the mail of the heart / not at all candid
twelve o’clock, March 15 2021 – 08:28
The Candida Way,
he left me on the phone and I can’t get over it. Six years together and he didn’t have the courage to face an argument in person. Worse still: even by phone he limited himself to giving me a laconic communication. He told me: there is nothing more between us, over for me, I’m sorry. End of communications. I looked for him and he was never found again. I humiliated myself by begging him to talk to us one last time but he didn’t want to know. Does it seem possible to you? We had had many discussions and other times we had broken up, but always talking, dissecting things, perhaps raising our voices. Then, we went back together. On many things we have different visions, on some things we clash with character, but can a story end without talking to each other? It’s been three months since the day I last heard it and I still feel like I did then. Incredulous, displaced, angry, offended, furious. I haven’t even made a step forward because I don’t understand how he was allowed to pay off six years in six seconds. I still want to look him in the eye and I want him to tell me why. But he is a coward, he knows that if he looks me in the eye he collapses and retraces his steps. And this is why I want to talk to him: we have always solved, why not now? I don’t want to be reduced to lurking under the house to talk to him. I still have a modicum of pride, but I want to make him understand that he is not behavingcos.
Giusy
Dear Giusy,
when for years you do not understand each other, every last discussion is never the last until it disappears. So, I don’t know whether to call this man cowardly or brave. For years, the two of you have been trying or clarifying, but stick to the same positions and, nevertheless, make peace and don’t break up, because this is the law of attraction: it combines opposites. However, to be attracted to our opposite and yet not learn anything about the curse of those who do not know how to love. Or perhaps of those who think they love but do not love. You two are great at hurting each other and one of you had to stop this dynamic. You talk to each other, you do not understand each other and, in the end, you are reconciled by giving in to emotion, but you do not take steps forward. Saying goodbye over the phone and without the possibility of brutal reply and it should never happen. Your farewell resembles that of Montalbano and Livia in the TV drama. The commissioner played by Luca Zingaretti and created by Andrea Camilleri left his historical girlfriend over the phone, without an explanation. He said to the writer: But who would want to marry with their own conscience? Let’s be serious. That is: who would want to be with someone all their life who wants to force you to change if you don’t intend to? In history, among other things, Montalbano, more than anything else, allowed himself to be left behind. happened the usual move of men who are good at exasperating you hoping that you will get bored, and therefore good at avoiding the responsibility of leaving. This cowardly and explains the popular uprising against the hitherto beloved TV cop. From him, women did not expect it. it was like a collective betrayal. Your case, dear Giusy, is different. Her partner has at least found the courage to break up without falsely placing the responsibility on her. Eclipse immediately after being indelicate, for him he must have thought that it was the only way to avoid repeating the pattern of the past: last meeting, then we go back together and never get over it. She fails to see the simplicity of this logic because she is fixated on the rudeness received. Here, however, not a question of wounded pride, but of humble analysis of the facts. She stops at the traumatic moment in which she was left without explanation and is unable to disengage from there. Instead, it should banish the feeling of being offended and invest energy and thoughts into understanding what was wrong with you, what you did wrong, why you couldn’t understand each other, how you got to such a point. Only when she has done this work will she be ready to face a peaceful discussion. I would bet that when her ex feels that she has subsided, she will finally be open to confrontation.
Candida Morvillo
Prof with young student? It would just be an abuse of power
Dear Candida,
I lost my mind over a student of mine who was younger than thirty and I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t even look at me and I don’t understand how at fifty, married and with grown-up children, he can only think of her, who is just 21 years old and also engaged. How can I approach her without looking pathetic
?
P.
Dear P.,
when a middle-aged man suspects he looks pathetic, he sure is. The story of the professor and the student, then, may have fascinating literary and real precedents, but these days it can no longer be heard. It would just be an abuse of his position of power. Get distracted, do something else, take an online course in painting, writing, buy bonsai and look after them, do it yourself, find a hobby and occupy your head and hands. Then, just in case, let’s talk about it again.
Candida Morvillo
March 15, 2021 | 08:28
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