“I must be 5 or 6 years old on this image, taken at the carnival of La Guerche-sur-l’Aubois, the village of Cher in which I grew up, in the middle of plains. In the countryside, the rituals are often more numerous and followed than in the city, with traditions linked to nature or religion: there, this carnival was really the pagan festival which marked the arrival of spring. All the children went out in disguise in the town, accompanied by the adults. On the central square, where the church that we see here stands, a fire was lit. I loved dressing up. I’ve been Peter Pan, a handsome musketeer, Batman several times and, here, a clown.
My parents, bon vivants, came in disguise too – once, my mother even dared to wear a big candy costume, all in pink aluminum… Behind the wall of adults that we see in the photo, all the other children have to play , throw confetti or firecrackers. Me, I was not on the sidelines but always a little offbeat, very sensitive, in the performance, and I read something symbolic in my way of clowning around in my corner, while everyone turns their back on me. The myth of the artist or the queer, perhaps. In any case, the feeling of not growing in exactly the same direction as the others.
“The vast majority of French comedies should stop being grossophobic, homophobic, xenophobic, and so on. »
At that time, I wanted to become an astronaut or an archaeologist. Professions in “a”. But actor, I did not think of it. Later, I started fine arts without really wanting to be an artist. There, I met a boy with whom I had a great love story. I tried my hand at painting, drawing, building the image. This is the first institutional place in which I was told that my slightly deranged vision of things could be explored.
However, from my second film, Sauvage [de Camille Vidal-Naquet], I felt that acting would be a more suitable profession. I realized that I could, in the cinema, be a tool that feels and tries to transmit sensations. To be an artist is a form of intense catharsis, and to paint is to go deep within oneself to draw something from it to apply to a surface. Playing, on the contrary, makes it possible to move away from oneself. We are more protected, we figure the emotions of a character to avoid managing his own too frontally.
Actor is mystical, mysterious, moving, but more comfortable than artist, in my opinion. Playing the clown, at the cinema, that would not displease me. But the vast majority of French comedies should stop being grossophobic, homophobic, xenophobic, and so on, they should stop making fun of the working class or the peasants. Or that they venture into a darker, more trashy humour. But make people laugh to be kind or consensual? No.
Today, I occasionally return to La Guerche. I was there again for Easter, at my father’s. I travel a lot, but there are few places as beautiful as his garden to admire sunsets: an elongated esplanade, wild trees and, behind, the sun which falls like Chinese shadows… When I look at this photo, today, I recognize myself in it. It’s a real portrait of me, not current, of course, but which really shows who I am, my state of mind – a root portrait, in a way. »
Tom (1h 27), by Fabienne Berthaud. With Nadia Tereszkiewicz, Félix Maritaud and Tanguy Mercier. In theaters May 11.