2023-05-04 07:28:31
Sometimes love doesn’t last forever. Although at the beginning of a relationship everything is happiness, over time things can deteriorate until the couple breaks up.
“There are many and varied reasons why a relationship can end, but after years of clinical practice I see that the problems that underlie couples are quite common. I would dare to say that one of the most frequent has to do with communication”, says Lucía Feito Crespo, a psychologist specializing in family and couples therapy at the Cláritas Psychological Institute.
Communication, the key to avoiding a breakup
“Communication is essential for the couple to resolve the different conflicts and disagreements that occur in all relationships. If we do not take care of communication and we are not capable of developing strategies that help us reach agreements, we will enter into dynamics such as imposing our criteria, intense discussions that cause us a lot of suffering or indifference and we don’t care. In short, dynamics that often lead to separation ”, she underlines.
The psychologist indicates that, in addition to communication, other common problems are sexual, jealousy, possessiveness, lack of emotional support, cheating and infidelity, and the need to maintain one’s own personal space apart from the partner.
However, regardless of the problem that led to the breakup, it is important to deal with this new reality appropriately.
“A separation is a very complicated process that, if we don’t manage it well, can lead us to years of suffering,” he says.
“Generally, this process usually involves stress, sleep disturbances, appetite disturbances, feelings of loneliness, guilt, isolation, and even anxiety or depression disorders,” he adds.
Communication is essential for the couple to be able to resolve the different conflicts and disagreements that occur in all relationships/Photo by cottonbro in PexelsBreakup of a couple: prepare a duel
In order to overcome the situation, Lucía Feito explains that, first of all, we must be aware that we have to grieve when a couple breaks up.
“This is not done from one day to the next. It is a process that takes time. We must accept the decision, adapt to the new situation and, little by little, integrate into a new life scenario”, she analyzes.
The psychologist affirms that, although it sounds like a cliché, time heals everything and this is a process in which you have to allow yourself to go slowly, be vulnerable and accept the help of others to feel better.
The next step is to identify and manage the emotions that may arise.
“Many times we force ourselves to be well or we do not allow ourselves to feel. We run away from ourselves and this does not allow us to grieve ”, she considers.
“We must let all the emotions appear, some pleasant and some unpleasant, but they are all part of us and what is happening to us. Denying them will only make them appear more intensely and we will stay hooked on this process for longer, which will prevent us from moving forward ”, she details.
He also insists on the need to say goodbye to the other party.
“We have decided to go our separate ways so it is important to let the other person go. Many times I see my patients get hooked on each other through anger and conflict and this is not healthy. Nor is it feeling that we need the other and that we are incapable of making our lives apart, ”he says.
Neither anger nor idealization
“The only ones we need is ourselves, so neither from idealization nor from anger, we must remain tied to the other person,” he defends.
“Just as we shouldn’t get hooked on the other through emotions of anger or admiration, we don’t have to do it from a cognitive level either: entering into loops of obsessive thoughts, looking for why, solutions or analyzing scenes,” he says.
“This is over and now we must invest our time and energy in adapting to the new challenge that lies ahead, getting active, exercising, setting new goals, sharing time with friends, family and people who make us feel good,” he advises.
“It is useless for us to stay on our sofa thinking about a past scenario or regretting what could have been and was not,” the psychologist proposes.
“It is important that we take care of ourselves and invest energy in planning activities or meeting people who make us feel good or miss us. We have been left with a void and we must activate ourselves to fill it in a healthy way and not let ourselves be overcome by apathy and sadness ”, she emphasizes.
The specialist insists on not idealizing the other and thinking that, without that person, nothing makes sense anymore and we alone will never be happy.
“We do not need others to be valid or happy,” he says.
Another bad idea is to continue sharing spaces and life with the ex-partner. “Physical distance is important,” she says.
Likewise, Feito indicates that you have to be able to show yourself vulnerable to the loss of love.
“This situation is something common that happens to many people and there is no need to be ashamed or isolate yourself, but rather talk and share experiences with friends or family. In this way, little by little, we will be able to accept what has happened and the others will help us to overcome it”, she expresses.
However, “if time passes and we are not able to feel better, we are overwhelmed, we do not know how to manage it or where to start with this new scenario, it is convenient to ask a professional for help,” he recommends.
The length of time each person needs to get back on track after a breakup varies, as every story is different.
Signs that tell us that we have overcome separation
Lucía Feito explains what are the signs that indicate that the separation is being overcome.
First of all, “when we start to feel good about ourselves, we leave behind insecurity and reproaches and we find ourselves able to face new situations or even new problems”, he comments.
In the same way, we can know that we are overcoming it “when memories no longer invade us, we stop thinking about our relationship and we get excited about the future and what is new to come. At the same time, we stop being aware of the other person, looking for them on social networks and worrying about how he or she handles this new stage. That is, when the connections we had begin to disappear, ”she points out.
Another sign that we are on the road to recovery from a breakup is “enjoying the plans again, meeting new people, etc. We feel that we have seized a new life and are building our future again, ”he notes.
Finally, the psychologist Claritas Institute stresses that we are overcoming it “when we are receptive to having new relationships and we are no longer prisoners of pain but we feel good on our own, we are comfortable and we can visualize ourselves sharing our life with someone again.”
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