2023-05-02 09:10:31
This piece discusses the themes of depression, eating disorder and suicidal thoughts.
In admission for clinical depression
Stef* was hospitalized for severe clinical depression after going badly in various parts of his life. ‘Pillars in my life had been crumbling for some time: my parents pushed me into a field of study that didn’t interest me and my home situation was also bad as a result. My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of the semester and it felt like something broke.”
‘I couldn’t concentrate on anything and barely slept or ate. I then took part in two exams, but barely filled in anything.’ Stef lost ten kilos and then decided to go to therapy. “That therapy session was the highlight of my week: speaking with someone who understood me and knew what I was going through. I counted down the hours until I could get there.’
But Stef’s situation worsened and when he wanted to visit his ex-girlfriend, his parents took him to the emergency room. ‘I stayed there for one night and then I went into voluntary hospitalization for severe clinical depression.’
‘The recording felt like an oasis of calm in a society that always wants to move forward’
Stef*
Because the study did not interest him, Stef did not have much trouble interrupting his studies. ‘But it suckte not to sit among your friends anymore: everyone went on with their lives and meanwhile I was stuck in my head.’ All of Stef’s friends knew about the recording and often visited. ‘I was not forgotten, that was good.’
‘No matter how hopeless everything felt at the time of the recording, I look back very positively on the recording.’ Although he was very apathetic during the first few weeks, Stef mainly remembers how relaxing the recording was. ‘Before that, people always tried to cheer me up when they heard that I was not doing well. Then they told me to think more positively. The recording felt like an oasis of calm in a society that always wants to move forward. There was no time pressure to get better: I was allowed to take my time and focus on myself.’
Through conversations, creative therapy and medication, Stef learned to detect emotional signals earlier, to distract himself from what was dragging him down and to reduce the impact of negative feelings.
‘I now notice it more quickly when emotions slumber in the background’
Stef*
People also came to visit who didn’t know Stef very well, but who had experienced similar things and only then shared their own difficulties with him. “I got the feeling that I was not alone, although of course I was largely in control of my recovery.” Stef saw several people being admitted. That helped put his own situation into perspective. Gradually, prospects for the future broke through the apathy.
‘On arrival, the head nurse had told me that I would come out better. “You may not believe me now, but I’m going to tell you later that I told you,” she said. And indeed, when I left after seven weeks, she could tell me with a twinkle in her eye.’
Stef was then impressed that it would still be difficult, but that he could now continue the process at home. ‘I then went back to the therapist I knew before the admission and did manual work in my parents’ company for the rest of the academic year.’ The following year Stef would start in a field of study that fascinated him.
And now Stef is still reaping the benefits of his inclusion. “I notice it more quickly when things are lurking in the background.” When he noticed a few months later that he was developing negatively, he went to the student health center on his own initiative to follow a short course of therapy.
He has also never forgotten the openness of others during his recording. ‘You often close yourself off when things are going badly. Yet there are many people who struggle with similar things but never talk about it for fear of being misunderstood. Since then I believe that everything should be negotiable and I try to be open about it myself, so that others also have the feeling that they can talk about it.’
In admission for an eating disorder
In 2020, just after the first lockdown, Hannelore* was on a waiting list for psychiatric admission for the first time. Due to an eating disorder that had been going on for some time, she had fallen very deep that summer. “I ate less every day than the day before. An apple was already too much.’
But the moment she could be admitted, things went a little better again, so that Hannelore eventually gave up her place. In the summer of 2021 she relapsed. “Before that, my eating disorder had never interfered with my performance in college. I also thought my eating disorder helped me stay disciplined. I achieved high results, but in 2021 I was really exhausted: my discipline was self-destructive and I noticed at the start of the new academic year that I couldn’t pay attention in class.’
‘I didn’t believe that therapy could help me’
Hannelore*
Nothing passionated me anymore: my eating disorder took more and more away from me and that made me more and more stuck in it because I had nothing else left.’ After serious suicidal thoughts, she entered crisis admission at the end of October.
‘The crisis admission was a tipping point: before that I always cut myself off from therapists because I didn’t believe that therapy could work for me. But at that moment I had to choose to do something or to get stuck at the lowest point where I had already been.’ Not many people still know about that crisis admission: ‘Some shame lingers around, because at that moment all your self-determination is taken away from your hands. That was painful.’
She also deteriorated physically during that period: ‘If you have trouble eating, it gets worse when you are taken out of your familiar surroundings. I was not treated there for an eating disorder and was therefore not forced to eat. But eating disorders are sneaky and mean: it felt like a challenge not to eat if they didn’t check me for it.’
Because of that crisis admission, she was immediately able to have an intake interview for a long admission, for which she was then put on a waiting list. The waiting time was long. ‘Originally, I wanted to continue my studies in that interim period, but it turned out to be too difficult not to just let go of my eating disorder. I had the idea that it would be resolved after that and wanted to prove in a “perverse” way that I was sick enough to be admitted.’ It got worse and worse, and finally Hannelore was hospitalized early in January.
“You have to change your thinking patterns and push your limits: it was hard work every moment of the day”
Hannelore*
‘In the beginning I just wanted to leave: I think everyone wants that. I was motivated, but you are so challenged and you are still very weak physically. You have to change all your thinking patterns and push all your boundaries: it was extremely hard work every moment of the day. You have to relearn something very fundamental and that makes you feel very small.’
During the recording, Hannelore only occasionally asked for visits from close friends. “It’s very common with depression and eating disorders not to let anyone in. But when I got a visit, I was very happy. It was exhausting, but also one of the few moments when I had contact with the outside world. That was a motivation to persevere.’
Hannelore eventually stayed in hospital until the end of March. ‘Three months is actually very short. A lot still needs to be done after that, but the admission was a good start to get structure in my food again.’ Although she was advised against it, she decided to take a few more exams in June. ‘It motivated me to have self-determination again and to study. I’ve always loved to learn and it was valuable for me to be close to the things I do it all for.’
When Hannelore looks back on it, she thinks one thing: that she doesn’t want to go back. ‘That recording helped me a lot, but it is very difficult to be taken away from your familiar surroundings in order to really become a patient. Not having to go back is already a motivation in itself.’
“I now know that you can be ambitious and work hard in a way that is not self-destructive”
Hannelore*
She wouldn’t call herself 100% recovered yet, but she’s already a long way. “I still have difficult moments, but I know now that they will pass.” She also has a hard time letting go of her perfectionism for her academic achievements. “But I can handle it better now. I notice that you can be ambitious and work hard in a non-destructive way if you eat enough and take care of yourself.’
Hannelore’s group therapy has recently ended, but she is still in close contact with her dietician and sees her psychiatrist regularly. When she now looks back on her thinking patterns when she was very deep, it feels strange: ‘I was so afraid and completely blocked every meal, that was pure error.’
*Stef and Hannelore are fictitious names.
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