2023-08-22 11:40:17
by Maria Giovanna Faiella
The difference in libido, usually physiological in long-term couples, among the main reasons why partners go to therapy, confirms a New York Times research. It can be a problem, even for health, if not addressed in time. How to fix it
Why does sexual desire decrease in a couple – especially over the years – even if you continue to love your partner? What to do if one of you always wants to make love and the other doesn’t? Even if you often avoid talking about it with your partner – making a mistake -, the problem is more frequent than you might imagine. According to several studies, the difference in libido is one of the main reasons couples go to therapy. A search confirms this
New York Times
which has collected testimonials from readers, as well as opinions from psychotherapists, psychiatrists, sexologists.
There are many factors that can influence libido, but how to deal with and manage – together – the decrease in desire in a couple? Here are some tips with the help of the expert.
Physiological decrease in libido
First of all, Claudio Mencacci, director emeritus of Neuroscience and Mental Health at the Fatebenefratelli Hospital in Milan and co-president of the Italian Society of Neuropsychopharmacology begins: Intimacy, like love, is not always the same, so sexual desire in the couple changes not only over time but also in partners. These are physiological changes but they can be a problem when they are not addressed in time, since sexuality is one of the founding aspects of the couple’s relationship.
How and why does desire change in long-term couples? Mencacci explains: On the one hand, it is quite common for one partner to have a greater desire than the other; on the other, quite rare that in long-term relationships the two partners maintain the same levels of desire over the years, as well as the frequency of sexual intercourse also decreases as time passes.
The 3C rule
What to do if, years later, despite there being a strong emotional and emotional bond, a drop in libido occurs in one of the partners, causing problems for the couple? First of all, the communication that is the foundation of sexual health needs to be improved, suggest the experts interviewed by the New York Times. Professor Mencacci agrees, adding: The rule of the “3 Cs” must be applied, i.e. communicate, share, agree. Always wondering how to talk about it, even facing taboos sometimes of an emotional nature sometimes of a sexual nature. For example, – continues the expert – one can share and agree on the fact that one can fantasize about having relationships with others: fantasies that can be put at the service of the couple, without generating feelings of betrayal. Furthermore, the ways in which the desire is activated can also be shared and agreed. For example, it is known that there are two different types of sexual desire: the one that manifests itself in a spontaneous, almost wild way, which we also see in the movies, and which would seem more common among men, and, on the other hand, the reactive desire that is activated through one of the five senses, for example a pleasant touch, a visual signal, the function of smell.
Other reasons for the decline in desire
Other factors that decrease libido can then take over, such as conditions of great physical and mental stress, or some pharmacological treatments, or sexual dysfunctions (for example, erectile or premature ejaculation in men). In these cases, you need to talk to your doctor.
Again, Professor Mencacci recalls: it is obvious that in very long-term couples the hormonal change has its weight in the decrease in libido. Furthermore, over time one may also have a perception (generally more widespread among women) of one’s body which is difficult to accept, therefore a feeling of physical insecurity, which can compromise the libido.
Can the decline in sexual desire also occur within a non-long-term couple? Surely it happens less frequently replies the expert, who however specifies: From the beginning of a relationship you notice if there is a correspondence or not of the circadian rhythms. We know that, in principle, due to problems related to testosterone and cortisol there is a greater desire for sexuality in males in the morning; in women in the afternoon and in the evening, for physiological and cultural reasons, due to greater relaxation.
Possible solutions
Professor Mencacci continues: To address the differences in libido within the couple, it is first of all necessary to identify the factors that determine them, therefore it is not enough to say that the desire has decreased, or that a partner has it more in the morning, the other in the evening. The relationship must always be taken care of and, to make it satisfactory, particular attention must be paid to the emotions of the couple, that is, one must also communicate emotionally – beyond customs -, never stop talking about one’s bond, one’s difficulties in experiencing intimacy or even of one’s dissatisfaction, since sexuality is part of the nourishment of the couple; otherwise, if problems are swept under the carpet and it comes to conflict, Professor Mencacci warns.
If the imbalance of desire is causing arguments or estrangement in the relationship, couples counseling may be considered.
Important for general health
Furthermore, Mencacci underlines: Good intimacy has a positive effect on health in general (physical, psychological, relational), therefore it is important to always keep desire alive, which is the engine of sexuality but also of knowledge, curiosity, etc. On the one hand, it is necessary to be able to recognize the physiological changes, of sexual desire, but also emotional and relational changes within the couple; on the other, we must always bear in mind that what destroys relationships is taking them for granted, thinking of them as “immovable” and stable over time; if they are alive, on the other hand, they change and transform, concludes the expert.
August 22, 2023 (change August 22, 2023 | 11:39 am)
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