My husband makes loud phone calls in the shared study – that’s disrespectful, isn’t it?

2023-08-13 16:05:00

Wiebke M.: My husband and I share a study. Unfortunately, he often makes loud phone calls while I have to concentrate on something else. He even puts his mobile phone next to him and puts it on the loudspeaker, so that I not only have to endure his voice, but also the tinny voice of the person I am talking to. When I asked him about it the other day and asked him to use headphones, he literally said: Oh, well. I don’t have headphones. You could clearly see that he was missing my point. I find that disrespectful towards me and my work. I don’t want to put up with that. But what can I do?

Dear Wiebke, probably quite a few people have similar conflicts with their partners. You write that you find your husband’s behavior disrespectful. Perhaps it is also about how you generally manage to address conflicts in your partnership so that criticism can be heard and accepted and problems can be clarified. Of course, I don’t know how you brought your concerns closer to him and whether you also experience carelessness on his part in other situations. What I understand is that you perceive your husband to be disrespectful to you at work.

To whom or to which things is this supposed disrespect directed? Do you think it’s about you as a person, or maybe he finds his work more important than yours? My impression is that your husband has not sufficiently understood what you are about and what that means to your partnership.

Name your feelings

I assume you want to work in peace and be taken seriously in this need. Why would it be good for your relationship if he behaved differently? I would imagine that treating your needs with respect would have a positive impact on the two of you.

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I encourage you to try talking to your husband again. First formulate the behavior you observe in him. Then name your feelings. Then it is your turn to address your underlying need, for example: I would like to work in a concentrated manner and need peace and quiet to do so. Or if it goes deeper and degenerates more often: I want you to recognize that my work is just as important as yours, I want to feel respected by you. You then formulate a suggestion as to how the problem could be solved. You’ve already done that: you want him to use a headset. Now you can tell him why you think this could be good for your relationship.

The order and compliance with the points is important: Describe specific behavior, my feelings about it, my need, change proposal / my wish is … – and can you imagine that? So it is also important to give the other person room to ask questions and to enter into negotiations.