can occur when someone else’s stress accumulates in you to a level that causes you to experience mental and physical complaints. These complaints often arise because you do not dare or cannot talk about them, because they are not your problems. The tension of not talking about it can get under your skin. This can happen if you are so concerned about someone else. “Passive stress is an extreme form of empathy,” Bono continues. But how do you know if you suffer from secondhand stress?
4 Signs of Secondhand Stress
How do you know you’re dealing with second-hand stress, rather than ‘ordinary’ stress? Here are the signs to look out for if you experience this particular form of stress:
1. You are overly sweet and helpful to others
Are you always ready for everyone? Are you mega sensitive and empathetic? And do you never feel too bad to lend a hand or offer a listening ear? Then you are probably also a lot more sensitive to passive stress. It is of course a very good quality to be so helpful, but watch yourself. Remember that you can’t always help everyone and think about yourself more often. Put yourself first, because your own (mental) health comes first.
2. You have trouble communicating
People who have difficulty talking or communicating are especially susceptible to second-hand stress. If you can’t articulate the problem, you often dismiss it. But dismissing it doesn’t mean the problem is gone or solved. Bottling up feelings is never the answer. If you can’t talk about it, you can’t handle the stress.
3. You begin to withdraw more and more
When you avoid certain situations or tasks due to stress, this is often a sign of second-hand stress. You are so overwhelmed with fear or sadness that you can no longer perform daily tasks. It’s getting out of hand. Things like not being able to concentrate on your work, having trouble doing your shopping can be evidence of an increased stress level.
4. You suffer from physical complaints
Signs of depression, fatigue or burnout are all red flags for second-hand stress. But also complaints such as exhaustion, numbness, headache or feeling emotionally heavy should ring a bell.
5. You feel lonely
You carry all these worries of others with you in silence, which can make you feel very lonely. And loneliness is one of the biggest causes of negative feelings of emptiness, sadness, fear and meaninglessness. You can even get physical complaints from it. So not nothing.
The solution for second-hand stress
Set limits to reduce stress. It’s okay if you can’t help someone. That is not selfish behavior. Don’t feel like you always have to be the savior in these situations, because you can’t always be there for everyone. Setting boundaries can help you control (your own) stress before it gets out of hand.
Whether it’s with a therapist or your best friend, if you’re struggling with passive stress you need to open up to someone. Unspoken stress can affect your immune system. In addition, it can cause your stress hormones to rise, which can cause complications such as high blood pressure, headaches or even a heart attack.
To combat loneliness, you need to find someone to share your experience, problems, and secrets with. While it can be difficult to allow yourself to seek help when someone else is going through the “worst situation,” it’s still very important to take this step. Just because someone else needs help more than you do, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help.