2023-12-05 09:08:24
Michal Daliot, an Israeli educator and teacher, also known as “Super Nanny”, gives advice to parents during the war. “More shared social times,” she says in an interview with ‘Davar’. “Don’t give up and even add. Shared meals, sitting on the teenager’s bed. Five minutes, no more, but create a presence. The screens and the television and the news attract us very much. We have to be awake to this, and know that the children need us. The children need a leader. They need a great parent That they look to him in times of stress, and know that they can trust him. Such a parent, if he makes a mistake, he seeks to correct it. This is a parent who knows what is going through him and his children. Honestly, a parent who asks for help. This is a parent who turns to me and my counselors and says ‘No Works for me – what do you suggest?’ I think that asking for help shows great strength.”
How does the war affect the relationships in the family?
“The war created something that happens in times of stress and crisis – we don’t change, but make ourselves even more us. We don’t know how to be who we are not. It was also before, and now it will be more powerful. If a parent and turner, he will be completely limitless. And if a parent is very authoritative and strict, he may be an aggressor. I mean, we don’t discover anything different and new and surprising here.”
She adds that there can be surprises in the momentary confrontation, such as a quick entry into the MMD, stagnation or a surprising response in the face of an emergency. “Life in the shadow of war happens with diverse confrontations. There are evacuees who are just displaced people, there are evacuees who are displaced people and have gone through really terrible tragedies. There are non-evacuees on the home front who stayed at home, but are also going through a shake-up around the issue of livelihood and dealing with the children and everything.
“The child is displaced and is not at home or is in a partial schooling, or some of his friends were murdered – this is the field. The field has changed. Here the parent has to make the adjustment, but still not give up the agenda. Understand what the child needs. And also amid the feeling of being a refugee and the tragedies The terrors that the child experienced two months ago, the parent still has a clear role, and that is to collect the child. Both a hug and a restriction. This is the role. This is what will make it easier for the children. The routine, the everyday, the clear boundaries, empathy along with ‘I know what I’m saying because I’m the oldest here’. Empathy along with leadership.”
How do you develop resilience?
“Resilience is created by the need to deal with situations. Think of a small child who wants his mother to take him in her arms, and mother does not because she is always busy, she cleans all day. Or a child who wants to climb the ladder, and his father tells him, ‘Climb on your own, you can He is afraid, and he doesn’t go up the first time, then one step, and after two months he reaches the top – because he has developed resilience.
“Resilience is only created if we create situations that the children will know how to deal with and live with the frustration. Frustration in failure. Today’s parenting is too indulgent, too protective, and does not allow children to develop resilience. But it is always possible to develop resilience. I will not change a child’s personality, but will start Slowly create situations. Situations from the light to the heavy, that he will be required to deal with. To tie shoelaces, not to respond to his requests, to push the buttons alone, not to resolve the quarrel with the friend and let him resolve it.”
As parents, how do you draw strength?
“Out of the compassion of every adult for himself. We need to understand that we are also human beings. We were also educated by someone, and we also face more difficult things – livelihood, relationships, the husband or the son in the reserves, people have been murdered. We also go through things, not only the children. It could be that the result is that once a day I lash out at the children in a very disproportionate, very unpleasant way. It’s a shame but very human. I need to know how to accept myself too.
“And maybe in the evening I’ll be able to sit by the teenage boy’s bed and tell him, ‘Listen, I’m sorry, I was really disproportionate. I’m going through a difficult time too.’ Humanly wrong, comradely wrong. We are all prone to disaster, we will all make mistakes, even when we are 60 years old and the children are 37. We are human. We are sometimes offended, sometimes excited, sometimes angry.
“In war, you have to do this lesson even more. Here I demand from the parents, just before they go to bed after yelling at the children, to say wow, that was wrong, I understand why I did it. This is what I want. A level of awareness. I understand What did I do, scold the child I took it out on, and then tomorrow morning come and tell the child. I’m sorry, but you will catch me in difficult moments too. Then I won’t wallow in guilt for a long time either, and also teach the child that the parent standing in front of him is Also sensitive, also sad, also painful, also worried.”
Can the war also be an opportunity for correction?
“Yes, as horrible as it sounds, we would prefer this war not to happen and figure it out on our own. But wherever it didn’t happen, the war is somewhere a wake-up call, to understand that we need to do something more with the children besides loving and spoiling them. It’s really a job. The job The main thing for a parent is to prepare the child for life.”
“Many children experience regressions because of the war”
Dalit’s day-to-day life has changed since the beginning of the war. “In the first five weeks, I probably took on too much. I moved around a lot. I was in the Arabah several times. I was in Ein Gev, Tiberias, Nazareth, I hung out in hotels in Tel Aviv, Jaffa, Herzliya, Netanya, Rishon Lezion. I constantly meet with my evacuee parents, with groups evacuee teenagers. I also did a lot of lectures for companies, organizations, councils. For evacuees everything is voluntary.
“I feel that I have a role and I have the necessary knowledge. If I were a baker and I saw that there were hungry people, I would bake them bread. It was obvious to me that I was supposed to be here in these places. Kindergarten children run and play with alarms, which is great. This is the way to get it out from the system. This is the way to process trauma. There are those who do nothing about it, which is perfectly fine. There are those who have it their way. The trick is to know what everyone’s way is.”
Has the demand for parental guidance increased since the beginning of the war?
“I still don’t see anymore, but there are things that are a direct result of the war, mainly regressions. Stuttering, blinking, going back to weaning, pacifiers, problems with falling asleep or sleeping. It’s a different field, but these are the same parents with the same parental vision. If a parent has a vision My parents are clear or my educational path is clear, he knows what to do.”
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