2023-11-17 13:24:12
Amy is an entrepreneur who has worked hard to emerge and can’t wait to sell her thriving business so she can enjoy her family. Danny is a handyman who tries hard to earn the money that will allow his Korean parents to return to the United States. They meet or rather collide in the parking lot of a supermarket: Danny goes out the back and almost hits Amy’s car. Who doesn’t forgive him. The protagonists of Beef, a grotesque dark comedy (on Netflix produced by A24), are not capable of smiling: they show their teeth. They have in common a fury, an inexhaustible anger that they struggle to contain within the boundaries imposed by society. They collide, they recognize each other, they (self)destruct. They make us reflect on how complicated it can be for someone to exercise a sense of control and what consequences this can lead to.
In 1988 the Journal of The American Medical Association broke the news of a new pathology called “vending machine madness”. The outbursts of anger towards vending machines that take money without dispensing products are so frequent that they have fueled the controversial myth of the distributor that kills more than sharks.
From Achille to Michael Douglas /Bill in the film “A day of ordinary madness”, from the mayor of Terni who lashes out against an opposition councilor to the haters on social media, life, cinema and literature are full of anger. He refers us to animals as evidenced by expressions such as ‘to go berserk’ and ‘to be furious’. With the difference that if in the animal world anger resolves in a few seconds, in humans it risks triggering reactions that are too intense compared to the stimulus, last too long and are inadequate to the context.
It manifests itself with physical symptoms of which traces are always found in common language with expressions such as ‘the blood goes to my head’ and ‘my hands itch’.
Among many, however, there is a saying that is not true. The one according to which ‘getting angry is useless’. Things are more complicated than that, as Roberta Milanese, psychologist and psychotherapist, explains in the essay “Anger – An emotion to tame (and ride)”, published by Ponte alle Grazie. “It is a fundamental psycho-biological emotion that nature has given us. On the one hand it helps us understand what the important objectives are, on the other it provides us with the energy necessary to achieve them. But like all emotions it has a double face and if we don’t know how to manage its power we lose control. There is a tendency to demonize it, it is described as a monster from which to emancipate oneself. But only by knowing it in its positive value can we manage it in ourselves and in others, avoiding damage: if I have a runaway horse I try to tame it so that it takes me where I want to go”.
What is anger for?
Like fear, it has a function. It signals us that at a given moment something is frustrating us, it doesn’t allow us to go in the direction of our desires: it is a motivator for change. Redundant anger tells us we need to intervene and also provides the energy to react. In a dysfunctional relationship in which a person is betrayed or mistreated, anger can become the fundamental element that makes you say enough and sets boundaries. He often defends us. And in therapy it can become the engine to use to overcome difficult moments, adds the psychologist.
When we are left, for example, the pain of abandonment is often followed by an angry reaction that allows us to react: it supports the suffering of the early days and helps us overcome it.
Manage your anger
What makes this emotion harmful to us and others does not depend on whether it is expressed but on the ability to manage it. Anger and aggression do not coincide: you can be angry without being aggressive.
Strategies to adopt
They are of two types, explains Andrea Catena, psychologist and psychotherapist at Humanitas Psico Medical Care: bodily and cognitive.
The more emotionally activated I am, the more difficult it is to reason, I will be more impulsive and the probability of doing damage will increase. First of all, it is therefore necessary to create a latency time that helps to dilute the impulse to act.
Strategie cognitive
Emotions are innate. Emotional regulation strategies, on the other hand, must be learned (and we learn them in a multitude of contexts, first and foremost the family one) and then practiced so that they can become automatic.
Types of anger
Anger can be activated in different situations and be directed towards someone or oneself. There are different types, here’s which ones and how to recognize them.
The anger of children
Anger is expressed differently depending on evolutionary development. The challenge for children is to learn to understand and manage the emotional world, with the help of parents and teachers. “Anger, very powerful energetically and frowned upon, is one of the most difficult to manage even for parents: if faced with a child’s fear they are willing to listen and talk, faced with anger it is easier to refuse”, explains Roberta Milanese. We need to help the little ones to name what they feel and understand what to do with it. The example of adults matters a lot, because children follow the model of those around them.
What to do
Let him vent, respect his time and stay close to him. He must not fear his emotions, advises Andrea Catena. He adds: “Children do not have communication re-elaboration tools, they often have no alternatives to the anger with which they try to communicate something else: aggression can be a mirror of sadness. They should not be excessively blamed for their emotional expression. Otherwise they risk becoming adults inhibited from the point of view of anger, which can take dysfunctional paths”.
Adolescent anger
Anyone who experiences a moment of anger is unable to listen. This is even more true during adolescence, when emotions, due to a developmental phase, explode. “Rationalization and the invitation to stay calm clash with the loss of control and exasperate it. You can only intervene once the flare-up has passed: talking about what happened, what he felt, what made him so angry, what else he could have done”, explains Roberta Milanese. Verbalization is fundamental, even for a parent. This path, if undertaken during childhood, can help you better cope with adolescence.
What to do
Adolescent aggression is often directed at parents. They find themselves in a complex phase of life in which they put together the bricks of their identity and, to do so, they must separate from them. Anger becomes functional for this. A rebellious child, within limits, is a child who is making an evolutionary transition of separation from his parents. “Parents must ignore the assumption that a child who feels angry towards them undermines their authority. And they don’t have to implement a symmetrical mechanism by reacting with equal aggressiveness. They risk creating an escalation, ultimately pushing the child away, creating a communication chasm. On the contrary, they must create an effective communication context to invite people to talk about what happened. Also to ‘clean’ the field of shame and guilt. The adolescent is biologically more impulsive than the adult. The adult must help him to make sense, to think about what happened, to verbalize his own needs (what did you need? how do you feel now, after what happened?), advises Andrea Catena.
MOAS Aggression Rating Scale
Measures four types of aggression on five levels (verbal, against oneself, against things and against people)
Does not show any verbal aggression Yells angrily, swears lightly or uses personal insults Swears violently, uses harsh insults and has outbursts of anger Threatens violent actions against others and himself with fury Repeatedly or deliberately threatens violent actions against others or against himself (in order to obtain money or sexual services) Does not make any aggressive gestures against himself Pinches or picks his skin, pulls his hair, hits himself (without causing injuries) Hits his head or punches walls, throws himself to the floor Gets small cuts, burns, grazes or bruises Gets serious injuries or attempts suicide Does not take aggressive action against property Slams doors in anger, tears clothing, urinates on the floor Bangs on the ground objects, kicks furniture, ruins walls Breaks objects, breaks window glass Sets fires, throws objects violently Does not carry out forms of physical aggression Makes threatening gestures, pushes people, grabs their clothes Hits, kicks, pushes , scratches, pulls hair (without causing injury) Attacks others causing minor injuries (e.g. contusions, sprains or bruises) Attacks others causing serious injuries (e.g. fractures, broken teeth, deep cuts, loss of consciousness)
A rule that applies to everyone: give time to time
An indication that is also valid in other seasons of life and other contexts: if you intervene during the outburst of an angry person you risk escalation. This does not mean accepting verbal abuse: but using the right timing by withdrawing from the discussion at the moment of the outburst to intervene later, when calm has returned.
Sources
Roberta Milaneseresearcher at the Strategic Therapy Center of Arezzo and teacher of the School of Specialization in Brief Strategic Psychotherapy, organizational manager of the master’s degree in Strategic Communication, Problem solving, Coaching and Performance Science in Milan
Andrea Catenapsychologist and psychotherapist at Humanitas Psico Medical Care
Francesco CroPsychiatrist, Department of Mental Health, Viterbo
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