“If only I could go back in time to that moment when I kissed him, and instead shake his hand and say thank you, run away and not look back. If I only knew that he was going to destroy my life, I would be left with a broken and helpless soul.”
“I was a beaten man! I can’t describe to you the hell I went through. For four damn years that took a terrible toll on my life.” He shouted and cried as he hung up and called again. I tried to calm down. How does this nice, smiling guy freak out like that all of a sudden? Anyway, the empath in me was intrigued and I delved into the darkness without looking back. For several years I was on a roller coaster that jolted me between heaven and earth. Slowly, but surely, I lost control of my life, being pulled into a vortex in a senseless demonic dance.
I met him at a breaking point, after “mortification” – An event in which a victim lands a winning blow or a severe humiliation on a narcissist to the point where his false ego is shattered into pieces. In such a situation it seems that there is a person with a borderline personality, with feelings. He calls her “the crazy one” and this attack was only on the outer shell, and I believe him. Later I found out that he is like an onion, that to get to know him you have to peel back many layers of lies and secrets.
We had a larger-than-life love like in Hollywood movies. Bonnie and Clyde, Samson and Delilah, Thelma and Louise hold hands and challenge the whole world.
What is the thing that a narcissist loves most in the world? lead a double life. What more? to escape punishment.
“Don’t post anything online, don’t say we’re a couple, I’m watching over you, there’s a crazy person out there.” But you hang on his arm everywhere. Later his collapse worsens and he goes completely under the radar. After a while you find out that he has another partner waiting for him and that he is engaged to her just like you.
“You’re my monkey,” he says and your heart expands and fills with pride. “You are my face in the outside world, I need you to exist.” At the same time, he is behind the scenes pulling my strings like a puppet on a string. You are setting up an empire for him to work with, from your own money, everything is registered in your name including contracts with clients. He has a fake identity and a secret phone line. Once in a while he threatens to leave and you are afraid to be left alone with everything.
“You won’t betray me, right?”, “You won’t leave me”? asked again and again. Never”. A wounded man, only mine – a gift from the universe.
i want you to be mine I want you to live in my world where my rules are the only rules. When he first sees you and he decides you will be his supply, you belong to him. his property. No one has permission to be by your side, they have exclusivity over you.
You have a lot of questions, but he’s moving up a gear, he has to keep you under control so you don’t run away. You spend the whole day thinking about what he is doing with the other woman and you start measuring quantities. Some here, some there. There is a hierarchy and there is a rank and tables.
In the table he manages in his head, each has advantages and disadvantages. She has a driver’s license, you are wild and sexy. He did content privatization. At first, “you’re my woman” then “you’re my wife”, finally getting angry, “what does it matter who I have sex with? A woman is a hole. More fuck less fuck, I’m not motivated by sex at all.”
“Then why do you sleep with two women all the time”?
He was already testing you before you knew it. He knows everything, he has experience with an empath like you, he has done his homework and now he is here to conquer and establish control. You can be a secondary supply, but if you are disciplined enough, teach, and provide him with enough fuel, you can be the main one. For that you will have to become an object, a property. object. Once he feels that you are suitable for the main, he will not stop. The light is green, the fuel from you is flowing to him and you have no hope. Nothing makes sense to you anymore, but it’s too late. The similarity between you will be so perfect that even if you shout the only voice that will be heard is his. “I put all my chips on you.”
Fake future – “Keep calm and everything will be fine. I’m taking care of you, you don’t take care of yourself, you don’t do anything, when everything calms down we’ll get married, we’ll go abroad, we’ll be this for life.”
The evening is dedicated to massive gaslighting – he goes out and sends a report, sometimes they eat salad or drink beer, they lie in bed and watch TV but nothing happens there, what the hell. You are allowed to go to the living room. If you went down to buy something at the supermarket, that’s cheating, you’re sleeping with men. The messages are stressful. You get pictures from the restaurant, from her bed, but they hurt you, you can’t breathe.
He wants you to belong to him because that’s the only way he feels alive. That everything you do will be the result of his thought. The reason for his existence, the reason for his life, because that’s the only way he feels superior to the world. He feels strong and full of power. You are half a man, walking around the house like a shadow, looking in the mirror and not knowing yourself. Everything collapses around you except him. He makes money, you don’t. You try to get out but you find that there is nothing out there.
He is ready for judgment day – as soon as the signal is given from your side that it’s over, that you can’t take it anymore, he has backup. And don’t forget that. If you decide to leave, he won’t care. Your heart that was once together, is actually your heart that beats alone.
Hoover – (pumping back) You can’t take it anymore. It’s an illusory relationship. You block, you understand that something is wrong, you don’t want any more part of it. At the beginning of the relationship you blocked, but not well enough. You will receive an email, a message on an anonymous page you opened on Facebook, a smiling message in a shared group, he calls from a checkpoint, he drives under your house crying, in a world where men do ghosting, he is a stalker like in the past.
If you return – you must be loyal, function well and be trusted. He takes your identity from you and uses it for himself. You drift into his paradise where everything you have actually belongs to him. Your money – his, your house – his, your friends become his supply, there is really no man behind the mask and therefore he steals from you the person you are in order to conduct yourself in the world.
He doesn’t like to take risks, so he is always in control of everything and everyone. He brings excitement, chaos and drama, you behave in complete disgust, but for him everything is predictable because it’s his world and his rules. He manipulates everyone, and he lies all the time. You absorb everything, empath like you, you live for your love. Everything you do is meant to make him happy.
“Work, work, don’t deal with nonsense.”
“And where does the money go? To her? What are you, the Tinder crook”?
The title was taken from you one day. “She’s my partner now. I’m marrying her.”
“You said you would never go back to her.”
“She’s comfortable.”
“Submissive you mean.”
She doesn’t confuse the mind and explore it like you do. With her – he is free to be with whoever he wants. You “messed up” so you get a discard. (leaving).
You were supposed to play the role that was created for you. of the fantasy, the illusion he built for you. There is no closure and no beautiful farewell – the narcissist must have the last word. He recreates history as he pleases. no emotion You weren’t important, you didn’t really matter. You are the new crazy. He moves on after an hour. Everything is ready – new supplies, new phone, new identity, he starts all over again.
For more content on the subject, enter the world of the narcissist – Avital Shapira
The On Life system invites you to the Facebook group “Sisters – a safe place to tell”, which we founded together with Naamat. A safe space for women where you can advise and be consulted on everything that is important to you or bothers, hinders or makes it difficult for you. Each of us is also the one who may have the solution or the smart advice that can save another woman.