Femke (32) gave birth three months ago, but has not been feeling well since giving birth. She is ashamed of that, because shouldn’t this be the happiest period of her life? She loves her daughter dearly, but she is also overwhelmed by motherhood and sometimes sad. What can she do to feel better?
Mama coach Tilda Timmers: “The most important thing is that you don’t keep it to yourself, but that you talk about it with your partner, parents or good friend. With someone who is very close to you and of whom you think: I trust him, there I dare to tell my story.
Don’t walk around alone with these kinds of feelings. A lot of mothers are ashamed if they don’t sit on that pink cloud. Thinking: I have to solve this myself, because if I tell this, people will judge me or see me as a bad mother. Some mothers are even afraid that their baby will be taken away. But if you keep it to yourself, the problem will only get worse.”
With the buttocks exposed
Timmers recommends, however difficult it may be, to talk about it. And to be as honest as possible about what you feel during that conversation: “Start the conversation with someone you feel comfortable with. And tell them honestly how you feel, don’t beat around the bush. like, ‘I don’t feel so good,’ the other person can’t understand you well.”
It is important that the interlocutor continues to ask questions, because it can be very difficult for the mother in question to share these feelings. Timmers: “Listening carefully without judgment and a lot of empathy is important. That is the first step.”
The sooner the better
If after that you think: this is not enough, I need more help with this, try to ring the bell as soon as possible. Timmers: “Not only because the waiting times in regular mental health care are long, but also because the sooner you tell us how you feel, the faster your problem can be solved.
If you tell your story after six weeks, it’s really different than if you keep walking around with it for a year. You may also have problems with attachment, the relationship with your child. Not to mention the relationship with your partner, which also suffers from the situation. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. That’s the message.”
gray cloud
Why is it that many women are sad, depressed, or experience postpartum depression in the postpartum period? Timmers: “One woman is more sensitive to it than the other. It has to do with your DNA, among other things: if your mother suffered from it, there is a greater chance that you will also suffer from it.”
“I also see mothers in my practice who are perfectionists, who set the bar high for themselves, who like to keep control, who have difficulty letting go. These are all factors that play a role in the development of feelings such as: I am not good enough as a mother.
Things that women struggled with before having a child, such as sadness, anxiety, perfectionism, are magnified once the baby is born. Then you get a magnifying glass through which coping skills stop working, because with a baby you lose control. Add to that: hormones, lack of sleep, and the enormous sense of responsibility and all those things together ensure that that pink cloud is not always there.”
Tips to feel better
Does Timmer have any other tips for taking better care of yourself when you’re not feeling well? Timmers: “If you notice that you are not sleeping while your baby is sleeping, then there is probably a lot of restlessness in your head. You should certainly not ignore that signal.”
“Do you feel insecure when you see how other mothers are doing on social media? Then it helps to look less at your phone. If you start comparing yourself with others and it makes you insecure, you are drawing the short straw. , so. Are you a perfectionist? Try to lower the bar, because otherwise you constantly feel like you’re failing.”
Helping hand
If you see that a mother in your area is having a hard time, how can you help her? Timmers: “It takes a village to raise a child, but unfortunately our society is individualistic. If you see a mother struggling, just ask her, “What can I do for you?”
It’s often the little things you can help with: taking the eldest for a walk so the mother can feed the baby, taking the baby for a walk so she can shower, get an errand or vacuum: all these little things add up to a great big difference. Many mothers do not dare to ask for help and every little bit helps.”
Finally, Timmers would like to emphasize: “If you are not sitting on a pink cloud, you must realize that it is not your fault. It is not a choice, you cannot do anything about it. That happens to you. Realize: I did not choose it , and above all try to be kind to yourself.”
Rubriek: Asking for a friend
In this weekly column Asking for a friend we submit reader questions about health to one of our experts. Do you also have a pressing health question for a general practitioner, obstetrician, dietician, psychologist or other health expert? Mail it to [email protected] and maybe you’ll see the answer appear here soon