Mother: “My 16-year-old daughter wants a tattoo. She is now thinking about a drawing that could symbolize the bond with her stepmother. I adore my daughter and her stepmother, and I understand her desire to cement their relationship, which lacks blood, with something definitive. I’m just not that into tattoos. The proposal to look for another symbol, a piece of jewelry for example, was rejected by my daughter. Frankly, I do understand her. I am inclined to leave the decision to her. Am I doing the right thing?”
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Guiding and discussing
Susan Branje: “How positive that your daughter wants to confirm and strengthen the bond with her stepmother and that you are so understanding about it. Children do not ask for a divorce or new partners from their parents. However, this does not have to be detrimental to development, especially when mutual relations are so warm.
“The way in which your daughter wants to confirm the band is quite drastic. We used to give a piece of jewelry, nowadays a tattoo is also normal. From the age of 16, children no longer need permission from their parents to get a tattoo. So banning makes no sense. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to guide your daughter in her choice.
“You could discuss with your daughter what she wants to put, what sign is she thinking of? What does she like? How specifically does that refer to her stepmother? And did your daughter also involve her stepmother in her decision?
“It is also good to discuss the possible consequences of a tattoo in an area that you cannot cover. How big will the tattoo be, and where on her body will she put it?
“You may mention that relationships are at risk of coming to an end, and that your daughter may consider choosing a neutral sign, or a location that may also be covered up.”
To agree
Bas Levering: “A different outfit throughout time has been a way in which a next generation distanced itself from the previous one. The long hair of the 1960s youth was a thorn in the side of the parents. This often led to conflicts. There is absolutely no question of such a dismissal here. And this mother is more than happy to leave the decision to her daughter. She can also follow her daughter’s deliberations well. She just doesn’t like tattoos very much.
“Tattoos are a regular topic of conversation these days on daily TV talk shows. That it is talked about so often shows both its convenience and its inconvenience. Decorating the body is of course a universal, timeless custom, tattoos are becoming more and more normal, but there is an irreversible damage to the body. There are people who already object to pierced ears. For many, tattoos do not belong to ‘our kind of people’. Applying a tattoo to a hidden place on the body underlines these ambivalences.
“For your daughter, the irreversibility of such a sign is precisely the reason why she chooses this form, and not for a more casual piece of jewelry. With this she wants to record her eternal love for her stepmother. She is actually asking you: can you agree to that sign of love? There seems to be little to stop you agreeing to her daughter’s tattoo. The location, the size, the visibility are probably still points for further consideration.”
Susan Branje is professor of development and socialization in adolescence at Utrecht University. Bas Levering is a former lecturer in general pedagogy.
A version of this article also appeared in the newspaper of February 18, 2023