During a podcast appearance, psychotherapist and “New York Times” bestselling author Esther Perel presented Hoda Kotb with a revealing three-question exercise about personal burnout and emotional vitality. The discussion explored why long-term responsibilities drain modern women of their spark, alongside separate insights into how couples can rekindle lost desire in established relationships.
The Three-Question Exercise That Unlocks Personal Burnout
Shortly after attending a women’s retreat with 250 people, Hoda Kotb sat down with psychotherapist and “New York Times” bestselling author Esther Perel and shared a surprising observation on the July 29 episode of the “Making Space” Podcast. Kotb shared that attendees frequently expressed a profound lack of energy, describing a common sentiment: They all came and had a similar thing, which was, in their life, they don’t have this spark. They all kind of felt a little dead inside.
Perel was not surprised, noting that it’s common for women to become consumed by caretaking and responsibility, which leaves them feeling disconnected from themselves. Because they spend so much time taking care of everyone else, they’ve stopped paying attention to what makes them feel alive. To combat this depletion, Perel uses a straightforward three-question exercise designed to help individuals reconnect with their core vitality.
The first prompt asks individuals to complete the phrase: I turn myself on when…
Clarifying the distinction, Perel explains: I awaken myself. I ignite myself. I feel alive when — which is not the same as ‘you make me feel alive.’
When prompted, Kotb answered for herself: I would say seeing a sunset in the morning while everyone’s still asleep. I would say playing with my kids. Playing with the dog. Running.
Identifying the Sources of Emotional Depletion
The second part of Perel’s exercise turns the lens toward the drain itself by asking participants to finish the second question in the exercise: I turn myself off when…
This inquiry identifies the specific habits, environments, and obligations that extinguish personal energy as Perel explains: I extinguish myself, I numb myself. I flatten myself by…
while clarifying that this is not the same as you turn me off.
Answering the prompt on the podcast episode, Kotb admitted: I flatten out when I feel overworked and depleted. When I’m spread too thin.
She added: When I’m trying to be everything for everybody, that depletes me and makes me feel in a funk. I get in a funk when my kids don’t listen. I get in a funk when I feel like everyone’s taking, and I’m not getting anything.
Perel delivered the wake up call: All of them basically say: When I’m not in charge. When I’m not responsible. When I’m not worried. When I can turn the lens onto myself and just be and enjoy and have fun.
She dug into Kotb’s examples: “When I watch the sunset and everybody’s still asleep and I don’t have to think about anybody else. When I play with my kids, it’s playful. I’m not busy telling them what to do. I’m not in responsibility mode. I’m not taking care. I am actually in a playful mode. Playfulness means that I feel free.”
The final question that she poses to women is: When is the last time you did the things that turn you on? If the answer is six months ago or I don’t get to play with my kids. I don’t get to see my friends. I don’t get to listen to music. Then you say, ‘That’s why you’re in a funk,’
she explains, advising people to go do those things that make them feel alive because It’s simple because people have a list.
Rekindling Desire in Long-Term Relationships
Hoda asks the question most people wonder at some point: If you’re in a relationship where that desire has faded, is it possible to rekindle it? Perel says yes — and it has nothing to do with the bedroom. Instead, it’s about creating moments of admiration, surprise, mystery and shared adventure.
Perel notes that the number two answer for what turns people on is when our partner surprises us: Often it’s when they make me laugh, when they’re vulnerable because I saw a side of them that I don’t usually see. Suddenly I’m invited into the antechamber of this other person.
She adds: The third one is when they play with the kids. Because it’s so unusual. When they hold the child, that tenderness comes out, that broader element of masculinity.
She poses a series of questions: When’s the last time you actually sat and listened to them when they play?
When’s the last time they cooked for you?
When’s the last time you just took a day off and didn’t know where you were going?
This desire is often lost in long-term relationships because it requires the opposite of love. Perel adds: Desire feeds on different ingredients than love,
naming security and predictability as ingredients that love feeds on, noting that The very things that nurture love are sometimes the very ones that stifle desire.
Practical Steps Beyond the Routine
Addressing listeners who feel stuck, Perel points toward open-ended exploration and stepping into unfamiliar territory.
That open-endedness, that leaping into the unknown, that sense of mystery and adventure — that is where desire lives,
she says. It doesn’t live in Victoria’s Secret. It starts earlier upstream.
Kotb calls the lesson profound and beautiful,
noting: You can work on the brakes or you can work on the accelerator. You need to loosen the brakes. Then you need to go and do those very things that give you that life energy.
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