Dear Care and Feeding,
I live in a duplex with a shared backyard.I have a small table and chair where I take my coffee or have a glass of wine. I also leave the sliding glass door open but with the screen shut to listen to the birds and get a breeze. Though, my new neighbor, “Kiki,” takes this as an open invitation to pop over and chat. She doesn’t just say hello; she will scoot over and plop herself down to start complaining and ask me to get her a drink.
Kiki is pregnant, and has a small child and a larger one in the form of her husband. The majority of the complaints revolve around how he will not help with chores or childcare, followed up by excuses about how tired he is from work. At first,I was sympathetic since it looked like Kiki genuinely needed a friend,but now I am sick of her grasping nature. She has dumped her daughter on me more than once at the last minute because of an appointment. The last time, she made a hair appointment and when I asked why her husband couldn’t watch their daughter—well, he was out late Saturday and sleeping in Sunday.I told Kiki I really didn’t appreciate this as my time was precious too. Kiki then went on her little pity parade about being a pregnant mom and how hard she had it.
Then, the other night, I was cooking with the screen open to get a breeze. Kiki popped out like a movie monster and startled me, causing me to drop my food. She let herself in my house to help me clean up but told me her motivation was that the smell was too good and she was so hungry with all these pregnancy hormones. I told Kiki I only made enough for myself. kiki pressed on about how I should cook for her and her family as when the baby is born, they will need all hands on deck.
This isn’t my boat. This isn’t my crew. I am not even on the water.I am not her deckhand!
I feel trapped. I stopped using my outdoor area. I keep my blinds shut and don’t even open the sliding glass door to hear the birds. If Kiki tries to catch me outside,I make the excuse that I am in a hurry. I feel like a hunted rabbit.
I got invited to Kiki’s baby shower. She wrote a note that she really wanted me there because she could use a friend right now. I felt a stab of guilt followed by a stab of anger. This feels very manipulative. I know Kiki has it hard,but the solution is to make her husband step up,not step on me.
What should I do?
—No Fences Make Bad Neighbors
Dear No Fences,
in the past, I have loudly and annoyingly advocated for neighbors’ responsibilities to help other neighbors. However,there exists a line that signifies that good-neighbordom is off the table. I agree with you that Kiki is way too much. She should not be saddling you with childcare because her husband is sleeping off a hangover. She should not be letting herself into your
It sounds like you and Kiki don’t have a future as friends. embrace the role of polite, distant neighbor. That doesn’t mean you have to close your sliding door all the time! But it means that you need to lock the screen door, and if Kiki shows up, you should chat with her for precisely 45 seconds and then retreat to the bathroom. If you’re outside at your patio table and Kiki plops herself down, engage in one (1) exchange about the weather, then find a way to excuse yourself and head inside. Eventually, Kiki will take the hint.
Polite, distant neighbors do not attend baby showers. You’re welcome, but not obligated, to leave a casserole at Kiki’s front door. Use a disposable aluminum pan.
One recent morning, just after my wife, “Lauren,” left for preschool with our 4-year-old daughter, “Aria,” I discovered Aria’s goldfish dead in its bowl. When Lauren got back, I remarked how difficult this would be for Aria, since she got “Max” as a present for her second birthday and had had him for so long. I began to go over ways for us to break the news to her, but Lauren stopped me and said not to worry. Turns out this is Max No. 4.
According to Lauren, Aria’s first fish died five months after we got it; No. 2 lasted seven months; No. 3, eight months. Max 4.0 was the most recent casualty. Each time one of the fish has passed,Lauren has replaced it without Aria’s knowledge. The first two times she found the fish dead while Aria was at daycare and replaced it before she came home. When Max #3 died, Aria found him, but Lauren told her that Max was sleeping, and that he would be awake by the time she got back from daycare.
When I asked Lauren just how long she planned on continuing the charade, she said that maybe when Aria is 5 or 6 she will “be mature enough to handle it” when some future incarnation of Max dies. I told Lauren this sort of deception is unhealthy, and the fallout will be far worse than if we had been honest with her.She said there will only be fallout if I tell Aria, and if I do, it will be on me when Aria needs years of therapy to get over the “trauma.”
I understand losing a pet is very sad for a child, but it’s part of life. If anything, I think the pain and sense of betrayal that Aria will feel at being lied to by us would be far worse than the temporary sorrow she would experience over losing a goldfish. And I have no desire to repeat this with our younger son once he is old enough to have a pet. I have said as much to my wife, but she’s made clear that I am to keep this farce going, end of discussion. My suggestion that we speak to a therapist to come up with a way to resolve this was dismissed out of hand. Any recommendations for getting her to see sense?
Dear lyin’,
Kids between the ages of 2 and 4 have essentially no comprehension of the permanence of death, and so I view your wife’s elisions of Max’s deaths as victimless crimes. If a person in your life died,I’d insist upon a more honest reckoning,but if you plan to replace the $3 gold
The crime with a victim here is that she didn’t tell you about it. If I had to go on biannual emergency runs to the pet store, racing the ticking clock of a kid’s return from day care, I would have a good old time telling my wife all about it when she got home from work. That she didn’t want to tell you is both funny and alarming. It’s almost as if your wife has spent two years shielding not only her small child from the reality of her goldfish’s mortality but also shielding you, her husband.
Anyways, this clearly has to stop. Explain to her what the real problem is, and stress that the two of you, together, need to come up with the proper age to tell a child that a goldfish has died, rather than her making arbitrary parenting decisions and then not telling you about them. (For what it’s worth,I think Lauren’s based-on-nothing guess of 5 or 6 is basically correct.) You should be able to reach this agreement without going to therapy about it. Good luck.
I had a parent-teacher conference for my 7-year-old son “Rick.” Everything’s fine with his personal academic progress. But while I was there, I noticed a bunch of writing assignments in his classroom, all about what they thought about going to [Our town name] Elementary “Skool.” I asked the teacher about it,and apparently,it’s a bubbled-up joke-slash-meme. She wasn’t sure how it started, but for a few weeks now, pretty much the entire class has been deliberately misspelling “school” and thinking it’s the funniest thing ever. She decided to roll with it and allowed them to use the “alternate spelling” on the writing assignment.
I suppose it’s not particularly harmful, but I was left vaguely uneasy about the whole situation. Maybe I’m just a fossil, but none of my teachers would have ever allowed something like this at that age, and I find the notion of teachers bending to the whim of a class full of second graders to be a rather bad idea. Should I voice my concerns here, or just keep them to myself?
—My Kid Got Skooled
Dear Skooled,
This second-grade teacher stumbled upon a way to get a whole class even a little bit excited about a writing assignment? She sounds amazing. Don’t you dare get her in trouble.
—Dan
How can I effectively communicate my boundaries too an intrusive neighbor?
Time.news Interview: Navigating Boundary Issues with Neighbors
Editor (E): Welcome, everyone! Today, we’re diving into a fascinating and often intricate topic: managing boundaries with neighbors.We’re pleased to have Dr. Lisa Harmon,a sociologist and expert on community relations,with us. lisa, thank you for joining us.
Dr.Harmon (H): Thank you for having me! I’m excited to discuss this crucial aspect of community living.
E: Let’s set the stage. We received a letter from a reader who’s struggling with a rather intrusive neighbor, Kiki. This reader has tried to maintain a respectful distance, but finds Kiki’s behaviour overwhelming. What are your initial thoughts on this situation?
H: Well, first of all, it’s essential to acknowledge that living closely with others can sometimes lead to boundary issues. The reader clearly recognizes that Kiki’s demands are stretching the bounds of neighborly behavior. It’s commendable that they initially showed empathy, especially considering Kiki’s current life circumstances, but it is indeed also critically important to advocate for one’s own needs.
E: Exactly! The reader expressed feeling like a “hunted rabbit,” which really encapsulates the emotional toll that such situations can take. What do you think might be the best approach for our reader to regain their space?
H: Communication is key.While it may feel uncomfortable, the reader needs to assert their boundaries clearly. politely letting Kiki know that they are not available for last-minute childcare or unsolicited visits can definitely help reset expectations. They can say something like, “I value our time together, but I need to prioritize my own space, and I won’t be able to watch your daughter anymore.”
E: That’s a great point.It seems like the reader has already taken some steps back,avoiding outdoor areas altogether. How dose that shift in behavior affect their mental health?
H: Avoiding spaces that once brought them joy, like their backyard, is a sign of distress. It’s crucial for individuals to maintain their own sanctuary, and by withdrawing, they may also feel isolated and stressed.norms of neighborliness shouldn’t come at the expense of one’s own well-being. Regular exposure to someone else’s demands can lead to resentment, which is counterproductive for maintaining healthy neighborhood relations.
E: And what about the reader’s conflict about attending Kiki’s baby shower? It sounds like there are feelings of guilt and manipulation involved. How shoudl they navigate that?
H: This is a classic example of conflict between social duty and personal boundaries. They should evaluate their desire to attend versus the potential strain it may cause. It’s critically important to affirm that it’s perfectly fine to decline such invitations if they feel uncomfortable. They can express their well-wishes in othre ways—like sending a card or a small gift—while still prioritizing their own needs.
E: It truly seems that there’s an ongoing theme of establishing clear lines. If our reader can’t be a close friend, what kind of neighborly relationship should they aim for?
H: A polite, distant neighbor is ideal in this case. They should aim for a relationship where they are friendly but maintain a healthy distance. Small talk during brief encounters can definitely help, but it’s vital to avoid getting drawn into more extensive conversations that lead to further obligations. This allows for a functional relationship without the emotional drain.
E: Those are excellent recommendations, Lisa. Before we wrap up, what advice would you give to anyone else dealing with intrusive neighbors?
H: Establish boundaries early and stick to them! Setting limits doesn’t mean you have to be unfriendly; rather, it serves as a guide for what’s acceptable. Additionally, prioritize your own mental health—if a relationship feels more draining than fulfilling, it’s important to reassess its place in your life.
E: Thank you, Dr. Harmon,for your insights on navigating neighborly relationships. It’s an important reminder that we can be part of a community while also honoring our own space and well-being.
H: Thank you for having me! Remember, healthy communities thrive on mutual respect and understanding.
E: that’s all for today’s interview. We hope our reader—and all of you—feel empowered to cultivate the kind of neighborly relationships that work best for you. Thank you for joining us!