2024-07-21 18:27:06
Actress and entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow recently revealed that she is having a nervous breakdown about her youngest child leaving for college. Journalist Charlotte Cripps writes on that account for the Independent magazine that even though many parents can sympathize with Paltrow, she herself refuses to experience children’s adulthood as a life drama and raises the question of how to perceive the “empty house” positively.
“I started thinking things like, ‘Oh my God, I have to quit my job, I need to sell the house and move out. It’s confusing,'” actress Gwyneth Paltrow recently told The Hollywood Reporter about her youngest son, Moses, 18, leaving for college.
“My identity was a mother. My whole life centered around my children, their schedule and when school starts,” she described, adding that the thought of an empty nest gives her a nervous breakdown. However, she said in an earlier interview that she is aware that it is a natural part of life that cannot be avoided
It is clear that the Hollywood actress is experiencing the so-called empty nest syndrome. This refers to the feelings of loss that parents experience when their adult children leave home. However, Paltrow is not the only celebrity who has confided in difficult emotions.
Actress Elizabeth Hurley, model Heidi Klum and chef Gordon Ramsay have also spoken about the departure of their descendants in the past. He confided on James Corden’s Late Late Show that when he had to say goodbye to his son, he felt “like gutted” and after he left, he went to his son’s room, took his pants out of the drawer and put them on.
“If I’m no longer a parent, who am I now?”
According to journalist Charlotte Cripps, empty nest syndrome is one of the grief traps parents fall into. “And I refuse to fall into it,” the mother of two daughters writes in an article for Independent magazine. “I’m determined to keep my identity as much as possible so that when the kids leave the house, I’ll have an exciting life full of enriching relationships to lean on — and activities that don’t just involve organizing more activities for the kids,” she writes, adding, that of course he realizes that feelings of loss are to some extent inevitable.
According to therapist Ivy Kyselá, the way in which a parent will experience the departure of a child is already formed before the child is born. “At the very beginning are the reasons for which we decided to conceive a child. The stories and expectations of the parents are different. Someone longs for love and the offspring should be the one who will finally really love them. Another parent is afraid of loneliness in old age, and the child he has so that he does not remain alone. Another person realizes that he is more of a life guide for his son or daughter and primarily wants to contribute to their independence and a happy life,” the therapist lists possible examples.
Like any change in life, this one, she says, naturally reflects a change in identity. While for some this point can be positive and represent a start to a new life, those who have equated their identity with the parental role can even depressingly ask: “If I am no longer a parent, who am I now?”
An empty nest brings up old wounds
English journalist Celia Dodd was so devastated after her children left that she wrote a book about her experience, The Empty Nest: How to Survive and Stay Close to Your Adult Child ). The mother of three describes that even though she knew it was “normal” and that she wanted a “new life” for her offspring, she felt devastated. “It was like I lost a part of myself. And with each child it got harder. You don’t get used to it,” she said in an interview with the BBC.
She was also motivated to write the book by the fact that most mothers don’t talk about their emotions – and fathers don’t at all. “At the same time, I know from my surroundings that men experience this period as difficult as women,” Doddová points out. To alleviate feelings of loneliness, she accommodated students from China in her home, started working as a volunteer in a homeless shelter and growing tomatoes. “That helped me. I needed to put the care I had inside me somewhere,” Dodd describes, showing ways to deal with the feeling of emptiness.
Holistic psychologist and author of The Unending Drama Scott Lyons says that parents naturally go through many stages during which there is a gradual distance between them and their children. “For example, when potty training, when the children go to school, or when they sleep over at a friend’s house for the first time,” he tells the Independent.
According to him, while some parents will breathe a sigh of relief and be happy to have more energy and time for themselves again, others will experience pain, feelings of emptiness and loss of former closeness. “In some cases, the departure of a child causes a wound in parents from unfulfilled closeness. This can cause feelings of abandonment, dependence and even frustration,” he explains.
The phase of independence does not need to be endured
According to psychologist Lenka Kolajová, this period is especially difficult for parents who derived their sense of satisfaction and happiness from caring for their children and fulfilling their needs. They are often unaware of this dependent approach and perceive it with the feeling that they are doing the best for their child. Family and children became the highest priority. They sacrificed their interests, work ambitions and friends, often even a partnership. With the departure of children, they feel that they are losing the meaning of their lives.
According to the experts, the solution is to accept the removal of offspring as a regularity that is a necessary part of life. Not resisting the feelings of sadness with the final thought that it is good that they are managing to live their own lives. It is also important not to wallow in feelings of regret over the fact that our son or daughter no longer needs us. The abandoned nest syndrome suggests another syndrome, namely the boomerang syndrome. “When we send an independent and responsible child into the world, an adult, partner and friend will return to us, who will want to stay with us from time to time and share his life,” explains Kyselá.
And as Charlotte Crips concludes, “It’s time for parents to stop thinking that each stage of their child’s adulthood is something to be endured. I hope it can be a more organic process. I’m not setting myself up for empty-nest grief, I will waiting for a full house again.”
Video: Every mother is obnoxious and rude, even if she doesn’t want to be. Then she has regrets, says Macháčková (February 2, 2022)
Everyone asks you when you will have children, but at the same time it scares you. You will never sleep again! Travel? You can forget about it! | Video: Martin Veselovsky