Time.news – Is there still a place for etiquette in contemporary society? For Samuele Briatore, president of the Accademia Italiana Galateo, coordinator of the Master in ceremonial, etiquette and institutional events and research fellow at Sapienza University of Rome, as well as essayist, activist and creator of the “District X” inclusion projects for the Municipality of Milan, the answer is: absolutely yes, but with a beautiful coat of rainbow tint.
Indeed, Briatore is now back in the bookstore with a new book – after ‘The rules of good manners’, ‘How to use the right words’, ‘The etiquette of the heart’ – which updates etiquette in a completely new direction: ‘The new gender etiquette’ (Newton Compton Editori, 10 euro, 288 pages) brings together a whole series of reflections, information and advice for dealing with the changes in our society and its practices.
From more formal occasions, such as ceremonies or business meetings, to lighter moments, such as dinners or “rainbow” cocktail parties, it offers precious hints to understand how to put every guest at ease, whether they are LGBTQIA+ or straight/cisgender. But everyday situations are also addressed here and hitherto little discussed in etiquette manuals, yet increasingly central, from medicine to education and up to Pride.
But what is an etiquette manual for today and why make one specifically for the LGBTQIA+ world? Are there any tips for heterosexual people too?
“This Etiquette does not only speak of the LGBTQIA+ world, but it is a text that involves everyone, which speaks of gender at 360 degrees, of machismo, of gallantry, of the feminine and of the new needs that emerge. In my opinion, this is what the contemporary world asks of those involved in etiquette: tell the changes in society and offer the tools to master them and, as far as possible, address them. This book talks about the history of men and women through etiquette, to understand where we are going knowing where we started, because there is no future without a past. Then there are the words. Words to say and not say, words to understand and words to connect. Words to create the world and to make it a better place, for those who speak and for those who listen”.
On the other hand, etiquette, like language, reflects what exists in society through the rules it dictates and, when the latter changes, the need to develop new shared codes is also felt. But Briatore’s is not just theory or a generic reflection on the subject, on the contrary: the author rather offers practical indications for manage all kinds of circumstances in a pleasant way for everyone. Let’s take a common situation: dating. On the other hand, they are also changing for straight couples. One wonders, for example, who invites, and how? Who pays? Is there room for good manners in bed too? “Everything is permitted in bed when it is consensual” – explains the author – “sex is a totally free act that should never be subject to judgement. The bill is always paid by the inviter, regardless of gender, just as the priceless menu is not always offered to the woman but must be offered, if requested, to the guest regardless of gender. The bill is above all a man/woman issue where a perhaps slightly dusty cultural heritage plays on stereotypes and does not respond to new needs”.
But there are also many situations that the inexperienced do not necessarily associate with etiquette. The world of work, for example, or, again, social networks and online dating. Can etiquette help us navigate these occasions head-on? “Work etiquette is very broad but we can summarize it in a fundamental rule: not every kind of gallantry is allowed and people will be appealed as they wish. So one has the full right to want to be called ministers, mayors, lawyers, architects, etc. As far as online life is concerned, there is “netiquette”, a term that comes from the union of the word net, “network”, and etiquette, “etiquette/etiquette”, and is used to define the set of rules of correct and educated to keep on the web. It’s about good manners of the virtual world in the broadest sense of the term. Referring to netiquette, in fact, we are talking about etiquette of the word to be understood as ethics, justice and respect for others in online conversations. Each channel has or should have its own netiquette, as well as each group or social page, especially if sensitive and vulnerable issues with respect to hatred and verbal violence are addressed in that specific ‘virtual environment'”.
In ‘Genre etiquette’ there is something for everyone. The key to understanding the various occasions examined, however, remains the genre. An increasingly central theme in current events and in debates involving public opinion, transversal to various fields, from pop culture to civil rights, health and justice.
Yet still many have difficulty grasping the terms of speechand for this Samuele Briatore comes in handy, making available to readers not only a glossary and an overview on the subject, but also by offering practical and empathetic tools to promote mutual recognition between the parties.
For example, what do you need to know for occasions where LGBTQIA+ people are present? How to behave in the face of a coming out? “We use so many words lightly, we ask inappropriate questions and indulge in often unpleasant considerations. Coming out is an important moment of affirming one’s identity that brings with it joy, relief and pride. When a person decides to come out to us, we listen, we thank them for their trust and we don’t fall into trivial and silly phrases such as: ‘I’ve always known’, ‘But are you sure’, ‘how long have you known’, ‘ I have a friend* to introduce you to’”.
Marriages and family are a real battleground for LGBTQIA+ people. How does etiquette help us to live them better? “Coming out to the family can take several forms: There are those who confess with an open heart, those who find themselves having to respond dryly to a dry question, there are those who tell their story through writing, with an email or a message, and those who don’t feel the need to reveal themselves at all but he talks about his own sexuality or gender identity without giving weight to the issue. It doesn’t matter the road, the important thing is the goal: that of a united and harmonious family that understands and supports each other in difficulties. However, the way you react and respond can make the difference. The discovery does not always come as a bolt from the blue, on the contrary there are parents who have always known that that moment will come, others for whom the effect of the declaration can be quite traumatic. With the friends of Agedo, the association of parents and friends of LGBTQIA+ people, we discussed the emotional journey that a parent goes through and what are the different stages, increasingly liberating, which pass from acceptance to sharing and to action”.
The new gender etiquette draws a map of the configurations that gender assumes in contemporary societies and at the same time offers a guide to cross them in an open, welcoming and above all in the name of respect and reciprocity. The etiquette, on the other hand, it was born as a mirror and compass of the social context that produces itand that of Samuele Briatore is a plural etiquette, a daily tool of reflection and support for those who want to deal with the opportunities that present themselves without automatisms, prejudices or hypocrisy.